(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE.
>> James: ANYONE INTRIGUED BY THE SIDE EFFECTS TO HOSTING A
SUPER BOWL PARTY?
THE SIDE EFFECTS OF A SUPER BOWL PARTY MAY INCLUDE:
WORRYING YOU DIDN'T BUY ENOUGH ICE, SO YOU BOUGHT TOO MUCH ICE
AND THEN TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY
FUNNY STORY.
A SORE THROAT FROM SHOUTING, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT DORITOS
COMMERCIAL?!" CONSTANTLY ASKING EVERYONE IF
THEY WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE THE ONE
DEFINITELY NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME.
GETTING ANNOYED WHEN THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT BOXED WINE PROCEEDED
TO DRINK ALL OF YOUR CRAFT BEER.
MISSING THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE GAME BECAUSE YOU WERE ON
THE FLOOR CLEANING UP THE POTATO SALAD THAT CAROL SPILLED AND
WALKED AWAY FROM BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT NOBODY NOTICED.
I NOTICED, CAROL.
IT'S MY (BLEEP) HOME!
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT TO HOSTING A SUPER BOWL PARTY IS
NEVER HOST BE A SUPER BOWL PARTY AGAIN.
WHAT ABOUT: WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT
KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL.
A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME.
THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS TO WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT
KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND THEY INCLUDE,
ASKING WHAT HAPPENED TO "GISELLE'S HUSBAND."
[ Laughter ] >> James: TALKING THROUGHOUT
THE WHOLE GAME AND THEN YELLING AT
EVERYONE TO SHUT UP DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW.
SCREAMING "GOAL!!!" WHEN BEYONCE JOINED COLDPLAY.
ANNOYING EVERYONE WHEN YOU REFERRED TO THE PANTHERS AND
BRONCOS AS THE BLUE TEAM AND THE ORANGE TEAM.
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT TO WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT
KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS:
STABBING YOURSELF IN THE LEG WITH A PENCIL SO YOU DIDN'T CALL
IT "AMERICAN FOOTBALL" INSTEAD OF JUST "FOOTBALL" EVEN THOUGH
THE REST OF THE WORLD ALREADY HAS A GAME CALLED FOOTBALL
THAT'S ACTUALLY PLAYED WITH YOUR FEET.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: WHAT -- WHAT ABOUT:
BEING THE FOURTH LAYER IN A 7-LAYER DIP.
IF YOU'RE THINKING OF BEING THE FOURTH LAYER IN A SEVEN LAYER
DIP YOU SHOULD KNOW THE SIDE EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS
MAY INCLUDE: YOU ARE BEANS.
MOVING ON.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: YOU ARE BEANS.NOW
ANYONE HERE A CAROLINA PANTHERS FAN WHOSE WIFE ALSO LEFT THEM
THIS WEEK?
BECAUSE IF YOU ARE A CAROLINA PANTHERS FAN WHOSE WIFE ALSO
LEFT YOU THIS WEEK, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS AND
THOSE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE.
ASKING YOURSELF IF YOUR TEAM WAS EVEN TRYING.
YELLING THAT THEY WEREN'T PUTTING ANY EFFORT IN TOWARDS
THE END EVEN THOUGH YOU HADN'T GIVEN UP.
REALIZING THE PANTHERS WILL NEVER WEAR THIS YEAR'S SUPER
BOWL RING, AS YOU STARE DOWN AT YOUR OWN RINGLESS FINGER.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: NOT BEING ABLE TO
SEE YOUR PLAYERS ON THE WEEKENDS.
SERIOUSLY WONDERING IF HUMANS WERE MEANT TO BE LOYAL TO JUST
ONE TEAM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
THINK ABOUT ALL THE OTHER TEAMS YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ROOTING
ROOTING FOR.
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECTS BEING, BEING A CAROLINA PANTHERS
FAN THE SAME WEEK YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU,
REALIZING YOU NEVER LIKED FOOTBALL IN THE FIRST PLACE OR
WOMEN.
OH MY GOD, YOU'RE FINALLY FREE.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: WHAT ABOUT
BEING CAM NEWTON TODAY.
THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS TO BEING CAM NEWTON TODAY AND THEY MAY
INCLUDE: FLASHING BACK TO PEYTON MANNING
KISSING PAPA JOHN WHILE YOU ORDER DOMINO'S.
DABBING YOUR TEARS AFTER LOSING THE SUPER BOWL.
HAVING TO PAY FOR YOUR TRIP TO DISNEYLAND.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: RETURNING YOUR
VERSACE PANTS, BECAUSE THEY SORT OF SCREAM
"WINNERS ONLY."
NOT GETTING THAT FIG NEWTON SPONSORSHIP YOU WANTED.
SPENDING THE WHOLE SEASON THINKING YOU'RE SUPERMAN, THEN
PLAYING THE SUPER BOWL LIKE YOU'RE JUST CLARK KENT.
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING CAM NEWTON TODAY IS:
FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF UNTIL YOU REALIZE YOU'RE STILL CAM
NEWTON, YOU'RE 26, BEAUTIFUL, YOU'RE RICH AND YOU WILL
DEFINITELY BE BACK AGAIN!