'Now is the time for the ceremony of possession.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I don’t like that man, he means trouble’
This week we’re addressing one of the big questions of bad moviedom;
which is better, Yor...
‘I am Yor the Hunter’
or Gor...
‘You’ve come to a land called Gor’
First things first; which is which?
Well Yor Hunter from the Future is the 1980s Italian sword and sandal film,
starring Big McLargehuge himself Reb Brown, hang-gliding on a dinosaur.
And Gor is the 1980s Italian sword and sandal film starring Oliver Reed, yelling in tiara.
'High priest, why did you come so far yo see me? Ha ha ha'
But which is better? Yor opens on action.
How did this guy not play He Man?
The title character saves some people from a stegosaurus.
Before creeping them all out.
‘Drink. Drink it’
But there’s something about Yor that goes beyond his drinking problem.
‘Why is Yor different from other men?'
I think it’s just diet and exercise, you’re reading too much into it.
‘What a strange thing. What is it?’
He does also have this weird medallion and after his adopted tribe is wiped out by bad guys,
he sets out to find where he came from.
‘Am I the son of fire with no mother or father?’
Yeah, that’s probably it. He takes with him the beautiful Kalaa.
and father figure, Pak.
‘The beast of the night’
Surviving sandpeople.
He finds a back-up beautiful girl with a medallion like his.
'And they worship me like a Goddess.'
‘But now you’re living proof that we represent a race’
I’m not sure jewelry is a major component of genetics. But this causes other problems.
'Yor!'
Awkward. But Pak has the solution.
‘Among our people a man can have 2 wives. Why can’t Yor have two?’
Kalaa has a different idea.
'One of us must die.'
While they’re scrapping they are attacked, and…
You see, this is why you have a back-up, and Yor is quick to secure another.
‘She will be your mate’
'Take me with you stranger.'
Back off bitch or I’ll settle your hash like I did the last girl.
At this village, the friends make a momentous discovery.
‘Now all that remains of him and his fiery bird is a strange object’
This would be quite a shock, were the film not subtitled Hunter from the Future.
'Search unit 6 to patrol leader.'
From here on, as you can imagine, it is a little heavy on explanatory plot.
‘I’m your friend and this is the land you left as a child’
and the robots?
‘They are the androids of the Overlord’
Overlord?
‘I am the overlord’
Pretty typical bad guy, very typical bad guy,
'I will allow the poor fool to know the secret of his existence.'
very typical bad guy,
'His main intent is unquestionably to do evil.'
and he’s not subtle about it.
‘and give them the welcome they deserve’
And of course the good guys win.
Onto Gor, which starts in the present.
'Yeah laugh if you will.'
Following a magic car accident.
College lecturer Tarl Cabot wakes up in a desert,
‘Where the hell am I?’
He sees a brutal battle,
the theft of a magical artefact,
'The home stone is now my fathers'
and accidentally kills someone,
and his response...
'Are you friends of Norman?'
This has Norman written all over it, I remember this one time he reconstructed the lost city of Atlantis; boy was my face red.
‘I want them all killed’
But bad news; the man he killed is the son of warlord Sarm and he wants Cabot found.
‘And until he is one hundred people – men, women and children – will be tortured’
There’s only one thing any decent human being could do,
‘We must train him’
We have trained warriors of our own
but we’ll waste time training this numb-nuts while men, women and children are tortured
and the enemy conspicuously fails to search for us,
‘You learn very quickly’
He bloody better.
Even once they set out on their quest with warrior woman Talena,
they still find time to stop at a strip club.
Gor has some of the least heroic heroes ever;
they encounter slavers.
Now they’re on a quest so I’m not saying they definitely should rescue them –
although there don’t look to be many guards – however…
'Lets go.'
they hitch a lift in the wagons the slaves are pulling,
bit of extra weight won’t hurt you.
In a cave they find a woman strung up by her hands.
‘She is a victim of Darkosis, a disease that kills many’
Are you going to cut her down.
‘Hopefully her agony will be short lived’
She’ll die soon, it’s not worth the effort of helping.
‘Oh poo, I can’t help anyone’
I was pretty glad they’re captured as soon as they arrive.
So Sarm finally has the man who killed his son and can enact his revenge.
‘I am sure she ill please you’
A unique form of vengeance that involves offering him sex,
'I am only a pleasure slave.'
a woman to mutilate.
‘Brand her’
But…
It’s Talena. Can’t I brand someone else.
Pretty dumb to give him a weapon.
‘How quickly he adapts to the ways of our world’
These films have one clear issue in common;
unnecessary heroes,
‘Alright’
In Yor, the resistance against the Overlord has people,
'There's no need to be afraid, I'm a friend.'
lasers...
undercover operatives,
'The rebels are unmasked.'
and the ability to shut down the android army.
‘You are quite powerless without your army of robots’
and yet have apparently been waiting for the leadership of a nearly naked man
with no idea of how any of this technology works.
Whose only qualification is he’s done a few press-ups.
Similarly the slaves in Gor can’t seem to rise up without the leadership of a nerdy professor
who learnt to fight yesterday and who lets this girl die,
rather than using the bow and arrow with which he saves the guy he knows.
So, both are bad but which is better?
It’s a shame for it to come down to budget but Gor is better made,
it has stars in Oliver Reed and Jack Palance, showing up briefly right at the end to pimp the sequel,
'I've come to guard the home stone.'
'Well, you're a bit late.'
It has better quality fights,
and better quality dance routines.
So, all in all; Yor is better.
‘Yay!’
Partly because Gor is pervy and torture fixated,
not as much as in the books on which it’s based, but still.
Partly because Yor is funny intentionally or not.
‘You’ll command a world of puppets – is that your goal in life?’
‘Yes’
But mostly because of Yor.
‘The blood of your enemy makes you stronger’
He is unnecessary, but I sort of forgive it because
aside from his muscles he’s as dumb as a bag of spanners.
‘Damn talking box!’
which does make the character likeable.
Thanks for watching to see more of our sword and sandal film reviews click here
This is only the second comparison review. we've done between two films. What others should we be looking at?
Let us know in the comments below
'Get out of here I said.'