>> HELLO, HELLO, EVERYONE. HI, CHRIS MATTHEWS
WELCOME, TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M COLIN JOST.
>> WE'RE LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA FOR THE DEMOCRAT GRICHUK
NATIONAL CONVENTION. >> THEY ARE HOLDING IT INSIDE
THE WELLS FARGO ARENA. NOTHING SAID VICTORY LIKE.
>> BARACK OBAMA JUST CRUSHED IT, DUDE.
DID YOU SEE H SEE THAT? >> AMAZING.
TORE IT DOWN. PHYSICALLY, THEY'RE REBUILDING
IT IN THE BACKGROUND. I GOT TO SAY FOR THE DEMES IT'S
BEEN MIXED, GOOD, BAD. THERE'S BEEN SO MUCH PASSION AND
ENTHUSIASM HERE. BUT MOST OF IT WAS FOR THE GUY
WHO LOST. TIM KAINE IS FLUNTD IN SPANISH.
ONLY PROBLEM IS HE'S WHITER THAN ME.
ONE DOWN SIDE. >> IT'S A TIE.
>> YOU HAD THIS MOMENT WHERE BILL CLINTON GAVE A SPEECH AND
HUMAN ANIZED HILLARY. HE MADE HER LOOK LIKE A FULL
HUMAN BEING. >> HE DID.
>> RIGHT AFTER THAT SHE APPEARED ON SATELLITE LIKE SOME KIND OF
BOND VILLAIN. LOOKS LIKE KIM YONG CLINTON.
>> EITHER MEET MY DEMANDS OR I'LL BLOW UP MOUNT RUSHMORE.
YOU CAN TELL HILLARY HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG
BECAUSE THAT GLASS BREAKING STING FROM 1983.
>> I WAS IMPRESSED BY THE BERNIE SUPPORTERS.
THEY WERE PASSIONATE. LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE WHITE GIRLS CRYLING.
LOOKS LIKE DAVE MATTHEWS JUST PLAYED "CRASH INTO ME."
WHAT DO THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF BERNIE SANDERS DOESN'T GET TO
BE PRESIDENT. YOU STILL GET TO BE WHITES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, IF THE MEXICANS LEAVE THEY'RE GOING TO
TAKE THE TACK OATHS WITH THEM. >> IT'S A PROMISE.
WHITE GIRLS GET TO KEEP THE TACOS.
I JUST LIKE THAT THEY THOUGHT THAT BERNIE'S SUPPORT -- BERNIE
WOULD CALM HIS DELEGATES DOWN. YOU'VE EVER HEARD BERNIE'S VOICE
AND FELT CALM. NOTHING CALMS PEOPLE LIKE A
SCREAMING OLD JEWISH DUDE. HE WASN'T CALMING THEM.
HE WAS RILING THEM UP AND HANDING THEM OVER TO HILLARY.
IT'S LIKE YOU SHOW UP AT YOUR FRIEND'S BARBECUE, KICK A
HORNEST NEST AND SAY GOODBYE. GOOD LUCK WITH THE BEES.
>> THEY THOUGHT HE WAS A SOCIALIST.
>> YEAH. >> WHAT DID HE THINK THEY WERE
GOING TO DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT BERNIE IS A SOCIALIST.
>> AND BILL CLINTON, OBVIOUSLY A BIG MOMENT, GAVE THAT MOVING
SPEECH, GAVE THE WHOLE STORY OF HOW HE FELL IN LOVE WITH
HILLARY. IT WAS SORT OF LIKE THE NOTEBOOK
BUT IF RYAN GOSLING HAD RIPPED OUT ALL THOSE PAGES ABOUT HOW HE
HAD AN INTERN WITH AN INTERN. JUST A FEW PAGES.
IT CONTAINS PERHAPS THE STRANGEST DETAIL OF ANY SPEECH
THIS WEEK. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> THERE TRUTH IS WE RARELY DISAGREED ON PARENTING, ALTHOUGH
SHE DID BELIEVE THAT I HAD GONE A LITTLE OVER THE TOP WHEN I
TOOK A COUPLE OF DAYS OFF WITH CHELSEA TO WATCH ALL SIX POLICE
ACADEMY MOVIES BACK TO BACK. >> YOU WATCHED ALL SIX POLICE
ACADEMIES? EVEN STEVE GOTTENBURG QUIT AFTER
FOUR. ALSO, IF YOU WATCH ALL SIX OF
THEM IN A ROW, YOU DEFINITELY INHALED.
>> IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THIS WAS PRENETFLIX.
>> PRENET FELIX. HE HAD TO GO TO THE STORE AND
BUY THEM. >> THAT'S LIKE FIVE POUNDS OF
VIDEOTAPES. YOU KNOW AT LEAST FIVE POUNDS.
PROBABLY SIX, BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE PICKED UP A PORNO.
>> CHELSEA WAITED IN THE FRONT. >> LET ME GET THESE SEVEN BUT
PUT THIS IN A SPECIAL OPAQUE BAG.
GOT MY LITTLE GIRL WITH ME. SPEAKING OF SPOUSES, MICHELLE
OBAMA GAVE -- >> GREAT TRANSITION.
>> MICHELLE OBAMA GAVE A TOUCHING SPEECH ABILITY HOW HER
DAUGHTERS WERE ACTUALLY RAISED IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHICH WAS
BUILT BY SLAVES AND RIGHT ON QUEUE BILL O'RILEY OFFERED UP
SOME CLARITY. LET'S PLAY THAT.
>> SLAVES THAT WORKED THERE WERE WELL FED AND HAD DECENT LODGINGS
PROVIDED BY THE GOVERNMENT WHICH STOPPED HIRING SLAVE LABOR IN
1802. >> HIRING!
THAT GOES AGAINST THE VERY DEFINITION OF A SLAVE.
YOU SLAVE A SLAVE. YOU DON'T HIRE A SLAVE.
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE HIRED, PHIL.
>> MY NAME IS MUSTAFA. NOT ANYMORE IT AIN'T.
>> HATE TO CRACK THAT WHIP BUT YOU GOT TO GET TO WORK ON THAT
OVAL OFFICE. WHEN YOU GET HUNGARY THERE'S A
SANDWICH IN THE TRASH. MEANWHILE WHITE GIRLS ARE CRYING
BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TACOS.
>> THE WHITE HOUSE. >> IS THAT WHY THEY'RE CRYING SO
MUCH? >> DONALD TRUMP HAD SOME
CRITICISM FROM A DISTANCE. >> HE'S MARRIED, TOO.
>> THAT'S A GOOD TRANSITION. YOU ARE FULL OF THEM.
TRUMP, HE POINTED OUT FIRST -- FIRST HE POINTED OUT THAT THE
DEMOCRATS DIDN'T EVEN MENTION ISIS ONCE.
YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOING TO. THEY'RE DEMOCRATS.
THEY DON'T SAY RADICAL IZ LACHL. THEY DON'T EVEN SIGH PHILLY
PANETT ARVEGS. THE MAN TRUMP CALLED ON THE
RUSSIAN HACKERS BROKE INTO THE SERVER AND HE TOLD THEM TO TRACK
DOWN HILLARY CLINTON'S E-MAILS. TO ME THAT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE
DONALD TRUMP IS TRYING TO HIRE FOREIGN LABEL.
RIGHT? I'M JUST SAYING WON'T YOU BE
TAKING JOBS AWAY FROM HARD WORKING AMERICAN HACKERS?
TOM CRANDALL HARVESTING CREDIT CARD NUMBERS FROM PORN HUB.
OR JOHNNY HACKLESEED. >> YOU'VE BEEN PITCHING
HACKLESIDE FOR TWO SEASONS NOW. YOU FINALLY SNUCK IT IN ON
ANOTHER NETWORK. >> JOE BIDEN CAME OUT TO THE
ROCKY THEME SOUNDING LIKE MICKY. >> LOOK AT HOW CHARGED UP JOE
BIDEN WAS. >> PERFECT.
>> GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND MAY GOD PROTECT OUR TROOPS!
COME ON! >> COME ON!
>> ARRR! >> CAME OUT SWINGING.
PRETTY SURE NOW HE'S ON HIS PULLING AN AMTRAK TRAIN BACK TO
WASHINGTON WITH HIS TEETH. >> AND THEN ROW SETA STONE
SPOKE. J [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> WE GET YOU. YOU SPEAK A LITTLE BIT OF
SPANISH. DON'T KEEP DOING IT.
ALSO YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
POSSIBLY. WHEN WOULD WE EVER NEED YOU TO
DO THAT? >> NO.
>> WHEN WOULD WE EVER NEED EIGHTH GRADE SPANISH SKILLS.
HEY, TIM, CASTRO'S ON THE PHONE, I CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING OF IT.
>> HELLO. OH, SI, SI.
NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN, DUDE. >> DOESN'T THIS CLINTON-CAIN
SOUND LIKE A COP WHO DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES.
>> GET IN HERE, YOU'RE A LOOSE CANON.
[ SPEAKING PLAY SPANISH ] THERE'S A LOT OF PROTESTERS.
THERE'S A LOT OF PROTESTERS. IT WAS HOT.
HUNDRED-DEGREE PROTESTERS. >> YEAH, IT WAS AFRICA HOT.
WE DECIDED TO HELP THEM OUT. >> FREE WATER.
>> COME GET YOUR FREE WATER. >> FREE WATER!
ON THIS HOT 100 DEGREE DAY. FREE WATER FOR EVERYBODY.
>> OH, NO, OH, NO. >> ARE YOU A WATER FAN?
>> HERE'S SOME WATER. >> OH, NO!
OH, MY GOD! I WOULD DIE FIRST.
>> OH, MY GOD, TAKE THE WATER BACK.
>> PEOPLE ON THE FENCE ABOUT WATER, I GUESS.
>> I DEFINITELY AM NOT INTERESTED.
>> WILL YOU TRITE IT? >> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> IF I COME HOME WITH IT THEY WOULDN'T LET NECESSITY IN THE
HOUSE. >> NO THANK YOU.
I'LL WALK AWAY TIRED AND THIRSTY.
>> DON'T LET HATE CHANGE THE WAY YOU HYDRATE.
JESUS TURNED WATER INTO WIND. >> THIS MAKES WATER?
>> WHAT ELSE? >> TODAYLY TASTELESS.
>> MAN, YOU COULDN'T ALMOST TELL YOU WERE ACTING.
>> TRUMP WATER, MAKE WATER GREAT AGAIN.
>> GOD MADE WATER, TRUMP BUTT IT IN BOTTLES.
>> WE PROTESTING AND WE'RE -- >> THIS IS GOOD.
>> HMM. >> SHE'S GUZZLING.
SHE'S GUZZLING. >> IT'S GOOD.
>> IT'S PRETTY GROOVY. >> TRUMP WATER.
>> PRETTY GROOVY. >> WELL, WE REALLY CHANGED SOME
MINDS TODAY AND WE ALSO DIDN'T. >> BACK TO YOU, COLIN AND
MICHAEL. THANKS.
>> I LOVE THAT WOMAN WHO SCREAMED AT THE TRUMP WATER.
>> IT WAS HOT. >> THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
CHECK OUT HILLARY CLINTON WHO'S SPEAKING TOMORROW NIGHT AND I
GUARANTEE YOU ONE THING, IT'S THE LEAST SHE'S EVER BEEN PAID
FOR A SPEECH. HEY!
>> THERE YOU GO. >> BACK TO COVERAGE OF THE
DEMOCRAT IC NATIONAL CONVENTION ON MSNBC WITH OUR BOY CHRIS MATTHEWS
USE. SEE YOU SOON, CHRIS.