But we are back, folks. It's Monday.
And what a weekend it was. What a weekend.
Congrats, first of all, to all the Emmy winners last night.
Especially Key and Peele, uh, my boys,
and, uh, John Oliver, congratulations on that Emmy.
-(cheering, applause) -Well deserved. Yeah.
Both... both great shows.
And both lucky that Game of Thrones
wasn't in their category. Yeah.
Once Khaleesi starts... doing comedy, guys,
it's, uh, it's over.
-(laughter) -Just so you know. It's over.
But the big news this weekend, the biggest news,
happened in New York.
We start with breaking news out of New York this morning.
29 people were injured Saturday night
in what officials say was an intentional explosion
at the busy Manhattan neighborhood of Chelsea.
The noise was deafening, like a thousand fireworks going off.
People running, um, wiping their eyes,
and just terrified.
It sounded like a million pianos just dropped...
Wow.
This, uh, really was a frightening experience.
Saturday night there was a terrorist attack
in New York City, and fortunately,
no one was killed.
And can I just give a shoutout to all of the first responders
who rushed in to assist at the scene.
Seeing those images was honestly one of the most amazing things.
People running in to help-- that was truly amazing.
So congrats to all of those people.
Uh, and by the way, I love that piano kid.
-(laughter) -Just by the way.
No, that's how you know you live in a First World country.
-(laughter) -When... when your children
describe explosions as pianos falling.
(laughter)
Yes. I doubt in Syria they have that problem.
What did it sound like?
It sounded like a bomb, that's what it sounded like.
Someone's like, "The only thing I know that's loud
"is a piano falling.
Yes, that's what that is."
And, you know, I live in New York,
and I thought I was getting the hang of it, you know?
I know where the best pizza is,
I know how to avoid rats on the subway, you know,
just don't make eye contact, um...
and-and I know which Elmo in Times Square
-sells the best weed. -(laughter)
But this weekend, this weekend taught me
that being a New Yorker is so much more than just buying weed
and taking the subway down to get some pizza.
You know? Because the news, if you're watching the news,
they made it sound like everyone in New York was panicking.
But real New Yorkers, they weren't terrorized.
They were... inconvenienced.
I'm here saying I need to go to work tomorrow, I need my car.
We were supposed to go see a movie tonight; that shut down.
NEWSMAN: People are more concerned about why the subways
weren't running as smoothly as they normally are.
We were just driving on Park,
and you couldn't turn into half the blocks, so...
-What were you thinking? -I'm thinking,
should I be sitting here still enjoying my meal at BBQ's?
I am waiting here to see when I can go get my car
from over there-- it's a... it's a rental.
-(laughter) -"It's a rental."
"It's a rental."
That is insane.
She rented a car in New York City?
Who are you, lady?
Who are you? Haven't you heard of Uber?
Who is this person?
New Yorkers are hard, man.
A bomb went off in Chelsea,
and that same night, a few blocks away
people were partying in the club.
Just, like, everyone was like,
"Hey, did you hear about the bomb that went off a few bl..."
"Yeah, man, that's a consequence
of living in a free society, man. Yeah!"
♪ I know you want me, whoo! ♪
♪ I know I want you, whoo! ♪
♪ You know I want, yeah...♪
-(applause, whooping) -That's New York!
These people, I... I guess when you think about it,
it makes sense-- because this is the same city
where there's so much danger all the time,
that basically all the superheroes have to live here.
Think about it. That'll harden you guys.
The Ninja Turtles live here,
uh, Daredevil,
uh, Spider-Man-- always fighting crime here, right?
Although... although, I think Spider-Man,
that's, like... he only can fight crime in New York.
Probably tried that (bleep) in Kansas and it didn't work out.
Yeah, there's no buildings. He's just running around like,
I don't know.
I-I swear, where I'm from, I'm a superhero.
I'm a superhero. You don't... If you had buildings,
man, I would be showing you right now.
I would be showing you right now.
And-and by the way, this is great news.
As of right now, the police have a suspect in custody,
which is amazing.
Within two days, in a region of 20 million people,
they managed to find and arrest the suspect.
Although, although, they did get a little help
from some civic-minded New Yorkers.
TV REPORTER: Two thieves ended up helping police
in this investigation.
The pair found that pressure-cooker bomb
in Chelsea that didn't go off Saturday night.
It was in a rolling suitcase that the pair was stealing
on West 27th Street.
They opened up the bag, they found the bomb inside.
They put the bomb in a garbage bag,
and then left with the empty suitcase.
The thieves inadvertently disabled the explosive
when they took it out of the bag.
And that allowed investigators to examine the cell phone
that was attached to the bomb,
and that phone eventually helped investigators
find Ahmad Rahami's family.
Well, there you have it, folks.
-I guess crime does pay, huh? -(laughter, applause)
The thieves stole the bag that had the bomb.
You know, you know...
You know when you watch movies, and like,
people act like experts when diffusing a bomb.
What do you got to do, what do you...
And these guys are just like,
"Ugh, there's a bomb in the bag, ugh."
Just zip...
Yeah, it turns out all you need is confidence.
"Meh."
Bag gone.
That's a testament to how badass New Yorkers are.
And also, how expensive luggage is.
You just can't take your eyes off it.
I finally understand why Ben Carson reacted like this:
You said he learned a lot of things.
-What do you think he took away from-from today? -Oh.
-My luggage. -(Reporter chuckles)
-Uh... hold on. -Okay.
Yeah, and then he ran to New York,
"My luggage, my luggage."
Not only were New Yorkers not affected by the bomb,
New Yorkers were genuinely annoyed
by having to deal with the bombing.
I've never seen anything like this.
Because early this morning, all right,
the City of New York sent an emergency alert
to everyone's phone to be on the lookout
for a particular suspect.
And New Yorkers were so mad that the alert woke them up.
Everyone was tweeting about it.
My favorite, my favorite tweet was this one, when someone said,
"Sick and tired of the alert (bleep) spamming my phone,
"whoever know where this bitch at, please tell 911,
so I can (bleep) sleep."
(applause)
That... that is badass.
The person is sick and tired.
It's the first time you ever got a terror alert.
"I'm already sick and tired."
I've never seen anyone hit the snooze button
on a terrorism alert before.
And I, I just, I just love the idea.
I just love the idea that people were more pissed off about this,
than the actual act of terrorism.
I wonder if terrorists are now like,
looking at these-these tweets like,
"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
"Do you know how hard it is to make bombs?
"I could have just sent people messages in the morning?
"This is all I needed to terrorize them?
"Forget the C-4, we just need unlimited texting plans.
What's going on here?"