People: *Shouting*
O-Open the gate!
Close the gate?
Wha-What about the gate?
Closing the gate!
N-No! Open the gate!
Opening the gate!
Hendrickson: God dammit, I hate today.
[Muffle, wet breathing]
Arthur: Hi.
Wha-What was...
Uh sorry, were you going to-
N-No. What-
Should I...
[Wet, loud, breathing]
... you go.
No, please. You're the guest.
Okay, then-
Then go ahead.
Okay, I'm gonna go. On the count of three. Ready? One, two, three.
Hi.
What can I, Great Holy Knight Hedrickson, do for the representatives of esteemed kingdom of Camelot...
[More heavy wet breathing]
Eh. This is gonna be hard.
I am Sir Arthur Pendragon, master and king of Camelot. I have come at the request of the great political Holy Knight Dreyfus.
After word from his secretary Howzer reached me.
I brought everything. Say hello, everything!
[Single distant voice]: Hello!
Yeah, hi. Well, your highness, thank you for coming and all. Especially on such short notice, but we're kind of in the middle of something, so...
[Loud slurping sound]
Are you sure? I brought pizza.
Pizza Knight: Is that PIZZA? LET HIM IN!
I'm afraid that, as a rule, we can't house armies of any other faction. So you and your men have to go home.
Go home please.
Merlin, do the magic thing.
[Screaming]
Okay, how bout' now?
[Hendrickson sighs]
And, you swear you brought pizza?
Yes, stuffed crust.
Alright, come with me.
Don't-Don't touch anything.
Sweet. Honestly, those guys were jerks.
I'm glad we got away from them.
ELIZABETH: Get away from WHO? What, wait a minute, what? Holy shit.
Vivian: So sorry, princess. But-
WHAAAAAT!!!!!!????
I'm *sorry*, princess. But-
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
This... This here can stop any time now!
Please, please stop.
Elizabeth: TAKE ME BACK TO CAPTAIN BOYFRIEND, NOW!!!
[groaning]
OH MY GOD. HAWK!? ...are you ok?
THE DEMON WITHIN ME CANNOT BE CONTAINED.
IT CRAVES RELEASE.
I MUST FREE IT FROM IT'S FLESHY PRISON.
MY DARK MASTER BECKONS ME. I MUST ESCAPE MY WRETCHED FATE
[unknown, off screen]: Oh god, what is happening? AAARGH
Elizabeth: What? Hawk?
Stop it! Stop it, now!
[off screen]: RAAAHHHH
Oh howdy, Elizabeth. Pleasant day we're having.
Is that blood? On your head? Is that head blood?
Probably.
Ew.
Hey.... You guys woke me up.
I was having a wet dream about a giant elephant but he was my son and I was going to take my elephant son to the carnival and-
MY DARK LORD DESIRES A SACRIFICE.
Dah!
Ready to go, Elizabeth?
Onward, to waaaaaaaaar!
I may not have eyes, but I have a soul of a warrior!
Ah, my warrior's soul!
They call me tiny knives!
Get ready to get stomped! AH!
Ban: Cappy, I don't remember any of these guys... How many people live here?
Meliodas: I'm not sure. Let me give that a count. One, two, three, no, no, that was the same fucking one again.
-At least nine!
[Soldier 1]: Would you like to know my superpower?
IT'S NOTHING!
I have NOTHING!
[Soldier 2]: I can't wait to tell you my name!
[Soldier 3]: I SUCKED DICK TO GET THIS [unintelligible]
[Soldier 4]: Fuck Nick Junior!
Gowther: I have no clue how deadly this is going to be, but I have a feeling that no one will mourn their deaths.
SACRED TREASURE: Double Bow Harlet!
Ban: Sacred treasure? Where'd he hide that?
I-I-In his booty hole?
REWRITE LIGHT!
Enemies: What the... What the... What the.. AHHHHHHH. [Blips, and sounds of screaming.]
Everyone: Huh?????
Nani?
What're these... FEELINGS?
Whatever it is, it hurts, it hurts so bad!
Die. Perish. Perish from this rewrite light.
HAAAAAAAAAAAA
What did you do with that booty bow?
I LOVE YOU! [screaming]
You're my favorite sister, don't tell your sister!
Meliodas: Why is there a grown, masked FUCKING man holding ma cheeks!
Banditos, my baby girl! DADDY MISSED YOU.
Ban: Alright. Oh what are! HEHE, NONO; Hey! Hey! Watch where your hand's going! HEHEHE! It's so cold and metally!
I used my abilities to make them believe that we are their long lost loved ones.
Oh thanks! I HATE IT.
Hold on a second.
Ban: PUT ME DOWN. NO. NO. NOT LIKE THAT-
Okay, we should go before this hits fan-fiction territory.
When you find them, be sure to give them my fanfic, ask for feedback. My email is-
[conversation continues, muffled]
Meliodas: I can't believe how few people you have to murder to get in here.
Gowther: If only there was an elite team of seven knights to defend them.
Ban: Too bad that'll never happen.
[Wind blowing.]
Is... is that Meliodas' head behind the wall? Should we tell someone?
Yeah, but I don't want to fuckin' die, dude.
Hey Cappo? Weren't we here to get Elizabeth?
No-Uh...Uh... The uh, uh, the pig one.
Are you SURE?
Yes! Definitely!
Oh, we're lying about things now? Ok! I'm very happy to be here!
Man. She could be ANYWHERE.
[Elizabeth singing 'Hooked on a Feeling loudly, but 'feeling' is replaced by 'captain'. ]
Oh, right.
I think I know where they are. [Elizabeth continues to sing]
Arthur: So, as the top knight, I bet you were in the middle of a fight
And you were just like, swatting off bitches left and right
You're like - "not again bitches! I'm busy. God."
Why are we stopped?
Hendrickson: I've had enough.
[Dramatic thump.]
[laughing] I bet that's NOT what the bitches said.
*Hic.* Hehe...
Alright, no, no, die.
Vivian: Hello, Sir Hendrickson. I've obtained the last fragment.
And...?
Vivian: And... your DVR is set to record The Good Wife at 8 pm.
You've done well, Vivian.
[Loud wet breathing]
Vivian: Can I... go now, sir?
Very well.
Vivian: Okay, have fun with your... whatever this is.
Right. Now what was I doing?
WHO IS THAT WOMAN AND WHEN DID YOU HIRE HER?
and can I get her digits?
Hendrickson: Oh yeah, you!
...Die.
Guard 1: HENDRICKSOOOOON! YOUR HEAD! YOUR PERFECT HEAD!
Hendrickson: Shut up.
Arthur: Did you see that? I was all like "BLARGH!" and you were all like "PEW!"
But then I was like "BWAH!"
And then you were all like "bluh, my name is Hendrickson."
That's what you were like.
Guard 2: Sir Hendrickson! Let us save your in your fight.
[sigh] You can help me if you manage to survive.
Guard 1: SURVIVE WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
Hawk's Mom: BEEP BEEP.
King: Oh, god! You fuckin' pig.
Diane: I know! Why would Captain waste his time trying to save that sexy pig when he's got me?
A big girl who EATS sexy pigs?
King: Yeah, I don't know how you connected THAT with what I said but... I'm sure Captain cares about you as much as Elizabeth!
Diane: Elizabeth? No... the Captain wouldn't cheat on me!
King: I feel like- again, I don't know how you connected that with what I said.
Are we even having the same conversation?
Diane: Oh, hey King! Didn't see you come in!
King: We. Are outside. Are you okay?
Diane: No... I've got a lot of Violence Feelings I'm trying to work out.
King: Well, if *you* ever got kidnapped, I would *totally* save you! I'd kick their ass!
[Remember it costs nothing to make subtitles actually useful to deaf/HoH people]