ZOOEY, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> James: DID YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE?
>> I DID.
>> James: WHAT DID YOU DO?
DID YOUR FAMILY TAKE YOU OUT TO A RESTAURANT?
>> NO, I DON'T LIKE GOING TO RESTAURANTS ON MOTHER'S DAY,
BECAUSE IT'S PLAYED OUT, YOU KNOW?
>> James: IN WHAT WAY?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
>> IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, CROWDED AND CRAZY, AND YOU HAVE TO WAIT
AND IT'S LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF RELAXING!
SO I COOKED FOR EVERYONE.
>> James: COMPLETELY RELAXING!
>> COMPLETELY RELAXING.
MORE RELAXING THAN WAITING AT A RESTAURANT, BECAUSE I THINK YOU
HAVE EXPECTATIONS WHEN YOU WAIT AT A RESTAURANT -- WHEN YOU GO
TO A RESTAURANT, YOU EXPECT YOU'RE GOING TO, LIKE, GET TO
SIT DOWN AND EAT AND THEN A LOT OF TIMES THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> James: BUT NOT WITH CHILDREN.
NOW WITH CHILDREN GOING TO A RESTAURANT WITH CHILDREN IS A
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE THAN GOING TO A RESTAURANT
WITHOUT THEM.
>> I HOPE THEY HAVE CRAYONS.
I HOPE THEY HAVE CRAYONS.
>> James: I'M ORDERING THINGS AS I MAKE MY WAY TO THE TABLE.
PASTA WITH BUTTER, CHICKEN FINGERS, WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR
US AND CAN WE GET THE CHECK NOW, PLEASE.
>> AS SOON AS WE SIT DOWN, WE SAY SHE NEEDS YOGURT NOW.
I PREFEED THE BABY.
OUR 2-YEAR-OLD, LIKE, WE HAVE TO ORDER IMMEDIATELY.
>> James: YEAH.
I UNDERSTAND IT.
I GET IT.
SO THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME ON THE SHOW, JOHN.
>> YES.
>> James: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE WITH YOU BOTH.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
>> James: YOUR MOST RECENT SPECIAL IS SO BRILLIANT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT LATER.
>> THANK YOU.
>> James: BUT YOU SAID IN THE LAST YEAR, YOU WERE ON A HUGE
STAND-UP TOUR?
>> YEAH, I DID 150 DATES AROUND THE COUNTRY.
>> James: 150 DATES?
HOW DID YOU GET AROUND WHEN YOU'RE ON A TOUR LIKE THAT?
ARE YOU IN A VAN?
ON A PLANE?
IN A BUS?
>> ALL OF THESE.
>> James: AH!
>> YES, I WAS ON A BUS FOR A LONG TIME.
EARLIER ON THE TOUR, I HAD TO GO FROM PORTLAND, MAINE, TO HALIFAX
, NOVA SCOTIA WHICH IS A FISHING VILLAGE IN CANADA.
I HAD TO BE DRIVEN OVER THE CANADIAN BORDER.
WE NEEDED TO FIND SOMEONE TO DO THIS.
WE HIRED A BACHELOR PARTY LIMO BUS, BECAUSE IF YOU ASK THEM TO
DO ANYTHING, THEY WILL.
>> James: YES.
>> THEY'LL BURY A DEAD BODY FOR YOU.
SO WE WERE LIKE, ALL RIGHT.
SO WE HIRED THIS WHITE STRETCH, LIKE, PROM NIGHT LIMOUSINE AND
IT'S GOING TO DRIVE US OVER TO HALIFAX NOVA SCOTIA.
IT'S LIKE 5:00 A.M.
I GET OUT OF THE HOTEL.
MY FRIEND MAX AND I ARE ON THE TOUR.
WE WALK OUT, THE DRIVER IS LEANING AGAINST THE CAR.
HE SAYS "BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE JOE
BIDEN!" THANK YOU FOR ADDRESSING THE
NONELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
THAT IS YOUR PASSING RESEMBLANCE TO THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT.
WE DROVE ACROSS THE BORDER AND WE PASSED OUT.
THEN WE, LIKE, WOKE UP AND THERE'S LIKE A THUD ON THE SIDE.
I HEAR HIM GO, "I GOT TWO COMEDIANS IN HERE AND WE'RE
GOING TO HALIFAX."
THEY'RE LIKE, "GET OUT RIGHT NOW!"
I THINK THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO FIND FUN SHOW BUSINESS
THINGS.
>> I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WOKEN UP ON GOING TO CANADA ON TOUR.
THEY GET EVERYBODY OFF THE BUS.
>> THEY LOVE IT.
>> YEAH.
THEY LOVE-LOVE-LOVE IT!
MUSICIANS AND COMEDIANS.
THEN THEY TAKE A LOOK AT YOU AND THEY'RE LIKE, GO BACK TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE FINE.
>> THEY OPENED MY BAG AND IT WAS ONLY FACE CREAM.
>> James: ONLY FACE CREAMS?
>> IT'S A SERIES OF FACE CREAMS YOU HAVE TO APPLY IN A CERTAIN
ORDER.
>> James: HOW MANY CREAMS ARE YOU USING RIGHT NOW?
>> THERE'S THREE.
>> James: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU'RE ON THREE CREAMS?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE A TONER?
>> NO TONER.
WHAT'S THAT?
>> YOU ARE A GUY THAT PUTS THREE CREAMS ON YOUR FACE AND YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT A TONER IS?
>> James: WHAT CREAMS ARE YOU USING?
>> IN FAIRNESS TO ME, I HAVE A NIGHT-TIME CREAM AND DAY-TIME
CREAM AND SPF 25.
>> SPF 25.
YES.
>> James: I USE ZERO CREAM.
>> NO WAY!
>> YOU HAVE GREAT SKIN.
>> James: BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF BEING CHUBBY.
THERE ARE VERY FEW PLUS POINTS, HOWEVER, THE ONE THING IT DOES
GIVE YOU IS A YOUTHFUL BOUNCE IN THE OLD FACE.
NOW, SHOULD I, SHOULD I DO WHAT'S NOW KNOW AS A REGGIE
WATTS AND LOSE 50 POUNDS, I WILL IMMEDIATELY BE HITTING YOU BOTH
UP FOR CREAMS.
THIS IS GOING TO DROP IN A WAY WHERE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE
SURE IF I'VE EITHER BEEN ON A DIET OR GOT A DISEASE.
AND THAT'S THE CRUX OF IT, BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M CREAM-FREE.
NOT EVEN LIP BALM.
>> YOU'RE HYDRATED NATURALLY?
>> James: BECAUSE I THINK LIP BALM MAKES YOUR LIPS GIVE UP.
NOW, WE HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS, ZOOEY.
THIS IS HUGELY EXCITING.
YOU'RE STARRING AS BELLE IN "THE BEAUTY & THE BEAST" AT THE
HOLLYWOOD BOWL?
>> YES.
YES.
UM, I LOVE "BEAUTY & THE BEAST" GROWING UP.
IT'S A FUN CONCERT, LIKE, AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL.
>> James: IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING.
YOU'RE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE SONGS, BECAUSE YOU SANG "BEAUTY
& THE BEAST" SONGS IN CHILDHOOD TALENT SHOWS?
>> WELL, A BEAUTY PAGEANT I ACCIDENTALLY ENTERED WHEN I WAS
14.
I SANG "BE OUR GUEST."
>> James: YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A BEAUTY PAGEANT?
>> IT WAS A YOUTH PAGEANT.
>> THAT'S THE NAME OF IT?
YOUTH PAGEANT?
>> YOUTH PAGEANT.
>> THAT IS THE CREEPIEST THING.
>> IT WAS CREEPY.
IT WAS CREEPY.
IT WAS WEIRD, AND, UM, I WAS, LIKE, VERY MUCH NOT INTO IT BY
THE TIME I REALIZED WHAT IT WAS, BUT I ALREADY PAID $50 FOR THE
ADMISSION, UM, FEE, WHICH I THOUGHT IT WAS A TALENT SHOW.
MY CHOIR TEACHER SAID, "THIS IS A TALENT SHOW AND FOR PEOPLE WHO
LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD."
I WAS LIKE, "I LOVE A TALENT SHOW.
I WANT TO SHINE.
AND I LIKE TO SING."
I WAS LIKE.
>> YEAH, SIGN ME UP."
I PAID MY $50 AND I GET THERE AND IT'S RUN BY THIS BEAUTY
QUEEN WOMAN AND IT'S LIKE A BEAUTY PAGEANT PAYMENT --
PAGEANT AND THEY DON'T HAVE A SWIM SUIT COMPETITION.
>> James: YOU'LL BE SINGING THOSE SONGS AT THE HOLLYWOOD
BOWL?
>> YES.
EXACTLY.
>> James: I CAN'T WAIT.
THAT'S MAYBE MY FAVORITE VENUE IN LOS ANGELES.
YOU DON'T LIKE GOING TO CONCERTS, RIGHT?
>> NO.
I GET SCARED OF OUTDOOR CONCERTS.
>> James: WHY?
>> I DID A LOT OF DRUGS AT THEM.
JUST TO BE BLUNT, AND I -- LIKE I SAW DAVID BOWIE IN COLLEGE IN
THIS OUTDOOR PAVILION IN MARYLAND.
I NEEDED TO SPICE IT UP BECAUSE IT WAS MARYLAND, SO I ATE A HALF
OF 1/8 OF MUSHROOMS.
>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
>> HALF OF 1/8?
>> YEAH.
>> TOO MANY FOR AFTER DINNER.
IT WAS 2:00 P.M.
OK, I EAT THEM ALL.
I STARTED HALLUCINATING AS ONE DOES AND I GET THERE, AND I GO
WHEN'S BOWIE ON.
THEY'RE LIKE, THIS IS A MUSIC FESTIVAL.
HE'S NOT ON UNTIL 9:00 TONIGHT!
I'M STARTING TO HALLUCINATE A GREAT DEAL AND I SAID, "WELL,
WHO IS ON NOW?" THEY SAID BUST-A-RHYMES WHICH IS
NOT A NAME THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE REALLY TRIPPING HARD
AND EXPECTING DAVID BOWIE.
I WANDERED AROUND FOR SIX HOURS AND IT WAS THE SCARIEST THING.
I WATCHED A WOMAN EAT A HOTDOG OVER A GARBAGE CAN, AND I STARED
AT HER LIKE SHE WAS THE MONA LISA.
NOW, I LOOK AT PHOTOS OF PEOPLE AT COACHELLA AND I HAVE A PANIC
ATTACK.
WHERE'S THE WATER?
WHERE'S THE HYDRATION?
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY, LIKE, MUSIC FESTIVAL IS DIFFERENT FROM
LIKE AN OUTDOOR CONCERT LIKE THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL.
>> NO, WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING SEEMS LIKE A VERY CLASSY AFFAIR.
NO TEENAGER WOULD SHOW UP HALLUCINATING OUT OF HIS MIND
THERE.
>> OH WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DID A SHOW AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS IN ATLANTA.
THERE WAS A FIGHT BETWEEN THE PEOPLE WHO HAD THE SEATS IN THE
FRONT AND THEN THERE WAS, LIKE, ONE GUY WHO WAS LIKE DEFINITELY,
LIKE, ON HALLUCINOGENIC.
HE JUMPED UPON RARE LILLY PADS AND STARTED FLASHING EVERYONE IN
THE FRONT ROW.
IT WAS VERY MEMORABLE.
>> HAVE YOU PLAYED ALBUQUERQUE?
>> NO.
>> OK THIS GUY COMES AT ME AT ALBUQUERQUE.
HE'S GOT A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER DURING THE SHOW.
WALKING STRAIGHT TOWARD THE STAGE, WHICH I DON'T CARE FOR,
ALL RIGHT?
I CAN SEE MY NAME ON IT.
HE'S GOT IT.
HE'S LIKE -- HE'S DETERMINED, YOU KNOW?
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?"
HE SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE A LETTER FROM SOMEONE YOU BLOCKED
ON TWITTER."
>> ACTUALLY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT AT ALL.
>> EXACTLY!
I DON'T REMEMBER BLOCKING HIM, SO HE MUST BE PRETTY CRAZY.
I'M LIKE, "HAVE A SEAT.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE."
AT SOME REASON WE RELATED ON A PSYCHO-LEVEL AND HE SAT DOWN.
THE PROMOTER SAID, "YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.
I WENT FOR MY GUN."
I GO, "I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT."