According to the National Assessment of Educational
Progress, US students have suffered a record drop
in their math scores.
Now many experts say that the two years of COVID disruptions
are to blame for this.
But in my opinion, everyone would
do better if the smart kids would just
stop hiding their answers.
Yeah!
Loosen up, Angela.
We get it.
You study.
Open it up.
And I know. I know.
I know this is distressing news for all the parents out there.
But just remember, this is the best time to cheat your kids
out of their allowance.
They won't know the difference.
Yeah, 5 plus 2.
Yeah, that's what you get.
That's 10.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, officials are coming under
fire after it came out that a new public toilet that is
being [laughs] built in a popular tourist spot will
cost the city $1.7 million--
a single public toilet.
Yeah, now, before you complain, remember, this toilet is
going to be top of the line.
The seat will come pre peed on.
And the graffiti on the walls will be
written by George RR Martin.
Wow!
Oh, in sports news, the Houston Astros
swept the Yankees to win a spot in the World Series.
And attending the game-- oh, you're
going to save those boos because attending
the game in New York was Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
[booing]
Yeah, who was greeted by Yankee fans just like that.
[laughter]
Yeah, there were a lot of boos, a lot
of extended middle fingers, which at this point, people,
why does anyone bother?
Ted Cruz sees those so often.
He may not even be offended, right?
He might just think that's how people wave now.
Just like, hi.
Hello, how are you?
Hello.
Hi, Ted Cruz.
All right, let's move on to some of the biggest
stories of the day.
You know, with food prices going up, gas prices going up,
and war crippling Europe, it may
be easy to get distracted by short-term problems
and lose sight of the long-term problems that will actually
kill us all, which is why climate
activists are going to extreme measures to get our attention.
REPORTER: Another act of food-infused art
vandalism, this time with mashed potatoes.
That's right.
Climate change activists tossed potatoes onto a Claude Monet
painting at a German museum.
Look at this.
Officials there say the painting--
it wasn't damaged and that it's covered by glass.
Last week, activists threw tomato soup
onto Vincent van Gogh's Sunflowers at the National
Gallery in London.
There was some minor damage to the frame,
but the painting was unharmed.
And in both cases, activists then
glued their hands to the wall.
Yeah, increasingly, around the world,
climate change activists are vandalizing
famous art to bring attention to climate change.
First, they splashed food on a van Gogh, now a Monet.
They also hit a Jackson Pollock, but no one noticed.
[laughter]
And as much as I agree with the message,
I don't know if a museum is the right place to do this.
Because think about it.
If you protest in the streets, everyone knows it's a protest.
But if anything happens in a museum,
half the people are just going to think it's part of the art.
You know?
Yeah, you could be in front of a painting going,
I'm having a heart attack!
They'd be like, ah, very powerful, very powerful.
No, help me!
Ah, yes, the cry for help we all feel in the modern world.
Bravo, bravo.
Also, I feel like at this point,
the problem with climate change isn't a lack of awareness.
Right?
It's more the fact that a ton of people
just don't give a shit.
And I stand to be corrected.
But I just don't think that those people
who don't care about climate change care about fancy art.
You know?
I doubt your MAGA uncle is going to be like, no,
not Monet's Water Lilies!
No!
All right, you win.
You can tax carbon.
I agree with you.
If anything, these protests might
bring more publicity to the art than to climate change.
Yeah, like, you tell me, when was the last time
you thought about Monet?
And sex dreams don't count.
[laughter]
Like, if I was a painting in a museum right now,
I would be begging--
I'd be begging to get some food thrown on me.
[laughter]
Oh, look, look.
Someone's walking up to us right now
with a giant bowl of pudding.
This could be our big break.
Oh, the pudding is-- oh, no, wait.
They're just eating it.
Oh.
What the hell, man?
Weird snack to bring to a museum.
Oh, come on, people.
I want to go viral.
Somebody, throw some food at me.
You know who I hate?
The polar bears!
I hate them, bunch of Coke-drinking losers.
They deserve to die!
Nothing?
All right, forget it.
I guess back to staring at people's butts all day.
Oh, that's a nice butt. Look at that one.
Look at that one.
Oh.
All right.
Let's make like America's money and move on to China.
Over the last decade, Xi Jinping
has gradually taken full control of the Chinese
Communist Party.
He's put his people in all of the top positions.
He's pushed out all of his top rivals.
And he is the sole owner of the password for the country's
Netflix account.
Yeah, so no one in China can watch Dahmer without him.
He's like, no, don't watch without me!
That's one of our shows together.
They're like, these are all our shows together!
We're communists!
Anyway-- anyway, over the weekend,
President Xi was formally reupped as communist leader
of the party, right?
That's what he was-- for an unprecedented third term,
which means he will rule over the nation
of 1.4 billion people for at least another five years.
And if anyone doubts on how powerful Xi Jinping
has become, just look at how he treated
China's previous leader.
China's leader, Xi Jinping, is beginning
an historic third term in office
after being anointed again as the head of the country's
Communist Party.
But there was an unexpected twist
in the normally highly-choreographed Chinese
national Congress over the weekend, when his predecessor
was escorted off the stage.
REPORTER: Two aides appear to remove
Xi Jinping's predecessor, Hu Jintao, from the front row.
Hu appears confused, even to resist,
while Xi Jinping shows zero sympathy.
Was the 79-year-old Hu unwell?
Or was it some kind of political power play?
We'll probably never know as the incident
has already been scrubbed from Chinese TV and social media.
God damn.
Yeah, scrubbed from social media and TV,
and did you see that?
They picked that old man out and just escorted him.
They just escorted him out like he was Kanye at a bar mitzvah.
[laughter]
And did you see Xi Jinping?
What's even wilder, he's just sitting there
like he can't do anything.
Like, the old man taps him like,
hey, Xi, you going to do--
he's the most powerful person in China.
And he's like, sorry, there-- there must
be some rule or something.
I'm new here. I don't know.
I can't help you.
I-- I can't do anything.
I don't even know what this means.
Was it supposed to send a message?
Was it not?
Because if it did, I don't think it worked because nobody
knows what happened, right?
They either took this guy away as some kind of power grab
or because he just had one too many Island iced teas.
We don't know, right?
Who knows?
I mean, I guess we do know that it didn't go according to plan
because they scrubbed all the video of it from the internet.
They wouldn't do that if they wanted people to see it.
It's like your browser history.
Yeah, nobody's clearing it because they
donated to charity.
You know, no one's like, I can't let my wife
see what a good person I am.
I can't!
So, yeah, this is a weird, opaque story that
has left everyone guessing.
And I guess the only question I have is,
can we hire those guys for whenever Joe Biden
starts rambling in a speech?
Can we?
Just to bring them in, he's like, (IMITATING BIDEN)
I passed a student bill debt with 50 and 100,000
and 56,000 and 150--
OK, sir, come on with us.
Come on.
Let's take him to where we hide Kamala.
Come on. Let's go.
[applause]
All right, finally, let's move on from China to a country
where the leadership situation is a little less secure,
Great Britain.
Last week, Liz Truss announced after just
44 days in office she would be stepping
down as prime minister.
So she could move on to becoming that person who
everyone recognizes, but they can't
quite remember from where.
Like, did we go to high school--
oh!
You were the prime minister!
Oh, so sorry about that.
Anyway, can I have two large popcorns, please, and--
Anyway, Liz Truss is gone.
And it looks like the UK's got a brand new man.
We begin in the United Kingdom, which
is about to get its third prime minister
in less than two months.
Just a short time ago, the ruling Conservative Party
announced that former Finance Minister Rishi
Sunak won the race to become party
leader and prime minister.
REPORTER: Rishi Sunak will become this country's
first ever prime minister of color, first
ever Asian prime minister, and first
ever Hindu prime minister.
REPORTER: Rishi Sunak-- not only the first person
of color to walk through 10 Downing, also the youngest
prime minister here in about two centuries, really
a historic day.
REPORTER: A former investment banker, he and his wife
are reported to be among the country's richest people.
It is the greatest privilege of my life
to be able to serve the party I love
and give back to the country I owe so much to.
Yeah, that's right.
The UK's new prime minister is former Finance
Minister Rishi Sunak.
And he's Indian.
He's Hindu.
And he's only 42 years old, which
means he will probably serve well into his 42
and a halves easily.
[laughter]
And let's not forget--
[applause]
Let's not forget another important first.
He's also the first prime minister
who's an absolute snack.
Yeah.
Oh, look at you, Rishi.
And before you're thinking, oh, is he,
don't forget who came before.
Don't forget.
We're moving on up.
[cheering]
Now, of course-- of course, not everyone in the UK
is happy about Rishi Sunak taking the top spot
and making history.
And it's not because of his policies
or because of his personality.
No, there are some people who have a problem with something
else, as this caller to a British radio show
so eloquently explained.
Is the real problem here, Jerry,
that Rishi Sunak is a Brown man,
and you don't trust him at the top of this country?
Yeah.
Yeah, this guy has a good point.
Can you imagine if white English people
wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them?
Oh, that would never happen.
Can you imagine that world?
What would that world be like?
[cheering]
[laughs] Now you know what's so funny to me?
It's funny how racists always say,
oh, colonization was fine.
It was business-- until they feel
like they're being colonized.
Then all of a sudden, it's like, something
needs to be done!
Something needs to be done!
Not even being colonized-- the guy is British.
What's wrong with you?
And if you ask me, British racists are looking
at this whole thing all wrong.
This could be a good thing for you people.
After 400 years, you'll finally get
to legitimately blame a Brown person
for your country's problems.
You're living your dreams!
Wake up!
[applause]
I mean, there is a part of me--
there's a part of me that feels a little
bad for England's racists.
No, because remember-- remember,
they voted for Brexit specifically
to keep Britain white.
And that vote started a seven-year chain
of dominoes that has now led directly
to an Indian Prime Minister.
[cheering]
Oh, man.
Yeah, they're probably like, (BRITISH ACCENT)
oh, this is certainly a rich irony at my expense, isn't it?
Yeah.
And here's the thing.
Keep in mind, this caller even says that he is Tory.
So this is the same party as Rishi Sunak,
right, which means they probably agree
on all the same policies.
He just doesn't like that he's not white,
which I don't understand.
I truly don't understand.
What are you scared of? Huh?
What is this caller scared of?
Does he think Sunak is going to walk up
to the podium on his first day in office
and be like, (BRITISH ACCENT) it is the greatest privilege
of my life to be able to give back to the country I
owe so much to.
And to show my gratitude, I just
want to say, (INDIAN ACCENT) I'm selling
the entire country to India!
That's right.
Revenge time, you bastards.
This was the plan the whole time.
Happy Diwali, mother bitches!
[laughter]
It's not going to happen, you racists.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
Before we go to break, it's time
to check in on all the latest social media trends
with our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody!
[cheering]
Hey, Trevor, all right.
Let's see what's blowing up social media today.
We got Taylor Swift, anti-Semitism,
Tom Brady, the usual.
But what's lighting social media in England up right now
is the new prime minister of the week, Rishi Sunak.
And I know everyone is really excited
that this is the first Asian prime minister.
But let's be clear.
Indians are not Asians, OK?
OK?
They're still people, great people.
They're just not Asian people, OK?
No, no, no.
Answer me this.
If this guy is Asian, how come when he became prime minister,
I felt absolutely nothing?
[laughter]
I mean, when I was down at Dim Sum Palace this morning, me
and the fellas weren't like, oh, shit, that's me up there!
I feel seen.
I love how Indians try to have it both ways,
like, being Indian and Asian.
Pick a lane, OK?
Yeah, I bet if I show up in a Bollywood film,
I'm just going to blend right in, right?
Because we're all just one people,
just having a good time.
Also, speaking of Asians and Indians,
real quick, you mentioned America's
math scores were dropping since COVID or something, right?
I mean, math scores in America were bad before COVID.
How could they get any worse?
Like, the question used to be, what time
did a train leave the station?
Now you got to explain what a [bleep] train is.
But the biggest trending story has got to be the climate
change art protester videos.
And my question is, who the hell is doing
museum security these days?
You see people walking in with two buckets of mashed potatoes
and a high-visibility vest, and you don't
think anything is going on.
Were you caught by surprise?
They're not exactly sneaking around.
I mean, if people show up in high-visibility construction
vest, just keep an eye on them, OK?
Just imagine this Venn diagram.
It's real simple.
In one circle, you've got people
wearing construction vests.
In the other circle, you've got people with no upper body
strength, OK?
Now, when they overlap in the middle there,
those are climate activists.
[cheering]
OK?
Make sure you check every cavity for sloppy joes.
Also, the worst part is this painting
wasn't even expecting it.
At least throw it at a painting that's ready.
I mean, see, this guy knows some bad shit's
about to go down.
All right, what are you even doing?
What?
Throwing guacamole at art isn't going
to change anything, all right?
The only people who care about art
are pretentious douchebags.
Like, check out this tweet I found
online for some random moron, all right?
Look.
Look at this all.
Oh my god.
At the Louvre.
I saw Mona Lisa for the first time.
Is she smiling or not?
It's so powerful.
Everyone should see.
[laughter]
Oh, really?
You think everyone should see the most famous painting ever?
What a great discovery.
I mean, I wonder what else this guy likes.
You like the Beatles, Breaking Bad?
Let me guess.
You gave Oxygen five stars.
I mean, how basic can a bitch get?
Whoever he is.
Back to you, Trevor.
[cheering]
I think that was a great tweet.
Ronny Chieng, everybody.