LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS.
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
OF COURSE TOMORROW IS ANOTHER BIG PRIMARY DAY.
WITH DEMOCRATS IN SIX STATES GOING TO THE POLLS TO PICK THEIR
FAVORITE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
57BD ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, JOE BIDEN COULD EFFECTIVELY LOCK UP
THE NOMINATION WITH A WIN OVER BERNIE SANDERS IN MICHIGAN.
BUT BERN'S NOT GOING TO GO QUIETLY.
I MEAN THAT ISN'T A SHOCK, HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING QUIETLY.
(LAUGHTER) BUT HE'S NOT, DEMOCRATIC
INSIDERS SAY JOE BIDEN CAN EFFECTIVELY END THE PRIMARY WITH
A WIN IN MICHIGAN.
WHEN HE HEARD THAT, BIDEN SAID I'M ON IT AND HEADED STRAIGHT TO
MONTANA.
MEANWHILE TENSION BETWEEN THE THE TWO CANDIDATES IS HIGH.
THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN HAS ACCUSED JOE BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN OF
TRYING TO CHANGE THE UPCOMING DEBATE FORE MAT FROM A STANDING
DEBATE TO A SEATED ONE.
NEVER A GREAT SIGN WHEN THE TOP TWO DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES ARE ARGUING OVER WHICH ONE OF THEM IS YOUNG AND
VIBRANT ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR TWO HOURS.
BUT THIS IS A HUGE BLOW TO BERNIE SANDERS.
AS WE ALL KNOW, HE WAVES HIS ARMS CONSTANTLY WHEN HE TALKS.
BUT IF YOU DO THAT WHEN ARE YOU SITTING DOWN IT JUST LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE ON A ROLLER COASTER.
MEDICARE FOR ALL!
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS ANOTHER MAT IS-- FORE MAT IS THE BEST IDEA.
UNFORTUNATELY WHEN THESE TWO SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER BERNIE AND
BIDEN JUST LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO HECKLE THE MUPPET SHOW.
(LAUGHTER) WHILE ALL OF THIS IS GOING ON
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS HAD HIS HANDS FULL DEALING WITH THE
CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK.
ON FRIDAY HE WAS TOURING THE CENTERS FOR DEASE CONTROL IN
ATLANTA WHERE HE WAITED-- WASTED NO TIME FOCUSING ONTHE ISSUE AT
HAND.
I'M KIDDING.
HE IMMEDIATELY STARTED BRAGGING.
>> I REALLY GET IT.
THEY'RE SURPRISED I UNDERSTAND IT EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS
SAY HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS, MAYBE I HAVE A
NATURAL ABILITY.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
>> James: NOW YOU THINK OF THAT?
NOW YOU THINK OF-- ALTHOUGH THE PHRASE PEOPLE ARE REALLY
SURPRISED, I UNDERSTAND THIS STUFF, CAN APPLY TO PRETTY MUCH
ANYTHING DONALD TRUMP HAS THE ABILITY TO GRASP.
TRUMP SAYS HE HAS A NATURAL ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE
CORONAVIRUS.
WELL, LET'S SEE, NOBODY LIKES IT IT.
HALF THE WORLD IS AFRAID OF IT IT.
ICAN SEE WHY HE CAN RELATE.
I WANT TO GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY IT'S PROBABLY JUST
EASIER FOR THE DOCTORS TO SAY HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT
THIS, THAN IT IS FOR THEM TO KEEP GOING NO, SIR, IT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH MEXICAN BEER.
(LAUGHTER) IN A RELATED STORY, APPARENTLY
SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO PROTECT THEMSELVES THEMSELVES FR
BY CREATING THEIR OWN HOMEMADE HAND SANITIZER OUT OF LIQUOR.
IN RESPONSE THE VODKA BRANDERS TITOS WENT TO TWIT TORE TELL
PEOPLE THAT ITS VODKA IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL GERMS.
OF COURSE NOT.
IF VODKA WAS A SANITIZER EVERY MEMBER OF OUR BABD WOULD LIVE
FOREVER.
TITOS SAYS THE VODKA ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL GERMS,
IT'S JUST STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU FORGET THAT THIS GUY IS IN
CLARG OF KEEPING ALL OF US HEALTHY.
AND FINALLY A SEMITRUCK IN AUSTRALIA CARRYING HUNDREDS OF
ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER ACCIDENTALLY CAUGHT ON FIRE,
RESULTING IN THE TOILET PAPER SHIPMENT BURNING FOR FOUR HOURS.
HONESTLY, I JUST THINK THE TOILET PAPER FOUND OUT WHAT WAS
GOING TO HAPPEN TO IT AND WAS LIKE-- THEY'RE LIKE GUYS, HE GOT
TO SET OURSELVES ON FIRE!
(APPLAUSE) A SEMITRAILER FULL OF TOILET
PAPER ERUPTED INTO FLAMES ON A HIGHWAY.
IT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE UP UNTIL THEN THE TOILET PAPER WAS REALLY
ON A ROLL.
THANK YOU.
DON'T CLAP BECAUSE WE'VE GOT LIKE A HUNDRED OF THEM.
A FOUR-HOUR TOILET PAPER FIRE.
IF THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ALSO DEL TACO'S NEW
ADVERTISING SLOGAN.