- My name is Tien, but my full name is actually Hanhtien
which is spelled H-A-N-H-T-I-E-N.
Remember that.
I once had a teacher in high school,
♪ A white teacher ♪
(audience laughs)
who was reading through roll call.
And I knew she was about to get to my name
'cause she had that like, ethnic pause.
(audience laughs)
And before I could say anything,
she looked at those letters,
H-A-N-H-T-I-E-N, and said out loud,
"Is there a Hank Tina in the room?"
(audience laughs)
"Hank Tina?
"Is there a Hank Tina here?"
That means this grown-ass adult
who's been given the power to mold young minds
looked at those letters, H-A-N-H-T-I-E-N
and thought to herself,
(laughing)
"This unfamiliar to me.
"You know what?
"I'm just gonna combine the nicknames
"of my favorite two American names, Henry and Christina.
"Hank Tina, Hank Tina?"
(audience laughs)
Hank Tina's not a name anywhere.
That's not a name that exists anywhere in the world,
unless you're like the child of progressive parents
from small-town Missouri
and they're like, "Get on out there Hank Tina.
"Come on, scoot.
"Find the gender expression that fits you.
"Scoot, Hank Tina, scoot.
"You love it when I say scoot.
"Scoot, Hank Tina."
(audience laughs)
Hahntien in Vietnamese actually means happy fairy.
And that's why I'm gay, yas!
Yes!
Oh, I made eye contact with him,
but yeah, you can have one too.
Oh, my parents did this to me.
Like a Vietnamese blessing.
(audience laughs)
And you know, as professional homosexual
who's trying to make it in this industry,
it's so exciting that there's like a big, gay movie
that comes out every year.
Like a few years ago, it was "Carol",
"Call Me By Your Name".
This year it was "Joker".
(audience laughs)
It's so, so exciting,
but I also find that it's so frustrating
that straight actors keep winning awards
for playing gay characters
when I have yet to win any awards
for my convincing portrayal
of straight girl who gives hand jobs
all throughout high school and college.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
I was method.
I did not break character once.
Some people said it was brave.
Others said, "Oh, too dry!"
So. (audience laughs)
I'm gonna show you what I think
is some award-winning acting.
And I'd love to have your help right here.
What's the last straight movie you've seen?
That's okay, it had such good dialogue,
you haven't even seen them.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna take a deep breath and fall into character.
You just say action as loud as possible
for every to hear, okay?
- Oh, I can do that.
- Okay, I've already moved on.
Okay.
(audience laughs)
I've like.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay, you got that?
Okay, okay.
This is the first time I gave a hand job.
- Action.
- Okay, too soon.
(audience laughs)
It took me a long time to come out of the closet.
It takes me a second to get back in, okay.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
Whew.
(sighs) Let me get into character.
Uggs, baseball, okay, here we go.
This is the first time I gave a hand job.
- Action.
- Oh my god.
Cool "Boondock Saints" poster.
Okay.
Can't wait to get my hands on it.
Okay, here we go.
(scatting)
Oh, it's working.
Oh, you're done already.
And I'm gay.
And scene.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Oh.
Glad my sister's here to see that.
I grew up in a predominately white suburb,
and when you're one of the few Asian American kids,
people say some pretty weird stuff to you.
And by weird, I mean like entertainingly racist.
Not like, "Oh my god, that was so bad,"
but, "Oh my god, that was so creative.
"How did you come up with that?"
So I was in high school shopping for tankinis
at the local T.J. Maxx.
(audience laughs)
Yes, ladies, tankinis because I wanted to be modest,
but flirty, you know?
Show an inch of my skin so people are like,
"What's the rest of her stomach look like?"
(audience laughs)
And so I was shopping for tankinis,
and I felt a tap on my shoulder.
And I turned around.
And this white woman goes, "Are you Michelle Kwan?"
(audience laughs)
And I love picturing this woman
seeing me across the way,
thumbing through tankinis
and she's like, "Oh my god.
"Oh my god!
"Is that two-time olympian,
"five-time World Figure Skating champion Michelle Kwan
"in my favorite T.J. Maxx?
"Oh my god!
"No one else in this store knows.
"No one else in this store know.
"Okay, I'm gonna go talk to her.
"I'm gonna go talk to her."
I didn't say anything right away
because that's never happened to me before.
And so in my hesitation, she goes,
"Are you Michelle Kwan?"
I don't wanna speak for Michelle.
(audience laughs)
But I feel like I'd know my own name
if it was Michelle.
You wouldn't have to slow it down for me.
When I look back on that moment though,
I really can't blame her
because I was shopping for tankinis like this.
(audience laughs)
That's for all the Kwanatics out there.
That's what we call ourselves.
(audience laughs)
That's not the question that I usually get.
The one that get often happened
in line for the bathroom recently.
And these two white women tapped me on the shoulder.
And I turned around and they go, "Where are you from?
"Like, where are you from, from?"
And so I looked them dead in the eyes,
and I said,
♪ In a land so far away ♪
♪ Where everyone looks the same ♪
♪ Spirits fish in lakes so great ♪
♪ And porcelain skin, they do embrace ♪
♪ Fire rises from the water ♪
♪ Ancient men and quiet daughters ♪
♪ My home I yearn to see ♪
♪ Pussy willows tickle trees ♪
♪ Snowy flakes south of the moon ♪
♪ I hope this song will bring you to ♪
♪ Erie, Pennsylvania ♪
Oh, what a dream.
♪ The land where I am from ♪
Thanks a lot, everyone.
I'm Hanhntien.