>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. UH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF
UNFORTUNATE NEWS ABOUT TONIGHT'S SHOW.
EVERYTHING'S OKAY. IT'S JUST THAT MY DOG, BENNY,
ATE THE OPENING CREDITS. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DOESN'T READ
THE LABELS. ANYWAY, THE GOOD NEWS IS, IS
THAT I HAVE RIGHT HERE, DANIELS, THE SUPERSTAR DIRECTING DUO
BEHIND THE OSCAR-NOMINATED FILM "EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT
ONCE" AND THEY HAVE GENEROUSLY AGREED TO MAKE US A NEW OPENING
CREDITS. >> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
WE'RE REALLY EXCITED TO SHOW YOU WHAT WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
>> Stephen: ME TOO. I MEAN, YOUR FILM IS SUCH A FUN,
WILD RIDE. IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.
IT'S GOT HOT DOG HANDS AND SINGING RACCOONS AND KUNG FU.
>> THANK YOU. YEAH, BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANY OF
THAT FOR THIS. >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> YEAH, WE FIGURED IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
YOUR AUDIENCE IS PROBABLY TIRED. THEY COULD USE A BREAK.
>> YOU CAN'T ENJOY YOURSELF IF YOU DON'T FEEL WELL RESTED.
>> AND SO WE WENT WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE CALM, MEDITATIVE.
>> Stephen: MEDITATIVE? GUYS, THIS IS THE OPENING TO A
COMEDY SHOW. >> SHH.
>> Stephen: YOU NEED A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF --
>> SHUSH, SHUT, SHUT YOUR FACE. >> ROLL THE TAPE.
[GENTLE MUSIC] >> [SPEAKING SOFTLY]
IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES NICK KROLL AND CONGRESSMAN JIM HIMES.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
AND SPECIAL ACTIVITY: RECONNECTING WITH A CHILDHOOD
FRIEND OVER THE PHONE. PLUS, THE LIFE-CHANGING
REALIZATION THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
AND A FULL HOUR OF WATCHING A MUSHROOM GROW OUT OF A FALLEN
TREE. TO KNOWLEDGE THE BEAUTY AND THE
FACT THAT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOU, MUST ONE DAY DIE
IN ORDER FOR MORE LIFE TO FORM, BECAUSE DEATH AND GROWTH ARE
INTERCONNECTED. >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
JIMMY, COULD YOU STOP, PLEASE. THANK YOU.
IT'S, UH, IT'S COOL. IT'S REALLY COOL, GUYS.
IT'S JUST, IT'S A TERRIBLE OPENING FOR MY SHOW.
>> WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> Stephen: WE NEED ENERGY.
OKAY? I WANTED EXPLOSIONS.
I WANTED FIGHTS. I WANT SOMEBODY TO KICK THROUGH
A WALL. >> WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
IT'S TIME TO START THE SHOW, AND THE AUDIENCE IS ASLEEP.
>> SORRY, STEPHEN. WHAT DO WE DO?
>> UM, YOU COULD JUST NOT DO THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: NO. I'M NOT GOING TO LET THESE TWO
INEXPERIENCED MAN-CHILDREN RUIN MY SHOW JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE
MULTIVERSE WHERE THEY SUCK. HIT THE LIGHTS!
CUE THE ANNOUNCER. FIRE UP THE BAND.
SCRIPT! SOMEBODY'S GOT TO SAVE THIS
SHOW. POWDER!
LIPGLOSS. >> STEPHEN, IT'S WORKING.
THE AUDIENCE IS WAKING UP. >> Stephen: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
THEY ARE. SHH.
>> Audience: [CHANTING] STEPHEN!
STEPHEN! >> YES, THEY ARE EVEN MORE
PUMPED UP THAN EVER BEFORE. >> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S ALMOST
AS IF THAT MEDITATIVE OPENING GOT THEM EVEN MORE EXCITED.
>> THE AUDIENCE COULD USE A BREAK.
>> YOU CAN'T HAVE FUN IF YOU'RE NOT WELL RESTED.
[DING] >> ONE SECOND TO SHOWTIME.
>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY? ONE SECOND?
>> YES. ONE SECOND.
THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: BUT ONE SECOND'S
NOT EVEN ENOUGH FOR ME TO MAKE IT TO THE STAGE.
UNLESS! I WANT TO SEE EXPLOSIONS.
I WANT TO SEE FIGHTS. I WANT TO SEE SOMEBODY KICK
THROUGH A WALL. [STAMPING]
LET'S DO IT! >> [GASPING]
>> OH, MY GOD. >> Stephen: MY STUNT DOUBLE!
HE'S DEAD! >> HE RAN INTO THE WALL INSTEAD
OF THE BREAKAWAY WALL. >> Stephen: WHY DOES NO ONE
READ LABELS AROUND HERE? >> IT'S HALF A SECOND TO
SHOWTIME. >> Stephen: HALF A SECOND?
TIME FLIES. QUICK!
DANIELS, TAKE THIS BODY, DUMP IT IN A HOLE AND COVER IT WITH LYE.
>> YES, SIR. >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
DREAM FACTORY, GENTLEMEN. I'VE GOT A SHOW TO SAVE!
[GROANS] >> [SHOUTING]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪ >> [CHEERING]
♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!