I found a way to make planking a lot easier.
Do it naked, tits and belly hit the floor
a lot less to hold up.
And pretty much every time she said "chin to chest"
I was sort of already doing it.
How was that a fucking exercise?
That's how I read.
Another thing I tried...
Give me a "woo" if you've heard of the "Couch to 5K" app?
[AUDIENCE]: Whoo! - Quite a lot of you.
For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what it is.
It's an app to get you running, a BBC app.
The idea is you start as a beginner
and by the end, you should be able to run five kilometres
and the whole way through, you have somebody in your ear
talking you through it, telling you when to run, when to walk
offering you kind of support and encouragement.
And of those people...
there's quite a few people you can choose from...
one of them is Olympic gold medallist Michael Johnson.
And another one is me. How the fuck did that happen?
When I was first asked to do it a long time ago now
they were very nice to me, they said
"You've got a really friendly voice.
We thought you'd be great for this".
That's what they said. What I think they meant was
"You look like people who don't run".
When I recorded it, I said, "Can I mix it up?
Can I change it round? Can I put my own words in?"
And they said, "No, no, it's BBC, it's health.
It's very important you just stick with what's written".
All I was allowed to do was
put in some "Well done, flower"s
and "Well done, pet"s. That's all I was allowed.
All I really wanted to do, on the bit where it says
"And now have a snack such as a banana"
really quietly underneath, I just wanted to go...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Muffin".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
So that you knew it was definitely me
and in case you were worried, I was safe.
It's good to know that. It's good to know.
But pretty much every day, somebody on social media
would send me a message saying they've started it
or they finished it, or they're in the middle of it
and they never thought they could run
and now they can run and they love it.
And on one of my overwhelmed days
I thought, if it's working for all of those people
maybe I should be giving it a go.
And then I thought, should I use...
my own voice?
I couldn't work out if I'd find it inspirational
or really fucking irritating.
And the truth is, both.
Some days it would say things like, "You're doing really well.
I'm really proud of you" and I'd be like
"I am doing really well.
Thanks for being proud of me, past me
sitting on a sofa eating a fucking biscuit".
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Then other days it would say, "Well, if that went well
why don't you run a bit faster?"
And I would say, "Why don't you fuck the fuck off"?
My husband said, "Isn't it hard?"
He prefers to do weights, doesn't like to run.
He said, "Isn't it hard?"
Cos I did do it. I completed the whole thing
and I used my own voice like an absolute bellend.
I said, "Of course it's hard. It's running".
I said, "Haven't we all done loads of hard things
over the last few years, we never thought
we'd have to do?"
And I came up with something that sounds like a catchphrase.
I dunno where it came from but I like it
and I'm keeping it.
I said, "Of course it's hard
because if it was easy, it'd be biscuits".
I don't know where that came from.
I think I might've read it on a t-shirt.
Give me a "woo" if you came here tonight with a family member?
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
And if you came with a friend?
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
There's not as many with friends
but you're more enthusiastic, that's interesting, isn't it?
The people who came with a friend
is anybody in a really long friendship?
Give me a wave if you are.
We've got people here. Oh, right at the front.
How long have you two been friends?
[WOMAN]: 15 years. - 15 years? Thank you for that.
There was a lady the other day, shouted out "45 years".
I said, "Wow, where did you meet?"
And she went...
"At birth."
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
I said, "It's not your fucking mam, is it?
I hate people who are like that.
[IN A SOPPY VOICE]: "My mam's my best friend".
[IN NORMAL VOICE]: Yeah, you're not hers.
She wants you to move out.
But well done to all of the long friendships in the room.
I'm very impressed by you.
I'm also a little bit jealous of you.
I have friends from comedy
friends from other jobs that I've had.
I don't have any friends from school.
You wouldn't think you'd know why, but I know exactly why.
When I was a kid and my birthday rolled around
my mam would say, "Would you like a party?"
You have to remember that kids' parties
when I was a child, very different to kids' parties now.
For example, I have a friend
who has an eight-year-old daughter.
For her last birthday party
they hired somebody to do manicures
and also a hot tub.
I said, "What the fuck are you doing?
You're not Kardashians".
But if you've got little ones now
maybe this is the kind of elaborate party
that you have to put on. Maybe hire a venue
maybe somebody does the catering.
Maybe a man you don't know comes in in a weird outfit
and plays with your children for money.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You can call him a clown if you like
but my description is still valid.
"Come on in, kids.
Paedo the clown has arrived!
We're pretty sure he's alright
but don't sniff his flower, just in case".
At least you'd know if he was getting
any of the kids to touch him
in a wrong area, cos it makes this sound...
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS]
I fully expect at some point on this tour
to start getting really angry emails from clowns...
which I will then forward onto the police.
"Found another one for you, you're welcome!"
I did a show in Antwerp a while back
in Antwerp in Belgium
and just after I honked, a man on the front row
really quiet, really sinister-looking, just went...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]: "Do it again".
Ehhh.
So, for him and for you.
[CLOWN HORN SOUND]
[SHE GIGGLES]
This is not the kind of party that was on offer
to me, though, when I was a child.
Let's gauge your age in the room.
Give me a "woo" if you're under 40.
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
40 and above?
[AUDIENCE]: Woo!
There's a lot more of us. We can take them, can't we?
The kind of party that was on offer to me
in the '70s and the '80s would be this...
Six friends, maximum.
That's the sort of amount I would've struggled
to fill at that age.
Somebody would've had to bring their cousin
just to make up the numbers.
In your house, wasn't it always in your house?
And your mam, or a mam, someone's mam...
would prepare the food.
And by that, I mean they would cut it all into cubes.
So it could take part in the hedgehog.
Anything that wasn't cut into cubes was cut on an angle
so you know you're at a party.
That's how you know.
Don't know if you know, but this works
as an adult as well.
If you're ever at somebody's house
and you're like is it a party?
Is it not a party? Look at the food.
Is it cut on an angle? You're at a fucking party.
Are the biscuits fanned out on a plate?
You're at a fucking party.
You don’t do that for yourself, do you?
You don't sit down in front of Bake Off
with a packet of pink wafers and your best plate.
No, you put the full packet in, pull out the wrapper.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]
They'd also be party games. Wouldn't there be party games?
One of your toys would be wrapped up
several times and passed around
until some other f***er takes it home.
Someone would piss themselves, wouldn't they? Always.
Usually the same child at every party.
And you'd all go home with a little bag of crap.
That's a kids party, isn't it
in the '70s and '80s, right there?
The other option, if I didn't want a party, would be this.
So, I'm from a place called South Shields.
South Shields is near Newcastle
and in Newcastle is a department store
called Fenwick's, quite a fancy department store.
Now the option if I wanted to, instead of a party
to go to Fenwick's for the day with my mam, just the two of us.
We'd go to the restaurant, which was not fancy.
Any restaurant that starts with your own tray is not fancy.
And I could choose anything I liked off the menu
which every single time I went was always the same thing.
All I ever wanted was chips in a bowl.
That's all I ever wanted
because to me, the height of luxury
was being able to have nothing else with your chips
but other f***ng chips.
Then we'd go to the toy department
I'll pick a toy and we'd go home.
Every single birthday I had as a child
was spent in Fenwick's.
I never said "yes" to a party.
I chose Fenwick's over friends...
some would say chips over friends.
Still sort of doing it now...
and I regret not a f***ing thing.
But every time I was invited
to somebody else's birthday party as a kid
I always went. It's rude, really, isn't it
to go to others' parties, never have one of your own.
I'd go to the party, I'd eat the cubed food
I'd win a prize
piss myself...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...and I'd go home with a little bag of crap
and an adult man's mobile number.
[CLOWN HORN SOUND] - No.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Did anybody find in the last few of years
when we were dealing with all the Covid sh**e
anybody find that every now and again
they felt like they were going a little bit mad?
[AUDIENCE]: Yeah. - Yes?
So, "overwhelmed" is probably a better word.
I'd feel a bit overwhelmed
and I'd do a thing that I thought would help.
Let me tell you a few of the things I tried.
First thing I tried, I bought some seeds.
Do you remember there was a while back there
when food was so scarce, we all thought
we're going to have to grow it all ourselves?
I bought some seeds.
My friend quite rightly pointed out
that seeds only really grow fruit and vegetables.
I thought, "What f***ing use is that to me?"
Where are the seeds for the Twixes and the toilet rolls
and the microwave dinners? That's what I need.
Does anybody want to hazard a guess
how many seeds I actually planted?
[AUDIENCE]: None. - None, thank you, None.
There was a man the other day, shouted out "two"
which has gotta be the weirdest suggestion of all.
Sounds like I just tripped when I got out the car
and a couple accidently landed in the ground.
Another thing I tried, I tried a bit of yoga.
Does anybody do yoga?
They even sound quite relaxed when answering the question
don't they?
[IN A CALM DEEP VOICE]: "Yes, I do yoga.
I'm bendy as f**".
[IN NORMAL VOICE]: I tried a bit of yoga.
Watched a lady on YouTube.
Had to turn the volume up really loud, though
cos I couldn't hear what she was telling me to do
over all of the clicking of my joints.