Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President,
members of the Congress, much to my surprise,
here we are again for the third year
in a row with this [BLEEP] guy.
But hell, what do I know?
I'm just a guy who yells thing.
So without further ado, you know him, I hate him,
here he is to bumble his way through bull [BLEEP]
for the third and hopefully last time,
the somehow still President of the United States,
Donald J. Trump.
Tonight, as you saw, the president
stood before a joint session of Congress
to deliver the state of the Confederacy--
I mean, Union.
And this speech was exactly what you
might expect from Donald Trump and a teleprompter--
not a great fit.
It was a self-congratulatory speech.
In the first 10 minutes, Trump used the word I more than all
of Lenscrafters does in a whole year.
But-- but in fairness to the president,
why should we expect him to be able to deliver
the State of the Union when he doesn't even
know the state of Kansas City?
[INAUDIBLE]
All the networks, all the liberal networks,
preempted their regular programming for this.
Instead of a new episode of "This is Us,"
most Americans spent tonight going, this is us?
Trump's theme for his speech was The Great American Comeback,
also known as GAC, and Trump boasted about unemployment,
about the stock market, which is a little
like the captain of the Titanic going, yeah,
but have you tried the shrimp?
One of the funnier interactions or lack
thereof tonight was Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi standing side
by side not talking to each other for the whole time, which
was kind of rude on his part because she tried really
hard to make him president.
And Pelosi and Pence, they looked like
the divorced parents at a--
their kid's graduation.
So the president walks in.
He comes in.
He shakes a lot of white people's hands.
And then when he gets to the podium,
now he's supposed to hand copies of his speech
to the Vice President, which he does,
and to the Speaker of the House.
And she reaches out for a handshake,
but that is not happening.
First time he decides not to touch a woman, it's there.
And as you can see, the first lady is, whoa, not happy.
Mike Pence stared-- he was staring directly at the back
at Trump's head all-- he just--
it was like he was just waiting for the right moment
to jump on that leg and hump.
There were a lot of great reactions to this speech.
In this one, the president again tried
to convince us that there really is
such a thing as a Space Force.
Just weeks ago, for the first time since President Truman
established the Air Force more than 70 years earlier,
we created a brand new branch of the United States Armed Forces.
It's called the Space Force.
Very important.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Look at those guys.
They're like, just keep quiet.
Just keep staring straight ahead.
Maybe he'll forget about this.
Trump promised he would always protect patients
with pre-existing conditions, which is something that I will
definitely remind him of when he most certainly does
exactly the opposite of that.
It really is brazen how he just says things and then
does the opposite of them.
He also gave Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
This-- today is Rosa Parks Day, and this is
a medal they gave Rosa Parks.
Tonight, Rush Limbaugh got it.
And then Trump turned his plan to cripple
public schools into what was basically a game show.
But you know, I have some good news for you
because I am pleased to inform you
that your long wait is over.
I can proudly announced tonight that an Opportunity Scholarship
has become available.
It's going to you, and you will soon be heading
to the school of your choice.
[THEME FROM "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"]
JIMMY KIMMEL: That's nice of him.
Maybe Bob Barker should be president instead.
And then he surprised an army wife
by bringing her husband back from Afghanistan
and reuniting them live on TV.
It was like Oprah's Favorite Things show but without Oprah.
This is fun too.
You can actually bet on what Trump would say in the speech.
Now these are real odds from a website.
You can bet on whether he would say the words impeach,
impeached, or impeachment.
He did not.
Another bet was, will Trump refer to Pelosi as Nervous
Nancy or Crazy Nancy?
He did not.
He really was on his B-best tonight.
But this is funny.
This is a first, I think.
You could bet on the number of lies he would tell.
And the over-under for non-facts, as they call them,
was 27 and 1/2.
And to keep tabs on that, they actually hooked the president
up to a polygraph.
Incomes are soaring.
Poverty is plummeting.
Crime is falling.
Confidence is surging.
Our borders are secure.
Our families are flourishing.
Our values are renewed.
Our pride is restored.
And for all of these reasons, I say
to the people of our great country
and to the members of Congress, the state of our union
is stronger than ever before.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Wow, that's--
Senator Bernie Sanders delivered the unofficial rebuttal
to the State of the Union from New Hampshire.
The official democratic response was given by Michigan Governor
Gretchen Whitmer, but Bernie's was louder,
so most people heard that.
And for the second year in a row-- in a row,
the official Spanish language response
to the State of the Union was delivered
by this prominent senator.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
JIMMY KIMMEL: Well, it was very well done.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[INAUDIBLE]
It was a very long day for Democrats today.
The Democrats somehow found a way to lose
the Democratic caucus in Iowa.
Who could have ever imagine that having people shout out
their votes in a middle school could
ever produce an unclear result?
But it did. it turned into a very late night, which was
especially bad for Mayor Pete.
He didn't get on stage until well past his curfew.
Now he's grounded for the New Hampshire primary.
Part of the reason it took so long
is because this is how they count the votes in Iowa.
It's-- poll is short for poultry, actually.
No, as far as I know, the Iowa caucus is the only thing
that happens all year in Iowa, and still
they didn't get it right.
No results were posted for more than 12 hours
after the polls closed in part because of issues
with the new app they were using to tally votes.
Why they used an app, I have no idea.
I watch these caucuses.
The average age of the participants
is by my-- probably in the mid-Bernie Sanders.
These are not-- app pe--
for these people app, isn't short for application.
It's short for apple sauce.
So what did you expect was going to happen?
The president, of course, was delighted by this.
He weighed in today, tweeting, it is not the fault of Iowa.
It is the do nothing Democrats' fault.
As long as I am president, Iowa will stay where it is.
Were-- was there--
was there talk of moving Iowa?
Because-- did Iowa decide to retire and move to Florida?
Because I didn't know about--
this app was made by a company called
Shadow Inc, which was founded by veterans of the Hillary
Clinton campaign.
Good idea-- get those guys again.
They did a bang up job the last time around.
They wound out-- and they wound up having
to count the votes by hand.
And finally, they released some results at 5:00 this afternoon.
And with 62% of precincts reporting,
the winner of the Iowa caucus is "La La Land," actually.
No, it would appear based on the still not final numbers
that the winner of the caucus, it will be either Pete
Buttigieg or Bernie Sanders.
They were very close [INAUDIBLE] both lead characters
from the movie "Up" won the Iowa caucus tonight.
They're still sorting through the votes,
but even though they are still sorting through votes,
we wanted to check in to see how it's going.
And with us tonight, we are joined
by Allamakee county caucus coordinator
Hal Pembroke, who is--
hello, Hal.
Hal, thank you for joining us.
Hal?
I guess we caught him on his break.
Hal, it's Jimmy Kimmel.
Hal?
Huh?
Oh.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, hi, Hal.
Ah.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Sorry to wake you.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
I guess I-- I must have dozed off.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah, it looks like you did
doze off a little bit there. - Ah.
JIMMY KIMMEL: You OK?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, all right. Great.
Well, wonderful.
Where are you right now?
Uh, I'm in the field.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK.
And that pile of paper in front of you, are those the ballots?
They sure as heck are.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, so you're counting the votes in a field?
HAL PEMBROKE: It's harvest season, Jimmy.
All the indoors are filled with corn right now.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh my goodness.
Well, how is the count going?
Couldn't be better.
I'd say A plus. JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh?
Four stars.
Really going good.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Who is winning your district right now?
That's a heck of a good question.
Let's see.
So far, it's Pete booty giggle?
JIMMY KIMMEL: Eh, Buttigieg. - Buttigieg.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah.
He has one vote.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh.
And so far everyone else has zero.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Wait, you've only counted one vote?
Well, how many votes have you counted, bozo?
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, no--
none.
That's not my job.
Well, whoop de do for you.
You've got a job.
You wear shoes. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, well, listen.
I don't want to turn this into a fight.
Aren't you supposed to be using the new app to count the votes?
Well, I tried the app, but every time I punched in a vote,
a car would come and pick me up.
JIMMY KIMMEL: A car would--
oh, I think you're using the wrong app.
I think that's Uber that you're using.
That explains how I wound up half way to Des Moines.
JIMMY KIMMEL: No. - Hey, what the heck?
Get a-- scooch. Get--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh no.
[INAUDIBLE].
Do your job, Wesley!
Come on.
JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE]
Sleep on the job.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Hal-- Hal, do you have any sense
of how Bernie Sanders is doing?
Oh no, I'm not allowed to count the Bernie votes.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Why not?
Conflict of interest.
He's my grandpa.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh.
Oh, wow, how about that?
Some kind of nepotism deal.
JIMMY KIMMEL: I see. I see.
Hey, listen, I'd love to sit here and shoot the breeze
all day, but I've got to finish this up before the storm blows
in.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, is there a storm coming?
[THUNDER] Oh wow.
They don't call this a tornado alley for nothing.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK.
Looks like she's going to be a big one.
JIMMY KIMMEL: All right.
Well, thank you for talking to us.
- Mr. [INAUDIBLE]? - What?
Are you Mr. [INAUDIBLE]?
[INAUDIBLE] Hal.
Oh, Fernando [INAUDIBLE] I'm the Uber guy.
Uber?
Yeah.
I didn't order one.
But you know? What the hell.
Why not? Let's go.
[INAUDIBLE] - OK.
So long.
JIMMY KIMMEL: You go with the Uber--
Good luck with this. JIMMY KIMMEL: All right.
I'm on top of it.
JIMMY KIMMEL: That's Hal Pembroke in Iowa.
Wow.
[INAUDIBLE]
Sometimes we reach out and give acting jobs to the community.
Thanks for watching.
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And if you didn't like it, well, you hurt my feelings.