Elon Musk, founder of Tesla
and man who's definitely shouted the phrase "Eliminate him."
He's best known for embracing the most futuristic technology,
but now he's moved from crashing self-driving cars
to crashing Bitcoin.
SHEPARD SMITH: One of Bitcoin's most famous promoters
has just turned on the cryptocurrency,
Elon Musk tweeting earlier this hour
you cannot buy Tesla with Bitcoin anymore
due to the "rapidly increasing use of fossil fuels
for Bitcoin mining and transactions."
Cryptocurrency has long had a huge carbon footprint.
Bitcoin plunging on the news here,
falling ten percent.
That's right, people. From now on,
people will no longer be able to say
"I bought my Tesla with Bitcoin."
So now they'll have to find a new way
to be unlikable at parties.
But it is shocking to hear this coming from Elon Musk.
Because he has been the guy promoting Bitcoin.
And, now, he says the reason he's doing this
is because of environmental concerns,
but part of me thinks the truth is
he probably just lost his Bitcoin password.
I mean, maybe he wrote it down on a Post-it note
somewhere and lost it, or
on his kid's birth certificate.
But this really goes to show you
that Bitcoin has a long way to go as a currency.
Because most established currencies don't go up and down
based on a random social media post, right?
Like, you wouldn't see the effects in real life.
Like, can you imagine trying to pay a dollar for a candy bar,
but then the cashier is like,
"Whoa, buddy, that stuff's worthless now.
"Didn't you see Khloe Kardashian's latest selfie?
Yeah. Oh, buddy."
Let's move on now to the coronavirus vaccine.
It's the reason you now have specific opinions
about pharmaceutical companies.
Authorities all over the world have been trying out
different ways of enticing people to get vaccinated.
Today in New York City, Shake Shack
announced that it will give free french fries
to anyone who shows their vaccination card.
And because you're vaccinated, it's safe to suck the ketchup
straight out of the dispenser again.
Which is really cool.
Wait, you're not supposed to do that?
And free fries are nice, but Ohio
has come up with a gimmick that blows everything else away.
Ohio is offering its residents a shot
at winning a million dollars
along with their COVID vaccine shots.
Governor Mike DeWine announced that, beginning May 26,
the state will draw one vaccine recipient
to win one million dollars.
This will happen every week for five weeks.
Well, governor, you're probably getting an A for creativity,
but you're getting an F for, "Huh?
Is this the right thing to do?"
And you're getting bipartisan criticism on both sides.
I know there will be some people who say, well,
"That's-that's a waste."
No-no one has tried this, and we just thought
that it was worth to try this to do it.
Now, this idea is awesome.
I support it 100%. And I know some people will say,
"But isn't helping to save humanity
enough of an incentive to get vaccinated?"
To which I say,
"Hell no!"
Have you seen humanity?
Its full of jerks who will only get vaccinated
if there's money in it for them.
I mean, forget vaccines-- I think the government
should use this for every public health measure.
If public bathrooms pumped out a lottery ticket whenever
you washed your hands, you'd be able to eat off the doorknobs.
As opposed to now, when we have to open bathroom doors
with our elbows, like we never evolved hands.
Eh, eh, eh, eh...
But, hopefully, this does convince some anti-vaxxers
to get the shot. You know?
The only awkward part is that if they actually win,
then they're gonna explain to their anti-vax friends
how they got rich.
No, guys, dude, it's totally not what you think, man.
No, I... I'm in, like, human trafficking.
Dale, I swear, dude...
So, look, I support doing whatever it takes
to get people vaccinated.
But you've got to admit this is the epitome
of a first-world problem.
How can we convince people
to take all the extra vaccines
that we have lying around?
Hmm. What if we give them
all the extra money we have lying around?
Meanwhile, Africa is over here like,
(heavy African accent): "Ah, yes, well done, guys.
"You cracked it, eh? (chuckles)
You cracked it.
(regular accent): And by the way, the best part
about this lottery is that you don't
have to worry about holding on to a ticket.
Yeah, you see, if you win, they'll just find you
using the microchip in your bloodstream.
And, finally, Instagram--
Twitter for hot people.
These days, there's so much content on Instagram,
it's harder than ever to get noticed.
It's not enough to just copy a dance from a Black kid anymore.
White girls are scouring whole new ethnic groups to steal from.
It is out of control.
And now, one would-be influencer is in trouble
for a viral stunt that she couldn't quite pull off.
NEWSWOMAN: And The Miami Herald reports
a 28-year-old woman allegedly posed
as a high school student to promote her Instagram page.
Police say Audrey Francisquini tried to blend in with students
at the Miami area school Monday.
They say she had a backpack and she carried a skateboard
as she walked through the hallways handing out pamphlets
printed with her Instagram account while recording herself.
Security officers tried to catch her, but she got away.
They later tracked her down through her Instagram page
and arrested her.
She faces charges including burglary and resisting arrest.
No, people, no, no, no.
A woman posed as a teenager on Instagram
and she thought she could get away with it
by carrying a backpack and a skateboard?
Yo, that’s, like, the official uniform
of old people trying to pretend that they're teenagers.
Like, when narcs get kicked off the force,
they have to hand over their gun, their badge
and their skateboard. It's a thing.
I mean, this must have been so embarrassing for this woman.
And also for Matt Gaetz when he found out
he was hitting on a 28-year-old.
That's not his swag.
And the saddest thing is,
after all the work she did
and all of that drama, she didn't even
end up with a cool story for the 'Gram.
Or did she?
But, guys, I wish people would realize
that your worth as a human being is not defined
by how many followers you have
or how popular you are on the Internet.
What really matters is that you're a good person
who is kind to other people
and lives with integrity.
Man, I got to post that. That's gonna get so many likes.
That's dope.