And you want a fine man,
a nice-looking, working man.
Am I right, ladies?
- Whoo!
- You want
a gorgeous, handsome, fine man
like Denzel Washington.
Oh, Denzel is gorgeous.
Denzel is to women what Barney is
to kids.
(audience laughing)
Denzel walk in here, all the women go,
♫ I love you. ♫
(audience laughing)
Just fine.
But you can date a guy four
or five months.
Perfect gentleman.
But around that fifth, sixth month,
the jerk syndrome kicks in.
I tried to warn my girlfriends.
I try to help them.
I'm like, ladies, don't be fooled.
They pull out the chair, hold open
the door, whisper sweet nothings
in your ear.
It's a setup.
My same silly girlfriend,
(clicks tongue)
"Nuh-uh, gurl."
(clicks tongue)
"I is like,
"all that's stuff my man do for me.
(clicks tongue)
"I especially like
(clicks tongue)
"when he'd be blowing in my urr."
(audience laughing)
What's a urr?
(audience laughing)
I'm like, come here, boo, come here,
come here, boo.
You airhead, he was giving you
a refill.
That's why he was blowing
in your ear.
(blows)
(audience applauding)
Love my girlfriend.
I do.
I love my girlfriend, but she's one
of those people who just cannot
pronounce words properly.
Now by a round of applause,
be honest, round of applause,
how many of you
know people who just mess up
the English language?
By round of applause.
(audience applauding)
Yep.
(audience applauding)
Some of you aren't clapping.
If you don't know somebody,
you are that somebody.
(audience laughing)
You just don't know it.
My girlfriend, same girlfriend,
she says stuff like,
(tongue clicks)
"my baby be going to school
"every day.
(tongue click)
"He gone
"get a perfect attendance
"stu-stiff-it."
(audience laughing)
Boo, you need to go with him.
(audience laughing)
(tongue clicks)
"Girl, I love suh-see food.
(clicks tongue)
"Swimps on the barb."
What is a swimp?
It's like it's harder to say it wrong.
Right?
And she's always leaving out
important information.
She was trying to tell me about one
of her other girlfriends' brothers
who left the military.
They don't know where he is.
(tongue clicks)
"Girl,
(tongue clicks)
"Treyvon done
"left the militurr.
(tongue clicks)
"He AOL."
(audience laughing)
What are you saying,
he's lost on the internet?
What do you mean?
Come here, come here, come here,
boo.
(blows)
(audience laughing)
Bless her little heart.
(audience laughing)
That's a Southern thing we say.
We don't really want to offend you.
Bless your little heart.
Oh, gosh.
Tell you a little bit more about me.
I have two children,
beautiful children.
My son, when he was born,
I described him as the Gerber baby.
I mean, in every sense of the word.
I'm talking blonde hair, blue eyes,
cutest little white boy you ever
seen, right?
My son is albino.
I'm so cool with that.
That's just how we were blessed.
We're out in public,
get some strange looks.
People looking at me
like I'm the nanny.
- Oooh.
- Oh, yes.
Mind your business, ma'am.
You're going to get stabbed
in the forehead.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Have a great day.
(audience laughing)
That's so cool.
So cool.
But we took him to Disney World.
You try taking a toddler
off the ride when the ride stops?
You know how your children just
show out in public,
just fall out like somebody just
took every bone out of their body,
like they've just been filleted
or something?
So, "son, we've got to go.
"Other people are waiting."
Because that's how I talk in public,
right.
"Other people want to ride, son.
"Let's go."
(audience laughing)
So he falls out,
and we have to pick him up and
carry him out of the line.
We're picking him up.
People are walking by, nosy people
just walking by.
And arms flailing, he's kicking
his legs.
Walking by, this one lady said,
"poor thing.
"He probably just wants his mother."
- Oooh.
- Mind your business, ma'am.
You're going to get stabbed
in the forehead.
(audience laughing)
Have a great day.
Oh, my son.
He's getting bigger now,
and so I go and check on him
at night.
I can't say I tuck him in.
I go check on him at night.
And I was checking on him
the other night, and he said,
"Mom, what have you been eating?"
I'm like, I don't know.
Why?
"Because your breath stinks."
It's like, whoa.
Honest to a fault,
just like his mom.
But just like his mom,
if he's offended you,
we want to get it right, right away.
"But mom, it's OK.
"It's OK, because at school,
"we're talking about dinosaurs,
"and every animal has a defense
"mechanism.
(audience laughing)
"Your breath could be your defense
"mechanism.
(audience laughing)
"Really.
"Really, Mom, it's OK.
"Just like, we don't even need a gun.
"Somebody break in the house,
"you just go."
(breathing)
- Whoo!
- Thanks, son.
Thanks.
Now my daughter on the other hand,
bubbling brown sugar.
Feisty just like her mom.
She was born five weeks early
at home on the kitchen floor.
(audience laughing)
I'm having labor pains.
I called my doctor.
He says, "can you be here in an hour?"
Sure doc.
I'll be there in an hour.
My bag is already packed five weeks
early because I've got OCD.
Well actually, mine is CDO.
Got my bag packed.
Come out of the bedroom,
take a few steps.
Contraction hits me,
but I've been doing Lamaze.
I can breathe through that.
I'm breathing.
Everything.
OK.
I'm good.
Take a few more steps.
I'm in the family room.
Another contraction hits me,
takes me to the floor.
My water breaks.
I told their father,
call the ambulance.
I'm not going to make it.
This genius that I'm married to--
or was.
(audience laughing)
He looks in the phone book.
I'm not making this up.
He looks in the phone book.
I'm like, what are you doing?
It's 911!
Just call the ambulance.
And so he's acting as if he's
auditioning for the Ben Stein Visine
commercial.
You know that guy?
"My wife is in labor
"and she says she's
"not going to make it."
I'm screaming, will somebody just
help me?
So you can see my daughter moving
down the birth canal.
I'm now on the floor.
Will somebody help me?
Her head pops out.
He goes outside--
(audience laughing)
--to wait for the ambulance.
(audience laughing)
I tell my son, just go over there
somewhere.
You don't need to see all of this.
Just go over there.
I'm screaming,
will somebody help me?
I hear the ambulance.
I hear the siren.
Then somebody comes
through the front door,
runs through the living room,
runs through the dining room,
runs through the family room,
slides in home.
Safe.
Comes up with a ball--
I mean baby in his hands.
And I'm like, it's a baby girl.
He said, "but she's not crying."
This little woman clears her throat.
A-hem.
(audience laughing)
It was at that moment I realized
I had just given birth
to the other woman.
The other woman was my daughter.
She has been feisty ever since.
She's a tomboy just like I was.
Any former tomboys in the house?
Yeah.
Helps you navigate in the world.
You're not so scared right?
Tomboy.
I was one of the guys
until I started liking the guys.
Now I'm showing up to play tackle
football with lip gloss
and eyeliner,
(audience laughing)
hormones all over the place.
And the fellas are looking at me
like, what's all that stuff
on your face?
I'm like, what stuff on my face?
(audience laughing)
Hormones all over the place.
So I was the secret weapon
on my brother's football team,
tackle football.
They would pick me because no one
ever suspected that I could tackle
and knock you down.
I'd hit you low, knock you flat.
So I'm getting there right in front
of the center of the other team.
He's getting ready to hike the ball.
I'm going to knock him
flat like always.
This time he hiked the ball,
the guy knocks me flat.
I'm on the ground.
My brother comes over there.
"Yo man, you better get up
"off my sister."
I said, no, he's all right.
(audience laughing)
Hormones all over the place.
We're just discussing a play.
We're just discussing.
(audience laughing)
Thank you for that.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
I love my children.
But people don't raise children
like I was raised back in the day.
You know when Mama said,
do something,
you did it.
- Right?
- It's what I call the gospel
according to mama.
I was in the grocery store
and there was a mother negotiating
with her son.
I'm going to count to three.
And I'm thinking, the only thing
my mama counted were the minutes
I was passed out
(audience laughing)
after she beat me.
He wanted some Cocoa Puffs.
She's trying to explain to him why
he's going to have Life cereal.
He didn't want to hear that,
popped her upside the head, knocked
the cereal out of her hand.
I'm like, had that been
my mama, only thing you heard
in that store-- "clean up on aisle 3,
(audience laughing)
"clean up on aisle 3."
Cocoa Puffs would have been
everywhere.
My mother would take the cereal box
and beat you with it.
"Didn't I tell you--"
Mama, stop.
You're a serial killer.
Stop it.
(audience laughing)
High as gas is.
(audience laughing)
Or high as milk is.
Same as gas.
Oh my gosh.
Crazy crazy.