THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HAPPY FRIDAY WELL GUYS, HERE IS SOME BIG
NEWS, EARLIER TODAY JOHNSON & JOHNSON ANNOUNCED ITS
SINGLE-SHOT COVID VACCINE HAS COMPLETED ITS GLOBAL TRIAL AND
WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YEP, JOHNSON & JOHNSON SAID THEIR VACCINE WAS PROVEN TO BE
66% EFFECTIVE. WAY TO GO?
66%? PRETTY MUCH THE D STUDENT OF
THE VACCINE WORLD. NOT FAILING, BUT WE WOULD
REALLY LIKE TO BUMP THAT AVERAGE UP TO A C PLUS BY NEXT
SEMESTER THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE
SHOWED UP LATE AND IT GOT A 66%.
IT'S BASICALLY THE SPICOLI OF VACCINES
IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE RESULTS, KEEP IN MIND, HOT
POCKETS WERE JUST RECALLED FOR BEING 66% GLASS AND AMERICANS
STILL ATE THEM [ APPLAUSE ]
BUT THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE IS STILL CONSIDERED
EFFECTIVE AND IT DOES HAVE SOME
GOOD THINGS GOING FOR IT
LISTEN TO THIS
IT'S ONE SHOT, NOT TWO, AND IT ALSO DOES NOT NEED TO BE KEPT
IN THOSE NEAR FREEZING TEMPERATURES LIKE THE OTHER
TWO. >> Jimmy: YEP, UNLIKE THOSE
PFIZER AND MODERNA VACCINES YOU'VE GOT TO WINE AND DINE,
THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON ONE WILL HOOK UP WITH YOU IN A BACK
ALLEY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND THIS SHOULDN'T BE OVERLOOKED, THE JOHNSON &
JOHNSON VACCINE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT PROMISES NO TEARS IF IT
GETS IN YOUR EYES. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, AS THE VIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE AND NEW
VARIANTS ARISE, EXPERTS ARE ENCOURAGING DOUBLE MASKING FOR
INCREASED PROTECTION AGAINST COVID.
NOT EXACTLY THE BIG MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH I WAS HOPING FOR.
11 MONTHS IN AND SOMEONE IS LIKE, "UM, TWO MASKS
I'M GONNA GO TO LUNCH. OH, AND IF YOU WEAR THOSE
FLIMSY BLUE ONES THAT COME IN PACKS OF 50, THEY SUGGEST YOU
WEAR ALL 50. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT DR. FAUCI SUPPORTS WEARING TWO MASKS.
IN A BRIEF STATEMENT HE SAID - [ INAUDIBLE
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT ALL WINNERS, FOLKS
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO TRY THEM -
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AND BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU GET
YEAH, HEALTH EXPERTS ARE SAYING THAT AS COVID KEEPS EVOLVING,
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS PEOPLE CAN DO IS WEAR A DOUBLE FACE
MASK IT'S IMPORTANT TO FOLLOW THESE
GUIDELINES, SO JUST TO GET EVERYBODY ON BOARD -
♪ HEY, IT'S ALMOST FEBRUARY.
ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY SO IF YOU WANT TO SHOW THAT
SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU REALLY CARE, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SLIDE
INTO THE DMs THE DOUBLE MASKS
♪ YOU GOT TO SLID INTO THE DMs
DMs MEANS SOMETHIN DIFFERENT NOW ♪
♪ IT MEANS DOUBLE MASKS YOU'VE GOT TO DOUBLE
THAT MASK ♪ >> Jimmy: YOU WANT HEAT?
WELL IT DOESN'T GET MUCH HOTTER THAN WEARING TWO FACE MASKS AT
THE SAME TIME. BECAUSE SLIDING INTO THE DMs
WILL MAKE THOSE GLASSES FOG RIGHT UP
♪ MAKE THEM FOG ON UP DON'T FORGET TO PU
SOME CHAPSTICK ON BEFORE YOU DOUBLE THAT MASK ♪
♪ BEFORE YO DOUBLE THAT MASK ♪
>> Jimmy: SO THIS FEBRUARY, LET THE WORLD KNOW YOU TAKE
PROTECTION SERIOUSLY AND SLIDE INTO THOSE DMs, THE
DOUBLE MASKS ♪ OH GIRL COME ON AND
DOUBLE THE MASKS DOUBLE THAT MASK ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ] I READ THAT FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAS BEEN SPOTTED ON VACATION IN THE
VIRGIN ISLANDS I MEAN, OF COURSE HE VACATIONS
IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS. IT'S LIKE THE HEAD ALIEN
RETURNING TO THE MOTHERSHIP, YOU KNOW
AS WE SPEAK, PENCE IS ENJOYING A GLASS OF SKIM MILK WITH
A LITTLE UMBRELLA IN IT. HONESTLY, I'M A LITTLE WORRIED
PENCE MIGHT HAVE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THE SUN.
DO WE HAVE A PHOTO OF HIM? AH, A LITTLE CRISPY THERE.
SOME BUSINESS NEWS, YESTERDAY
GENERAL MOTORS MADE A PRETTY
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
WATCH THIS
>> GENERAL MOTORS PLANS TO GO ALL ELECTRIC BY THE YEAR 2035.
THE AUTO MAKER ANNOUNCING ITS GOAL YESTERDAY TO END
PRODUCTION OF ALL DIESEL AND GASOLINE POWERED CARS WITHIN
THE NEXT 14 YEARS. >> Jimmy: YEAH
[ APPLAUSE ] I'M NOT SURPRISED GM MADE THE
MOVE ESPECIALLY AFTER THEIR LATEST GAS GUZZLER, THE
ESCALADE PYRAMID [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, THERE ARE TWO THINGS WE'RE HOPING WILL HAVE ZERO
EMISSIONS IN THE FUTURE, CARS AND RUDY GIULIANI.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] NOW GET THIS, I READ THAT
POLICE IN PARIS ARE BEING INVESTIGATED FOR BREAKING COVID
RULES BY HAVING A PARTY AT THEIR STATION AND DANCING THE
MACARENA UNTIL 3:00 A.M. YEAH, THE MACARENA
I HAVE SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY TO THEM, BUT SINCE THEY'RE
SO INTO '90s MUSIC, LET ME PUT IT INTO TERMS THAT THEY'LL
UNDERSTAND COME ON, YOU OUTTA KNOW BETTER,
DANCING UNTIL 3:00 A.M., UNBELIEVABLE
AND THE MACARENA I MEAN, HOW BIZZARE.
I WISH YOU'D BE AN EXAMPLE AND SAY "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.
LISTEN, I GET IT EVERY MORNING ALL I WANNA DO IS
RUN AROUND OUTSIDE BELIEVE ME, BUT IF YOU SABOTAGE
THIS WHOLE THING, I'LL BE REALLY UPSET AND I DON'T
WANNABE. IN THE MEANTIME, QUIT LIVING LA
VIDA LOCA AND SAY "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS" SO WE CAN ALL TELL
COVID "GOOD RIDDANCE." THANK YOU.
[ APPLAUSE ] EVERYTHING OKAY OVER THERE
ARE YOU FIXING A TOASTER OR SOMETHING?
[ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, A METEOROLOGIST IN
CALIFORNIA WAS GIVING THE WEATHER REPORT FROM HOME
YESTERDAY WHEN SHE HAD AN
ADORABLE VISITOR
TAKE A LOOK.
>> SO WE'RE WAITING FOR THAT STORM TO ARRIVE HERE IN
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AND IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A BABY DOWN
BELOW. ALL RIGHT.
SANTA CLARITA 57, 66 DEGREES IN CHINO, SANTA MONICA 61, 55 IN
VENTURA, AND IRVINE 64 DEGREES AND 62 IN PASADENA
>> Jimmy: SHE WAS LIKE, COMING UP AT 7:00, I ASK MY HUSBAND
WHY HE CAN'T DO ONE SIMPLE JOB FOR FIVE MINUTES
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE