- All right, calm down!
(audience cheering)
Calm down, come on!
(audience laughter)
Now, know I'm about to tell,
you know I'm sayin'?
A hot female like you, bring that ass here, girl,
you feelin' what I'm saying?
But I'm tryin' to be a gentleman.
So when I look at you, baby,
you remind me of a hear murmur,
'cause e'erytime I look at you,
you make my heart skip a beat.
(audience laughter) (buzzer noise)
Yo you don't know that, you don't know that!
(shouting)
(buzzer noise)
People have died from heart murmur!
- Oh hello.
(audience laughter)
I'm not really good at this sort of thing
so I'll let my friend Mr. Washington do the talking.
(buzzer noise)
- [Female] Damn!
(applause)
- You know I don't believe in pre-nups.
(audience laughter)
(buzzer noise)
(audience cheering)
- Whoo!
If yo left leg was Christmas,
and yo right leg was New Years,
could I visit you between the holiday?
(audience cheering)
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- What's up?
- Aight, so.
- Yeah, they talkin' all dirty
but I would love to lose my virginity to you.
(audience yells)
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- Woo!
Baby, if you had a twin, I'd get the other one pregnant!
So you don't lose that shave!
(buzzer noise)
- [Male] That was funny.
- [Contestant] That was funny!
(applause)
(audience cheering)
- Hello.
I'm friends with him and he can do this.
(audience cheering)
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- I just wanna let you know, I take care of my kids.
(audience laughter)
(buzzer noise)
- We ask Shanika, would she ever have sex with Emmanuel,
you said no, the lie detector determined,
you're telling a lie,
you'll have sex with him 10 times!
- Let's go!
Let's go!
I knew I'd smash.
(audience laughter)
(applause)
- Between both of us, we got six inches.
- Make that 6.5 inches.
(audience cheering)
(buzzer noise)
(audience laughter)
- When I look at you, I feel like the pages in a book
'cause you could turn me!
Hey!
(buzzer noise)
- That's not Mariah or nothin'.
(audience laughter)
You ever seen a one-eyed monster?
- No.
(buzzer noise)
(audience laughter)
- Dammit, dammit!
It's an eye patch, what I.
- Get her, Til!
- Yeah.
Hey, you know, this is crazy,
like I may not go down in history,
but I'll go (bleep) on you!
(audience laughter)
(buzzer noise)
What?
No, like I will give her oral sex.
- [Male] No, no.
(audience laughter)
- Ladies like that!
- [Male] Uh oh, uh oh.
(audience cheering)
- Let me know if I can help you today.
Let me know if you see anything you like.
Let me know if you want try something on in an extra large.
(buzzer noise)
That's perfect, that's exactly how I wanted that to go.
(applause)
- Bracy, the reason why I want you
is 'cause you're just like Nick's rap career,
so I know you suck!
(buzzer noise)
- [Male] Yeah, that was disrespectful.
- [Host] So you gotta hate on anotha man to get a chick?
- So what, I'm a hater!
(audience laughter)
(applause)
- You say you hungry?
- Nah bro you got it, appreciate it bro, appreciate it.
- Yeah lemme get a number two,
one, three, and the rest of them digits!
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- We could take a shower, a golden one.
What, no, 'cause my,
(buzzer noise)
no, see, she gotta stay hydrated
'cause the gold.
What, I wasn't talkin' R. Kelly.
I wasn't talkin'.
(applause)
- Wassup, gorgeous?
Now listen, I got millions of followers on my Instagram.
You feel me?
So let's take this selfie real quick.
Cheese!
Now I'll tag you in this picture
if you let me tag you later on tonight.
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- I got one!
Hey, hey, hey.
I got this package for you to sign.
It's from God.
- Where I sign it, over here?
Yeah?
- Hey con, dear Heavenly Father.
(buzzer noise)
- [Man] He's flirty though!
(audience cheering)
- Whoo, it's so hot in here.
I ran all the way here, come here.
Oh my God, you're so cold!
Here, get in this hot pocket!
(buzzer noise)
- Aw!
(applause)
- Finally a Wild n Out girl that's my size,
you know what I'm sayin', all right.
You ever been to Korean Barbecue before?
- No.
- It's where we take some Asian meat
and put it on your grill.
(buzzer noise)
- That was sweet, DJ do.
(applause)
- D.C.!
Hey boo.
When I look at you, girl,
you remind me of a Eddie Murphy stand up special.
- Oh?
- You know why?
- Why?
- 'Cause after I hit you raw,
you gon' be delirious.
(buzzer noise)
- Blow up Eddie Murphy.
(applause)
- [Man] Get 'em, Jess!
- What's up, boo?
Look I'm Jess Alarious and I'm from Baltimore.
We call it bodymore.
Look, I'm trying take you back home with me.
So I can see that body more.
(buzzer noise)
- You know the real reason they call it bodymore?
- Baltimore, why you be racist?
- Sit down.
(applause)
- What's up, baby girl, how you doin'?
- Hey.
- Look, you know I'm with the Wu-Tang Clan, right?
And if you look right over there,
that's Raekwon, that's the chef.
- Who are you tryna holla at?
- I'm telling you that.
- Not me!
- What the (bleep) is wrong with you?
- You was telling out there!
(laughter)
- Never mind, she don't listen.
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- Hola mami.
- Hola!
- (speaks in foreign language)
- I don't speak Spanish, sorry.
- Dammit! (buzzer noise)
Where you from?
What is you, Russian?
- Russia, yes!
(applause)
- Hey cutie!
- Wassup.
- How you doin'?
- I'm good.
- Good, well hey, I see you're so strong,
you have them biceps, can you hold this?
That's a buzz (buzzer noise)
that's a wrong play.
- [Women] Damn, it's okay!
(applause)
- How you doin' lil mama?
- Hi.
- That body, incredible.
- You like it?
- I mean, a perfect 10!
But the face, you what'd make the face
look a little bit better?
My legs wrapped around it!
(audience cheering)
(buzzer noise)
- Hey, Dee Rae, hey Dee Rae, you gave,
- [Host] You was too obvious, get outta here.
- You gave the most quietest pickup line a bell.
- Get back to your pit, go to your pit, go to your pit.
(applause)
- Okay, now remember the winner of this spelling bee
gets a date with these Wild n Out girls.
Are you ready for your final word?
- Yes, yes!
- Okay, your final word is humongous.
- Humong, oh that's easy!
Humongous.
M-Y-P-E-N-I-S.
Humongous.
(audience laughter)
(buzzer noise)
- Your penis will always get a buzz anywhere near me.
(applause)
- Y'all wanna see something beautiful?
- Yeah.
(audience cheers)
(buzzer noise)
- Hey yo, hey yo, hey yo!
- [Host] I mean it's true, but it ain't, it ain't,
you understand?
You smarter than that!
- Yo, real power ain't gonna win?
- You smarter than that.
- Your mama gonna be mad that you buzzed that.
- [Host] She could be mad.
She been mad before.
- Y'all wanna see something humongous?
(audience cheers)
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- Baby, I ain't gonna lie.
I know this 'posed to be a pickup
and you know what I'm sayin', game,
and I do like classy girls,
but I like hoes a little bit better.
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
(audience cheering)
- You see that?
I'm just trying dance my way into your heart!
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
- If I said you had an amazing body,
would you hold it against me?
(audience cheering)
(buzzer noise)
- Would you hold it against me?
- If that ain't older than all of us in here.
- Are you, oh my God!
(applause)
- Aight you see, they all disrespectful.
Trying to have sex with you,
No, I'm not trying to do that at all.
Here, can you just give me the top.
(buzzer noise)
- Why you hate?
(applause)
- You see, I'm from Denmark
and there is nothing better than starting a date
eating a Danish pastry.
(buzzer noise)
- Pretty much she said she got a Danish pastry right here.
- That was.
- (applause) I'm ready for this.
I'm going over these scenes for Insecure next season
and right now, right now I'm going over a scene
where I smash you on stage, you ready?
(audience cheers)
- You better not.
(buzzer noise)
(applause)
(audience laughter)
♪ You got me speechless ♪
- No, I can't give him for that. (buzzer noise)
- What are you talkin' about?
♪ You got me speechless ♪
I wanna buy a damn bell!
♪ Speechless ♪
(applause)
- God damn!
You fine little (bleep).
They say don't touch,
but guess what, I'm a type of man to (bleep) with my eyes,
I want all that, God damn!
(audience laughter)
(buzzer noise)
What?
- Thank you!
- [Contestant] I want all that?
Hold up, hold up, ain't nothin' wrong with face,
(bleep) I want them draw!
(audience boos)
- You know I just turned vegan, right?
So everything I eat gotta be green.
(audience cheering)
- You not vegan, you not vegan!
(buzzer noise)
- That's 'cause you eat pork!
You swine-eatin' bastard!
You get your diet together, stop eatin' all that meat.
(audience laughter)
(applause)
- Cool, cool, hi, welcome to the Wild n Out jewelry store,
is there anything I can help you with?
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm lookin' for something nice,
to you know, complete me.
I already got the earrings, the ring, and the watch,
you know what I'm sayin',
I just need somethin' you know, complete it.
- Okay, so you're lookin' for something
that will look good around your neck.
Okay, well, how 'bout this Cuban here?
- Oh 'kay that is nice, how much is this?
- That's about $75,000.
- I'ma put that right back.
- All right, well you just let me know
if you see anything that peaks your interest.
- Okay, okay.
Her legs would be perfect around my neck!
(buzzer noise)
- I fell asleep and woke up
and y'all was still standing there.
(applause)
(coughs)
- I done told them to put sugar,
man, damn, now I gotta taste somethin' sweet.
Oh yeah, that's it right there.
Because look, hold on, wait,
wait, wait, wait! (buzzer noise)
- Trash!
- Give me a new.
(applause)
- Now they're waitin' for the big.
Oh!
Damn, that tea is nasty!
I told 'em to put some sugar in,
damn!
Your shoulder is nasty!
(buzzer noise)