The technology news
that I'm super excited about today.
I finally found my remote!
Yo, that was killing me.
Yo, I was watching a Spanish soccer match, right,
and then my TV was stuck on Spanish TV the entire week.
¡Soy estado muy frustrado
porque no puedo hablar español en absoluto!
Oh, and this also happened today--
Apple announced new gadgets.
Apple unveiling its highly anticipated iPhone 12,
featuring four new models with 5G capability,
ceramic shield,
and MagSafe wireless charging.
They did announce four new iPhones.
They got the iPhone 12, the iPhone 12 Mini,
the iPhone 12 Pro, and the iPhone 12 Pro Max.
The regular iPhone 12 and 12 Mini
will come with a thing called MagSafe,
and that lets chargers, cases, other accessories
snap onto the back of the device.
Interestingly, to reduce their carbon footprint,
the new iPhones, when you open an iPhone box,
there will be no headphones, no chargers inside.
Yo! Apple has done it again!
You know how many times I've lost my charger?
But now Apple is like,
"You don't got to worry about that no more.
I got you."
You know, it's actually amazing how we're so addicted
to Apple products that we'll just take whatever they give.
"No charger." "We'll take it!"
"No earbuds." "I'm in!"
"The iPhone 13...
will not come with a phone."
"I want two of them.
"The big box and the small box.
Aah!"
Now, look, I can understand
why they're getting rid of the headphones.
I mean, we all need to be more social.
That makes sense. But the charger?
Guys, now is not the time to have people sharing chargers.
"Wait, how did you get corona?"
"Well, you got to understand, my battery was at 30%..."
But let's move on to a country that's still on the iPhone 2,
North Korea.
Over the weekend, Kim Jong-un,
North Korean dictator
and world's most dangerous rectangle,
hosted a surprise military parade where he showed off
his brand-new missiles
and a brand-new side of himself.
NEWSMAN: Kim Jong-un apologized for failing to improve
North Koreans' lives in an address
at an unprecedented predawn military parade.
NEWSMAN 2: This came out at the climax
of a nearly two-hour military parade
in the country's capital.
The country's leader, Kim Jong-un,
was seen crying, along with those in the crowd,
thanking the North Korean people
for their hard work during the pandemic.
NEWSMAN 3: He got more emotional than I think we've ever seen.
He looks like he was standing there at the podium, sobbing.
And this went on for quite some time.
Wow, guys.
This is the day
that Kim Jong-un finally became president.
I honestly can't believe that Kim Jong-un
broke down in tears during a military parade.
That's how you know everyone is feeling the pandemic blues.
Even a murderous dictator is like...
(crying): "It's too much.
"It's too-- The Zoom.
"All the time. And my background.
And I don't-- I don't have a background."
Although it's, uh, really easy
to admit your failures as a leader
when it's impossible for anyone to replace you.
I mean, it's not like his people can vote him out, you know?
It's kind of like when a kidnapper admits
that they were wrong. "I just wish
that this hadn't happened to both of us."
"Both of us?"
And, look, I don't speak North Korean,
so I can't confirm exactly what Kim was saying.
But if I had to put my money on it,
he was probably saying something like this...
(applause)
(shouting)
But let's move on from the world's most famous dictatorship
to the one country that'll never become a dictatorship
for at least the next three weeks,
the United States of America.
After RBG's passing,
President Trump and his Republican minions
wasted no time nominating Judge Amy Coney Barrett,
the GOP's final infinity stone to destroy Planned Parenthood.
Now, unlike last year's nominee, Brett Kavanaugh,
Barrett has not been accused of sexual assault
or juvenile delinquency or...
Wait, what was the other thing?
I liked beer.
My man.
So, if you were planning on watching these hearings,
please, don't waste your time.
Because, over the years, all these hearings have become
is each party making big speeches
about how the nominee is either gonna save
or destroy the Supreme Court
and then the nominee pretending
that they have never had a point of view on anything.
For example, it's no secret that Amy Coney Barrett
is against Roe v. Wade, right?
Trump wouldn't have picked her otherwise.
But if you ask her about it during the hearing,
all of a sudden, she doesn't have an opinion.
Do you agree with Justice Scalia's view
that Roe was wrongly decided?
I think, on that question, uh, you know,
I'm gonna invoke Justice Kagan's description,
which I think is, um, perfectly put.
When she was in her confirmation hearing,
she said that she was not gonna grade precedent
or give it a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down.
And I think in an area where precedent
continues to be pressed and litigated,
as is true of Casey,
it would be particularly, um...
It would actually be wrong and a violation of the canons
for me to do that as a sitting judge.
It's distressing not to get a straight answer,
so let me try again.
Do you agree with Justice Scalia's view
that Roe was wrongly decided?
Again, I can't pre-commit or say,
"Yes, I'm going in with some agenda," because I'm not.
Do you agree with Justice Scalia's view
that Roe can and should be overturned by the Supreme Court?
It's a contentious issue, which is, I know,
one reason why it would be comforting to you
to have an answer, but I can't express views
on cases or pre-commit, um,
to approaching a case any particular way.
Yeah. Democrats spent all day
trying to get Barrett to admit
that she wants to overturn Roe v. Wade.
Basically, the whole day was like...
"Pro-lifer says what?" "Pardon?"
"Ah, well-played."
And abortion rights are just one example.
Barrett refused to say where she stood on every topic.
And I'm not picking on her, by the way.
This is what every Supreme Court nominee does,
which almost makes you wonder what the point
of these hearings is.
Seriously, like, what are we doing?
We all know what she's gonna do,
so why do we have to do the whole song and dance,
as if it's a big mystery?
"How do you feel?" We know how she feels.
It's like interviewing a toddler to see
if they're gonna misbehave after you leave the room.
"Are you gonna eat the cookie when I leave?"
"I have no opinions on cookies."
"And are you gonna draw on the walls when I leave?"
"I don't have any opinions on drawing."
"Well, that works for me. Here's the keys to the house, kid.
I'll see you in a week."
(evil giggling)
Here's an idea, guys.
If we know which judges are liberal
and which are conservative,
then why don't-- why don't we just change the rules
to reflect that?
Just have four judges picked by Democrats
and then four judges picked by conservatives.
Right? And then the ninth seat
could be a guest judge every week, like on Top Chef.
Yeah, yeah. Stick with me on this.
That way, it will be a lot more fair.
And, also, everyone will be
a lot more interested in the Supreme Court.
"Ooh, Joaquin Phoenix is on this week.
"I wonder if he'll take away my health care.
Ooh! It's so exciting."
And, finally, voting is now underway
in much of the United States.
But if you live in California
and you're planning to drop off your ballot at a collection box,
you might want to read the fine print.
NEWSMAN: Controversy in California
after the Republican Party installed
dozens of their own ballot drop-off boxes
at several locations across the state.
State officials calling them unofficial and illegal,
though they appear virtually indistinguishable
from the boxes sanctioned by the state.
The California Republican Party not backing down,
saying there are no laws
that private drop-off boxes are not permitted.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The California GOP put out their own ballot drop-off boxes
and labeled them as official?
No, that's shady as hell.
You can't say something's official if it's not official!
I hate it when people do that.
You know, like how they say Old Spice
is the official deodorant of the NFL.
But I've smelled Patrick Mahomes,
and he smells like sunshine,
which, last time I checked,
is not part of the Old Spice catalog.
The deception aside though,
I don't think ballot boxes on every corner
is actually a bad idea.
It should be this easy to vote in America.
There should be drop boxes all over the place.
You know? They-they should be like Starbucks--
they should be everywhere
and they should also let you take a dump if you need to.
Because otherwise the alternative
is what we saw happening in Georgia just yesterday,
where people were waiting in line
for 11 hours just to vote.
And let me tell you something--
if I'm waiting 11 hours in line,
shit, I don't want to vote at the end of it--
I want to be president.