Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Maricene Crus
I'm very excited to be here with you all today,
and to be talking about this topic, this theme of community.
There are a lot of communities that I belong to,
and I've been thinking a lot about it in preparation for this talk.
I could list off several things.
I thought about telling you all the types of communities I belong to,
like Harry Potter lovers and Game of Thrones lovers.
There are lots of things that I feel connected to.
One community that I am a part of is a community of survivors.
A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted,
and over the past year, I've been learning how to share that story,
after about two years
of very intentionally never sharing it with anyone, ever.
I'm not going to go into a lot of detail today about the story,
except to say that it is a community that I belong to,
and it's part of what brings me to the work that I do now.
I work for Green Dot, as was said.
We're a nonprofit organization,
and it's a strategy that aims to reduce power-based, personal violence,
things like sexual assault and domestic violence and stalking.
And when I think about all those issues, I have a lot of connections to them.
There are a lot of people in my life who've been impacted,
friends, family members.
But probably, the biggest connection is my own assault.
A few years ago, I was raped by another man,
and it was violent and traumatic,
and it messed me up for a long time.
And I think part of the reason it messed me up so much
is because I had no frame of reference for it.
I had never heard a story like mine before.
I had never heard stories of men as victims,
stories of same-sex assault,
and so I didn't know how to process it and I didn't know how to cope.
And so, I just shut everyone out of my life,
and I just struggled internally with depression
and shame and guilt and confusion and so many feelings.
It took a long time to heal, it took a long time to begin to heal,
it took a long time to begin to figure out how to talk about this story
or to even see the value in sharing it.
But what I want to talk about today, with this theme of community,
is how can we think about community
through the lens of the shared responsibility we have
for keeping our communities safe from interpersonal violence?
And not just in considering bystander intervention,
but in considering the real obstacles
that can make it hard sometimes for us to step in.
Even though I had been directly impacted by violence,
there was another time in my life
when I could've stepped in on behalf of someone else,
and I didn't.
That's what I want to talk about today, the times we don't act.
That time for me is something I've thought about a lot,
and I've had a lot of guilt and shame over,
but when I first was exposed to some of the elements of Green Dot,
I started to understand that story in a different light.
There are some real things
that can make it hard for us to intervene sometimes.
There are a lot of elements to Green Dot we could talk about,
a lot of parts of their strategy,
but the one part I want to focus in on as it relates to our theme
is the idea of barriers
and the fact that even when we're good people,
and even when we see something concerning,
there can be things within our control, outside of our control,
there can be a whole lot of things that can make it hard for us to step in,
things that can make it hard for us to act
and at the very least cause us to question ourselves or the situation
or hesitate, right?
So, to highlight just three of those categories of barriers we talk about -
There are three barriers, three types of barriers.
The first barrier is personal.
Personal barriers are the things that are about us and our experiences,
and this kind of connects to my own story too.
Personal barriers may be, like, your personality.
Maybe you're just more shy,
or you hate confrontation.
Anyone hate confrontation?
You'll do it if you have to, but if there's any way to avoid it,
you'll want to get out of that confrontation thing.
That shyness could be a personal barrier for you,
if you feel like the only way to step in
is to have a direct confrontation with someone.
Maybe it's your size: you're a smaller person
and there's a real fear for your safety if you intervene.
Or even the opposite.
One time, I was at a base and I had a guy who was a big dude.
Like, he was just really buff and "mascular," a little bit.
And "mascular"? That was like "masculine" and "muscular."
That's how buff this dude was. He was "mascular."
(Laughter)
And he was a little bit intimidating,
but he said when he wants to intervene in a situation,
what he does is he stands up
and he looks at them.
(Laughter)
Just the look, and that will do it.
For some reason, that doesn't work for me in the same way.
(Laughter)
But he said that that was also a little bit of a barrier for him
because he said his size was so intimidating
that he knew, as soon as he steps in the situation,
even if he was just checking in,
it's immediately going to escalate, people are going to want to fight, right?
So, your personal characteristics, your personality, your fears,
any of those things about yourself could be personal barriers
that could create obstacles and make it hard to intervene.
Personal is one category of barriers.
A second is relationship.
If personal barriers is about us,
then relationship barriers is about everyone else in our life.
How are they going to respond to my intervention?
Are they going to have my back?
Are they going to think I went too far?
That I crossed the line, I didn't mind my own business,
I broke an unwritten code?
Maybe I'm just uncomfortable calling my buddy out on his marriage
because that's a very personal thing,
and I was taught in my family and in my culture
you don't get involved in other people's business, right?
Anything that could have a potential relationship cost
can be relationship barriers.
They can make it hard for us to intervene in a situation.
Personal barriers is about us,
relationship barriers is about other folks around us,
and a third kind is organizational.
There are organizational barriers within your workplace,
within the Air Force,
structural things that can create obstacles,
that can make it harder for you to act or feel like you should act;
things like rank, fear of reprisal,
not wanting to impact your career or someone else's career,
thinking about performance evaluations and promotion opportunities, right?
Maybe you just don't want to create tension in the workplace,
with the people you're going to have to see every day.
Like, "If I report this person and then I have to be around them all the time,
I don't want to do that."
There are a lot of things that could be organizational or structural
that could make me think, "I can't do this."
Or, "I don't want to do this." Or, "Someone else will do this."
"It's not that bad, it's not my job. Someone else will handle it."
The point is, whatever kind of situation we see,
there are lots of types of barriers we could bump up against.
They could make us think, "You know, I don't think I can do this,"
or, "Someone else will do it."
Maybe there are times you can think of when you saw something concerning,
and you didn't do anything about it.
I mentioned already I have a story like that.
And starting to understand a bit of this strategy about types of barriers
and the reasoning for them
has helped me to sort of process and think back on that event.
Just to tell you briefly,
I was with a bunch of friends one night,
and I just left them - we had dinner - and I started walking home alone.
And I was in this downtown area, walking alone at night,
and I walked past a fight that was happening.
It was one guy getting beaten up pretty badly by two other guys
who were yelling gay slurs at him.
Immediately, I knew this was a problem.
Immediately, I knew that this guy was in trouble.
And yet,
when I looked at them,
what I really saw was my own experience, my own assault,
and it was triggering for me.
And even though I'm a good person,
and even though I knew this person needed my help,
I froze.
I just stood there.
I couldn't walk away nor walk toward them,
so I just stood right where I was.
Eventually, some other people came up and they helped,
and the guy was okay but not because of anything that I did.
Maybe if I'd been there long enough,
eventually I'd have thought of something else to do,
but in real time, in real life, I didn't.
I hit up against the personal barrier of my own experience,
that filtered the way I saw the situation
and what I felt like I could realistically do in that moment.
I hit a barrier, and I couldn't figure out how to get around it.
Barriers are real,
and pretending that they're not
or saying people just have to push through and do it anyways
hasn't worked in reducing violence.
So what if, instead, we thought about what can we learn from the barriers,
and how can we start to get around them?
Maybe you're someone who feels like you don't have a lot of barriers,
like you can directly talk to anyone, any time.
Maybe you're that "mascular" dude who can just give people looks.
You have no trouble speaking to someone in any situation.
But maybe that changes for you if your kids are with you,
or if in that moment you're responsible for someone else's safety.
Maybe that changes what you prioritize or how you hesitate
or what you feel like is possible in that moment, right?
So, barriers may be contextual,
and maybe you don't have the same barriers now that you did years ago,
but whatever your barriers are, they'll probably not just magically go away.
If you identify that being shy is a barrier for you,
just because you identify that
doesn't mean all of a sudden you're not shy anymore.
Or that rank is a barrier.
Just because you identify that doesn't mean rank doesn't exist anymore.
So instead of saying we have to get rid of our barriers,
and we have to just break them down and push through and do it anyways,
that's not realistic.
Instead of saying you have to get rid of your barriers,
what if we thought about how can you get around them?
What are the strategies for acting in spite of your barriers, right?
What is something that you can do even while you hate confrontation,
even while your kids are with you,
even while you're thinking about impacting someone's career?
What are those options for still intervening?
That's what we call the Three Ds:
strategies for getting around barriers,
strategies for still taking some sort of action,
despite the things that can make it hard.
The three Ds are "direct," "delegate" and "distract."
"Direct" is a lot like it sounds,
you're just directly involving yourself in a situation.
It can be confrontational, like physically separating people,
or saying, like, "You need to back off, you need to cool down."
It could be non-confrontational, just checking in on someone,
"Is everything OK?
I've been noticing this thing and I'm kind of worried."
Whatever it is, you are directly involving yourself.
That is one strategy.
It's not always the best option for every person or every situation.
"Direct" is one strategy.
A second strategy is "delegate,"
and "delegate" is just about getting other people involved.
So it can be delegating to someone in a position of authority,
to the appropriate agencies on base,
to your supervisor, to cops, to a bartender, to a chaplain,
just getting other people involved.
It doesn't even have to be anyone in authority,
it can be a friend.
We probably all have that one friend; they'll say anything to anyone,
that does not care what anybody thinks about it.
Some of you are that friend, you're pointing at each other.
You probably have that friend. I have, I'll just tell you.
His name is Michael.
Michael will say anything to anyone!
He doesn't care what anybody thinks about it, and I love it!
Ah, I love it so much because I use it to my advantage.
I get him to say the things that I want to be said,
but don't want to deal with the consequences for.
It's a good strategy.
So I know with Michael all I have to do is just aim him in the right direction,
and he's off and he'll handle it!
So maybe you have a Michael that you could delegate to, right?
"Delegate" can be a power-in-numbers thing,
"Let's handle this together. You talk to that person, I'll talk to this one."
The point is you're just getting other people involved, right?
So "direct," you're directly doing something.
"Delegate," you're getting other folks to do something.
And then, the third strategy is "distract,"
which is about moving the focus away from what's happening,
long enough to break the tension,
to de-escalate, to defuse a situation,
or just to give you enough time to get someone to safety.
One of my favorite stories of someone using a "distract"
is one that a colleague of mine told me,
that a participant -
had actually done after being through one of our trainings.
So, he was at a house party.
And he's at a house party with a bunch of his friends,
just kind of drinking and having a good time.
But he noticed that there was a woman there who was really, really intoxicated,
and that another guy at the party was leading her away from her friends,
back toward a bedroom.
And he just knew right then that this is not okay.
But the guy was his friend too.
They were all hanging out together,
all friends just having a good time, drinking.
So what did not feel realistic to him in that moment
was having a big, heated drunken discussion with his friends
about appropriate conduct and consent.
It wasn't reasonable at that time.
But what did feel realistic is what he did do,
which is kind of amazing.
He yelled out to the guy
and told him that his car was getting towed,
which was a total lie, it was complete BS,
but the guy had to, like, run outside, and he went to go check on his car!
And in that time that he was gone,
the other guy was able to get the woman back to her friends,
who then got her back home safely.
The guy comes back in and says, "My car wasn't getting towed."
"Oh, my bad. Sorry.
Someone said it was. Let's play beer pong."
Right? Nothing happened. There was no confrontation!
So sometimes a "distract" may be a good option too,
where you just interrupt the situation
and try to stop that bad thing from happening, right?
So, you can just randomly, like, interject yourself into a situation.
If you see someone's taking someone home, say, "Great, I need a ride too,"
and just hop in, be that awkward third wheel.
Accidentally spill your drink
and just make a really dramatic scene of it, if you want.
Set off your car alarm, ask to borrow someone's phone,
whatever it can be.
You don't even have to directly acknowledge
this thing that you're seeing might be bad.
You just get to still try to intervene.
So the point is, no matter what situation you may come across
or what kind of barriers you may feel,
there are lots and lots of options for intervening.
Barriers are real,
and if we pretend they're not,
we're not having a meaningful discussion about bystander intervention.
If we want to meaningfully talk about what it takes
to empower and equip bystanders
to step in for the people in their community,
then we have to acknowledge what makes it hard
and figure out what we can do, what we can learn about that.
And the three Ds, there's no one-size-fits-all solution.
You're all different people,
with different experiences and personalities,
but the three Ds give you a toolkit of options
that you get to pick and choose from
and in that moment decide what feels most realistic for you.
This idea of community is so important!
We live in community with one another,
and we want our community, our people, to be safe.
So we each have a role to play in that.
Nobody has to do everything,
but everyone can do something.
Thank you all so much.
(Applause)