Today's video is for perfectionist in high achievers.
It's for the people who never feel like their standard is good
enough. And it always needs to be better. People who always
want to outdo everyone around them to always want to be the
best and always want to do it to the highest possible standard,
and always want to impress people, that these videos for
you guys. So I had a pattern of either dominating or quitting in
my life. So if I did something, I did it better than anyone
around me, I excelled in one and you know, looks like the best at
least. And if I couldn't do that, and I couldn't do that
quickly, and immediately, I just quit or avoided the task. So for
example, when I got into Zook dancing, I excelled. You know, I
danced five or six nights a week, I got into performances
and competitions, I won those competitions with my dance
partner, I kind of crushed it quickly. Whereas when I got into
Muay Thai kickboxing, I did it for a couple months. And then I
had my first proper fight, and got my ass kicked, I was put
against someone who way out matched me, and pretty much quit
after that. And this is a pattern I've seen in my life a
lot. When I do something, I try to be the best. And I try to
excel and I try to improve how it's done. And I catch myself
trying to make sure everybody sees me doing this. But if I get
hurts, either before I start something, or during that thing,
that I'm not going to be the best that I might be second best
or mediocre or even terrible at it, then I pretty much just quit
and I feel no real enthusiasm to continue. people pleasers and
nice guys tend to try and win approval through achievement.
That's one of the methods that people pleasers use to feel good
about themselves as to get that pat on the back for being high
achiever. It's because of a persona or reputation we want to
create, we want to be seen as hardworking and reliable and
extremely competent. We want to be seen as impressive as the
best. We want people to say, yeah, that guy's really valuable
because of XY and Z. And whatever words He's the funniest
guy and I, nobody will work harder than Dan or you know,
God, he picked it up so quickly. It's kind of things we want
people to think about us and say about us and say to us, and the
desire for that response means we will tend towards activities
that are more likely to get that response and avoid activities
that are unlikely to create that response. Even though the
activities we go towards might not be good for us. Or the
activities we're avoiding might be good for us. It's really
common for a people pleaser, for example, to do a job that
they're really good at, but they really don't like they go to
what the Excel out without asking myself do I actually
enjoy this. And in the same breath, they'll put off
something they're passionate about, usually an artistic
pursuit of some kind, something they love doing, because they're
not good at it or not the best at it. That's the thing is, it's
not even about just being good enough at it. If you're in the
middle of the pack, you might feel an aversion to doing it. If
you can't see yourself being number one, you kind of back
away even if you love doing it. Now, when we're trying to
explain this to ourselves, we talk about fear of failure. Or
we talk about goals that we're trying to achieve. You know, we
say I don't start my artistic passion business, because I'm
worried it's not going to work out or I stay at my shitty job
that I'm good at. But I hate because I have these financial
goals. So we excuse her behavior with either fear or goals. But
that doesn't explain why you're afraid of being second best or
middle of the pack or just good enough. unimpressive. Why are
you afraid of not standing out or being noticed in a positive
way? Why is not getting approval? A deal breaker for you
when it comes to engaging in an activity? I want you to think
about that. And also think about the opposite. Why is being
excellent at something a obligation to continue doing
that thing? What's that movie with the two stoners Harold and
Kumar, go to White Castle. And Kumar doesn't want to go and the
thing that's a doctor, even though he's a genius, and he
passed all the tests, and somebody asked him why don't you
want to be a doctor? trainees like well, just because you're
having like a donkey doesn't mean you got to do porn. people
pleasers are like that, if they're good at something,
they'll feel obliged, like it's a duty to do it, even if they
hate it. But if the excellent they feel like they must do it,
I think we get confused that our skills indicative of our
passion, if we're good at something must be something we
should do. And you can be really good at something that you hate.
Like, I used to be really good at managing a warehouse, or
picking and packing distribution warehouse. I fucking hated it,
though. So being good at it wasn't necessarily a sign that I
should do it. But I felt compelled to keep doing it.
Because it's such an easy source of approval, where you can rely
on Dan Dan always gets the job done. And Dan came up with this
great new idea for doing things. I'm suddenly bathing and all
this approval, and never stopping to go, Hey, why am I
have a job that sucks. Now, let's get into the real reason
this happens. I went on a trip once I went to the United
States, it was my first really big overseas adventure. And I
was away for about six months. And I distinctly remember from
the moment I landed in the airport, returning to New
Zealand. And the next few weeks that followed, I noticed
something. One is, first of all foreigners, the scenery have
changed. You know, new roads have been built houses and
stuff, things have gone life and continued without me. And
something about that was unsettling. And then, more
importantly, I noticed people have moved on without me people
were living their lives, as well as they ever had. Without my
intervention. People were successful without needing me,
people could live without me. It's a realisation that slowly
crept in, like I've been away for six months. And it nobody
really noticed nobody really was bothered by this. Everybody just
moved on and live their life. And it brought up an existential
fear that I've been suppressing all my life, which is the fear
that I'm not significant. The fear that I don't matter. And
this is a core people pleaser fear that underneath it, that
our base raw, authentic selves has no real value. So we feel
this compulsion to put on a performance to put effort and to
be more than ourselves. To qualify as being valuable to
have an influence and make an impact and say, See, I was here,
I needed to be here, the universe needed me people needed
me, I was important I matter. We're deeply afraid that if I'm
just going to chill and just do what I want to do be middle of
the pack and just do things because I like them rather than
them. Because I'm good at them. The net will be somehow proof
that I have no worth I have no meaning there's no point to my
existence. This is what's also known as toxic shame, the belief
that there is something fundamentally wrong, or of low
worth about you. That deep deep down under the massive
performance of achievement and approval seeking that you put
on. There's just nothing, this broken thing that nobody could
ever love, just on its own. This thing has to perform and provide
a service before it can be worthy of love. It can't be
worthy of love, just suddenly doing nothing. And so people
pleasers use achievements say, look, I exist, I matter. I'm
important and valuable. Please confirm that I'm valuable. And
it drives them to do things they're good at and away from
things that they're not immediately good at, rather than
things they actually want to do. And a whole life can be built on
this. I work with, you know, more than a few clients. Now
we're over 40 over 50. And their whole life has been based on
seeking approval through achievement. And they don't like
anything about it. They don't like their job. They don't like
the marriage there and I can where they love that. And I like
themselves. And it's just proof as if any was needed, that this
method doesn't work. That trying to build self worth, by behaving
as if you're someone who has no self worth and you have to put
on an act is not a way to build self worth. It should make
sense. But of course it doesn't because so many people do. You
have to notice that you're driven by insecurity. You lose
track of what you're even supposed to be doing.
You know, when I was working in Department of Corrections, I
became so obsessed with getting promotions for being the
youngest guy to ever get promoted to whatever next level
is that about two promotions and I started actually moving away
from the work that I liked doing. You know, by the time I
was sort of senior role I'm like I'm not coaching anyone anymore.
That was the point of this job in the first place. How do I
lose track of that, but somebody seeking endless achievement can
easily start with something they liked. But then they get good at
it and they move away from it. I see it in the dance scene as
well, someone enjoys dancing, but then becomes obsessed with
performing and competing to prove that they're better. And
eventually, they get to a point where they're doing a type of
dancing, they don't even enjoy simply because they win
competitions. You lose respect. If you're always trying to beat
people and outshine them and show that you're the best how
you mentioned, they're going to feel about you, especially the
clever ones who can see that you're doing this from a
desperate, needy, insecure place, that you're not just
naturally achieving, that you're trying hard that you using
effort to beat people. I used to do the same, like joke meeting.
If I was ever in a room making people laugh, and somebody else
was funny, I'd always try to help funny them. You know, I'd
finish the jokes with an even funnier one. And kind of win the
funniness competition, they only existed inside my mind. I can
now imagine what that looked like from the outside. Like when
I see someone else doing it, it just makes me roll my eyes. Like
oh my god, that's so trihard like chamber from friends just
stop it. So you actually lose respect from other people and
from yourself. And the whole time you're being fake. You lose
the energy and time. list in my voice. You lose energy and time.
I used to sell books for an online bookstore that was
similar to eBay, or Amazon for years. And I became obsessed
with becoming really good at selling books. And I burned
myself out day and night trying to do this job. Well. When if I
just taken a second step back and go, Is this the job? For me?
The answer would have been a clear fuck nor. And I would have
just quit. But I was just obsessed with trying to do
really well and impress my boss, you know, prove that I was
worthwhile. And I just burned out a year of my life. And I
really at this point in my life, I can't see anything I gained
from there. There were no skills or strengths that I developed in
that role that helped me today. It was a total waste of time.
total waste of time that my obsession with doing well means
I couldn't see them. And I think most importantly, you lose
opportunities for what you might call an authentic life. You
know, you don't go talk to someone because you're scared it
won't go well and turns out they could have been your best friend
or your next lover. You don't go for the promotion because you're
not sure you're gonna get it on your first go. And yet there
might be your dream job or lightened with me, you know, I
didn't pursue kickboxing. And now I look back and like I
really wish I'd learned how to fight properly, you know,
restarted recently before my injuries, doing Krav Maga but I
was like, man, if I'd been doing kickboxing for 10 years up until
now I'd be fucking with it. But I quit because I lost my first
fight. You know what, what a missed opportunity. Just because
I wouldn't have been the best kickboxer and I won't be ever
right now learning how to do handstands I'm never going to be
Cirque du Soleil level handstand guy. Right? At best. I'm going
to be one of those guys who can do a handstand but you like
you're sort of cheating. It's not quite right. That's the best
I could probably hoped for with my particular genetics and
physical injuries and everything. But I like doing
them. They're challenging, they're fun, a little bit scary.
It feels like learning how to walk all over again. That's the
reason the door if you want to enjoy your life, you have to
accept being a C student, middle of the pack, uninteresting and
impressive to other people. In order to be excellent to
yourself. You should have by now gathered enough evidence in your
life that you can step back look at and go look. Trying to
achieve highly all the time. Doesn't make me happy. It makes
other people happy makes them pat me on the back. That reward
and that approval gives me highs Sure. But I don't fucking like
my life. You can see anybody's doing really well in their job.
And you say look, if I gave you $10 million, would you quit now?
Oh, fuck yeah. Well, then you don't like your job. You
couldn't pay me to quit coaching. Right? Now that
doesn't mean that you have to quit your job today. It just
means Why are you doing it? You're doing it just because
you're good at it just because people go when you're a good
little boy or girl. I mean that's A pathetic fucking reason
to do something. Instead of doing what you're naturally good
at, do what you want. Instead of being the big fish in the small
pond, deliberately put yourself in situations where you're the
lesser competitor. You know, rather than trying to win
everything, make sure put it this way, if you're winning,
whatever you're doing, it's not hard enough, it's not
challenging enough, you're not pushing yourself enough. You
know, you know, you're in the right place, if you're
constantly coming in third, fourth, or fifth. And that's you
trying your best, that's where you lay out. This is the right
level of competition, I'm surrounded by people who are
better than me, that's good. Being the one that everyone
looks up to, it might feel nice, give you a little dopamine that
give you a little dopamine rush. But it's not going to create a
meaningful life, it's not going to get rid of the existential
fear that you don't matter. Because the thing is you back
and don't matter. But that's okay. Because you're not
supposed to matter to other people. You only matter to
yourself. So if you're depriving yourself, then you're going to
be meaningless, then you're going to have no value or worth.
But if you try to do what you want with this life, even if it
means you kind of suck compared to others, you will matter to
you that will create the meaning that you're missing. That hole
cannot be filled by other people. Their preferences and
everything is so subjective anyway, with, even if they say
you're good, you're probably not. You know, I had people who
have done to me and they're like, Oh, my God, you're the
best dancer. But I wasn't. I was like an intermediate level
dancer in a small country in a tiny part of the world. I'm
definitely not the best dancer. So their feedback was
meaningless. Right? Now, if they said, they enjoy dancing with
me, that's different. But more importantly, if I enjoy dancing,
that's all that matters. Why would I improve beyond that
enjoyment? Why would I push myself to go somewhere where I
no longer enjoy it? That doesn't even fucking make sense. For
those of you who have this issue, I seriously recommend do
the brojo core values course and follow it with the living by
your values course. It's not doing things because they matter
to you rather than because they get approval from other people.
Okay, so one of the basic fundamentals of finding self
confidence. Thank you so much for watching. And if you're
watching this on YouTube, Please Subscribe and Support the
channel, share it around. Comment below. Let me know what
your thoughts are. Contact me dan@brojo.org With any feedback
or questions, and I'll see you guys on next time.