-So, again, your alibi is a mysterious stranger,
handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it,
robbed the store, and then, hid the gun in your underpants.
-Well, yeah. If you say it like that, it don't sound believable.
-Oh. Hey, captain, did you get my report on the Finley murder?
-Uh, yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.
-Good. Thanks, dad.
[ Indistinct conversations, radio chatter ]
Why is everyone staring at me?
-You just called Captain Holt, dad.
You said, "Thanks, dad." -What? No, I didn't,
I said thanks, man.
-Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
-No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure,
because you're always bothering me.
-Hey, show your father some respect.
-I didn't call him dad. -No, no, no, no, Jacob,
I take it as a compliment.
-It's not a big deal.
I called Vivian mom once,
and she's my fiance.
-Guys, jump on that!
Boyle has psychosexual issues.
-Old news. But you calling Holt, Daddy?
-Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
-But you did call him dad, dude. -You shut up.
You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
-All right, all right. I was lying about the hold up.
But the dad thing, that happened.
-A-ha!
He admitted that his alibi was a lie.
It was a trap. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
-I believe you.
-Thank you. -Son.
You want to talk about it later
over a game of catch?
-I'd like that.
[ Elevator dings ] -Good morning, Boyle.
-Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.
-After our disagreement yesterday,
I went online to read your culinary blogs and scoff.
To my dismay, I actually learned something
about how food tells a story.
So, I made Kevin this.
-It's warm. -It's a croque monsieur.
Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris
on our first anniversary.
It's one of our most treasured memories.
I'm sure it's not up to your standards,
but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. -Yeah.
-So, thank you for your guidance.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
-Mmm. -It's gross, huh?
-No. It's perfect.
He's a natural chef.
Now I know how Salieri felt.
-Oh. You're back. How did the breakup go?
-I tried to acknowledge his feelings.
It wasn't easy. There were a lot of them.
-I'm just so confused.
It's so sad.
Are you climbing out the window? -No.
I climbed back in and we talked about emotions for 20 minutes.
-Dear God. -Yeah. I know.
But I think it went well, and at least
there was no crying. -Well done, Diaz.
-I'm actually really glad you made me do it this way.
I got to tell him that even though it was ending...
it was incredibly meaningful to me.
And I'm gonna miss him. -Oh, no.
-This is exactly what I didn't want.
-You crying? -[ Groans ]
I deserve that. -Thank you for coming, Diaz.
I want to apologize for yesterday.
Inserting myself into my employee's breakup
with my nephew somehow...
uh, backfired. -It's not your fault.
I'm the one that made a scene like a dumb, crying baby.
I'm considering having my tear ducts melted shut.
-It's not the end of the world to feel...
things.
-I guess not.
It's up there.
The thing is, I really cared about Marcus,
but he wanted to get married, and...
I'm just not ready for that.
And if I'm not ready with a guy as great as Marcus,
then...
what if I'm never ready?
What if that was it, my one chance at love?
What if I never get a second chance?
I don't know.
I'm just...
I'm just sad.
-Well, I-I understand.
It must be very difficult.
-Wait, are you crying?
-Yes.
-Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.
-Thank you for acknowledging mine.
[ Both crying ]
-We're both great at this.
-My train is in 45 minutes.
I don't have to say good-bye to Ray.
I don't want to stress him out. -No.
He specifically asked us to get you.
-Hello, Debbie.
-You made a fort.
-I thought we could talk under here...
about you and Gary.
-What...? [ Telephone ringing ]
[ Scoffs ]
-I'm sorry I was pushing you away.
I want you to know that I'm here for you.
And I would love to be all up in your life.
-Oh, you give me a hug. -[ Laughs ]
-Hey, Gina, we got an anonymous gift basket.
Yeah, it's full of treats, it's got meats, cheeses,
candies, all the food groups.
-The cheese is amazing.
It melts in my mouth and in my hands.
-Huh, French chocolates, French cheeses,
tiny French pickles.
Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift
for Captain Holt from someone in France?
Like his husband, par exemple?
-What? [ Chuckles ] No way.
This is a nice present from an unknown,
appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch.
-What's this then?
"Dear, Captain Raymond Holt, Thinking of you.
Best, Dr. Kevin Costner, PhD.
He even used their pet names.
-Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry.
That's the most intimate snack of them all.
Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in 30 minutes.
What do we do? -Eat the note.
-No! No.
It's okay. We can fix this.
Check it out, sir.
A lovely gift basket
that Kevin sent you all the way from Paris.
-Straight from Paris.
-Stapler.
Scissors.
Rubber bands.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
That man really knows me. [ Laughter ]
-Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today
to answer an age-old question. -Right.
What's Amy's deal? She single?
-No. We're dating. Come on.
The question is, who here does the best impression
of Captain Raymond Holt?
You will be judged on voice, body language,
and overall lack of flair.
Everyone will perform the same scenario.
Captain Holt eating a marshmallow
for the very first time.
Let the Holt off begin.
-What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?
-The sugar in this is quite sweet.
-Ooh! Mm-hm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
-That's your Holt impression? -I could hear him doing that.
-Looks like a sticky pillow.
-I don't care for it.
Classical music. [ Laughter ]
-What's going on here? What are you doing?
-Captain. Hey. Nothing. Just eating some marshmallows.
Care for one? -Marshedmallow?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughs ]
-I knew it.
-Santiago, I'm on the phone. -[ Jake shouting ]
-I'm so sorry, sir.
I can come back later. -No, it's too late.
The call was ruined. Good-bye, dear.
[ Phone thuds ] What do you want?
-Well, since there's a good chance
that things are coming to an end,
I just wanted to say thank you
for everything that you've taught me.
I know you may not see yourself as my mentor, but...
-Of course, I do. I've been mentoring you all this time.
-What?
-This is day 1,282 of a 9-year mentorship
I had mapped out for you, under ordinary circumstances,
I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3,300.
-It was real.
There was a binder. -Not anymore.
-No! You can still mentor me if we don't work together.
We could meet for breakfast every day.
You could teach me over eggs. -Eggs for breakfast?
Further behind than I thought. -[ Gasps ]
No, look. Okay. There are 10 hours left, sir.
If you talk fast enough, you can teach me everything.
-Interesting. Okay.
You have to take notes. Do you think you can keep up?
-Let's just say I was president
of the Stenographers Club in high school for a reason.
-Was the reason because you were the only member?
-Yes. -5 minutes left.
What have I missed? Professional handshake.
-We did that, fingers with a half centimeter spread, up,
down, then separate. -Good.
Acceptable fabrics.
-Cotton or cotton blend.
Wool is for outerwear only.
And silk is for sex workers or musicians.
-Right. Good desserts. -There are none.
If you were hungry, you should have had more dinner.
-That's it. We're done.
You've been mentored. -[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God, we did it!
I can't believe we did it.
Oh, no.
We did it.
It's over.
-Yes, I agree.
Up, Down.
Separation.
-Separation.
-Is this seat taken?
You really got to do this, Diaz?
-My name is Rachel Weinstein.
I'm a graduate student on sabbatical to study birds
at the University of Buenos Aires.
-You know, Cornell has a far better ornithology department,
and it's right here in New York.
-Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank
and is gonna send me to jail for 15 years.
-I guess we're dropping the metaphor.
-I don't know why you're here.
You're not gonna change my mind.
-I know.
I just wanted to say good-bye. -Okay. Good-bye.
-I hope you know your family's going to miss you.
-I don't care. I barely speak to them.
-I was talking about the Nine-Nine.
Be safe, Rachel Weinstein.
Yes. You should be very proud of yourself.
I know things aren't exactly where you want to be right now,
but, um, I promise you they will improve.
-Thank you, Captain. -Every time someone steps up
and says who they are,
the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
So...
Thank you.
We are here today to celebrate the marriage
of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago.
I've known you both for the last 5 years,
and it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting,
childish rivalry evolve into a distracting,
childish courtship, and now into what I'm sure
will be a distracting, childish marriage.
I'm proud of you.
And I love you both.
-Permission to say it back? -Permission granted.
-Love you too, sir. -Love you, Captain.
-That was a stop. I give up.
I want you to know, I'm sorry for prying.
Win this thing and enjoy your day off.
And if you ever want a friend to sit with you
and silently listen to death metal, just know...
I'm always here.
-Okay. I'd like that.
-[ Breathing heavily ] No. What are you freaks doing?
-We're leaving the competition.
Some things are more important than a game.
-No they're not. Wait. Where are you going?!
Don't leave! We need you to...
[ Metal plays in headphones ]
-You like it? -Not at all.
-You can leave. -Not a chance.
-There's no sign of Peralta out here.
Did you hear anything on the wire?
-No. It never came back on.
Do you think he's okay? -Sh.
-What? -Do you hear...?
-Yes, I do.
That's the jingle of Cheddar's collar.
[ Dog barks ] -And that's his bark!
[ Triumphant music plays ]
-Oh! It's our fluffy boy!
Good dog. -Oh.
-Good dog. -Oh, Mr. Cheddar,
how I've missed you. -We both have.
-I know you're in a lot of pain.
-But we don't have any meds here.
You just got to try not to focus on it.
Can you distract her? -I got this.
Hey, Amy. They come out with any new binders recently?
-I don't want to talk about binders, Rosa!
-All right. That was my big gun. She's just gonna feel this.
-Not necessarily, I was just checking to see
if there's anything we can do to help.
And I hate to say it, but I think there is.
-Oh, you think he's going to get me drugs from evidence?
-Uh, no.
Something way weirder is happening.
-Hit it, Jeffords. ["Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa plays]
-♪ Ah, push it ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
-♪ Ow, get up on this ♪
♪ Ah, push it ♪
-♪ Get up on this ♪ -I am totally distracted.
-♪ Ow, baby ♪
♪ Salt and Pepa's here ♪
-We wanted to apologize.
-And if you want to gloat about how you outsmarted us.
Go ahead. We deserve it.
-I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night.
I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation.
But it didn't feel right because I had no one to toast with.
I want to share my glee.
I had one, but...
I was alone.
And I realized this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin.
Trying to win therapy.
And it hit me.
I care so much about winning...
That I've lost everything.
[ Rain pattering ]
-Tell Kevin how you feel.
-It's raining. You could run to him.
-This is the real world, Santiago.
Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day.
People don't run to each other in the rain.
-Raymond.
Raymond Holt! -Kevin?
[ Rain continues ] Raymond!
♪♪
Raymond. Am I too late?
-Too late?
-My friend saw your dating profile and your photo
without collar stays...
I thought I'd lost you.
-You will never lose me.
I'll do anything to keep you.
I'll compromise on everything, the work, the --
[ Romantic music plays ]
♪♪
-Nancy Meyers never fails.
-Now that we're doing it, it feels kind of weird
to be staring at your friends while they kiss.
-You kidding? It's beautiful.
-I love you. -I love you.
-We are gathered here to affirm
the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Costner.
-We don't have to do this, everyone who's not family
has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
-No, this is important.
Kevin Costner.
When we first got married, I thought of it primarily
as a legal contract.
Which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code,
301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
-And yet he can't remember Mack's name.
-But I finally learned what marriage really is.
It's not something you can memorize
or an equation you can solve for.
It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes,
and that feeling is all that matters.
Which is why I will now
purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory,
so that I will have room to remember this moment forever.
♪♪
It's done. -Hope it is.
-Raymond Holt, do you promise
to continue to live in this marriage?
For richer or poorer, through sickness and in health,
as long as you two both shall live?
-I do. -And Kevin Cos--
-Yes, yes, we're still married.
We really have to go.
-On my first day here,
I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone,
told me you were a great detective,
but the one thing you couldn't figure out
was how to grow up.
Well...
I think, you finally figured it out.
-Well, thank you, sir.
I couldn't have done it without you.
-Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me
as something of a father figure. -Did I? I didn't realize that.
-But I want you to know.
If I had had a son...
And, uh, he had turned out like you...
...I would be very proud of him.
-Thank you, sir.
Wow.
I wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
-It's not bad for an old robot, huh?
[ Imitates robot ] Need more sleep.
-[ Chuckles ] Sir.
Did you just make a joke? -I believe I did.
Yes, I guess in the end,
we rubbed off on each other quite a bit.
Title of your sex movie.
Did I do that right?
-It was perfect.
-Squad. If I could have your attention, please.
I'm being transferred to the public relations office.
I'm leaving the Nine-Nine effective immediately.
-What the hell? -I don't understand.
-What the hell? -Why are you doing this?
-What the hell? -I want to say
it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you
for the past 21-and-a-half months.
I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
-Pretty consistent tone, actually.
-These have been the...
These have been the best years of my career.
-Oh, no. This is new.
-And I know that...
every one of you...
gave me everything you had.
And I will never forget it.
-Go back to being robot captain.
-[ Chuckles ]
[ Imitates robot ] Need more...
Sleep.
[ Clears throat ]
Dismissed.
[ Telephone ringing ]