Wesley's getting ready
for the President's Day school pageant.
He's stuck playing Taft, and nobody gives a rat's ass
about Taft, but he might still get to play Lincoln
because his friend Danny, the one they like so much,
because he never does anything wrong,
was supposed to play Lincoln but got pulled
from school today by his parents.
Why?
"He got caught with this stuff called AIDS."
"AIDS?"
AIDS.
"Oh my God."
Oh. My. God.
"Boy, he must really be in trouble."
(laugh track intensifies)
With that laugh track, kid? We're all in trouble.
Marsha calls the school Super AIDStendant,
who says they're positive Danny's positive.
George is confused because Danny is, like, seven.
Way too young to be rearranging guts without a rubber.
Mr. Belvedere says Danny is a hemophiliac and must've gotten
a bad sack of the red stuff in a transfusion.
And while they check donor blood now,
everyone was too busy seeing Ghostbusters a few years back
to dot the I's and cross the T-cells.
They ask Wes if he knows what AIDS is.
"I mean, it's real bad
and you get in real bad trouble if you get caught with it.
Sort of like shoplifting."
(laugh track intensifies)
This fucking laugh track.
They explain AIDS is a disease and Danny is sick.
Wesley asks when Danny will get better.
They say hard to know, hopefully by Ghostbusters 2.
Wesley asks if Danny will be sick all week.
Mr. Belvedere says it might be two weeks.
"Boy, no school! Lucky duck."
(laugh track intensifies)
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Wesley's friends say they heard
he's replacing Danny as Lincoln.
Wesley says that's correct and,
"If you gimme a bite of your cupcake,
I'll free ya."
and holy shit,
he's lucky that young man didn't slap
the cupcake taste right out of his mouth.
Wesley's going to Danny's later
and asks if anyone else is trying to party.
The gang say he's crazy for trying to party
because this AIDS stuff is BNN: Bad News Nowadays.
One kid's mom said you get sicker and sicker.
Then, your arms and legs fall off.
Then, after you no longer have arms or legs, you die.
Yeah, and you can get AIDS just
by touching someone or talking on the phone!
Then they realize Wesley did all that shit with Danny.
Cupcake Kid gives Wesley his tainted pAIDStry.
Whole gang deuces.
Marsha wants to know where Wesley is
and Heather says he's been in the bath
for over an hour trying to scrub the AIDS away.
Marsha asks if Wesley said anything about ya know...
"You mean AIDS mom?"
"Thank you."
Thank you.
Danny swings by and it goes great.
"Hi Danny."
"Hi Mrs. Owens, Mr. Owens."
"Hiya champ, how's it going?"
"Well I got AIDS, but other than that, I'm doing pretty good."
(laugh track intensifies)
Certainly the worst laugh track use in this episode,
strong contender for worst laugh track use of all time.
Danny tries to give Wesley his Lincoln costume.
Wesley says miss me with that bullshit
and abandons Danny faster than his immune system.
Danny apologizes for having AIDS, then sulks away
to check his many jacket pockets and see
if one of them maybe has the cure for this thing.
The parents want to know why Wesley spazzed.
He says friends told him you can get AIDS
just by swinging on the same swing.
His family explains you can get AIDS
by swinging on the same swing,
but you need to be banging each other on that swing
or sharing dirty swing needles
or doing a wildly dangerous swangin' blood transfusion
with whoopsie-daisy no-no blood.
Marsha says parents get nervous
since boys will be boys and that means
roughhousing, getting scrapes and
"Sharing the same ice cream bar."
Wesley says he feels better, and by the way,
did all those things with Danny,
and now he's got everybody shook
about his knee scab body count and mint chip homie licks.
George is reading Wikipedia Classic and doesn't understand
why there's nothing in here about AIDS.
Mr. Belvedere explains it was printed in 1957,
years before the US government invented it.
Marsha comes home from the library
because life was hell before the internet,
and says she printed out facts,
and these facts say relax.
Doctors agree you cannot get AIDS
from karate class or ice cream
unless it's ass karate
or pralines and heroin.
Wesley tries to pay Mr. Belvedere
to make a new Lincoln costume
because if the fellas at school
catch him in Danny's threads,
his social life will be the one with a terminal illness.
Mr. B says he'll take care of the costume thing
and puts it on Kevin, and Kevin makes this plaid disaster
because there's also no cure for bad taste.
Wesley doesn't know where he'll ever find a costume in time.
Mr. Belvedere says he knows a guy.
Danny comes by, using the backdoor
like a sidepiece, and hands over the threads.
Wesley's being a real prick, and Danny says
it was nice being his friend.
Wesley responds with,
"It's not my fault you got AIDS."
Which is a brutally insensitive thing to say
but damned if it ain't the truth.
Wesley realizes he's approaching the Dingus Hall Of Fame
and asks Danny if he wants to come to the pageant.
Danny says he's not allowed at school
and Wesley says they'll sneak him in,
not dissimilar to the virus that hitched
a ride in his blood transfusion.
The President's Day pageant is
awesome if you like boring shit.
It's time for Wesley to do the Gettysburg Address,
the Stairway To Heaven of the President's Day pageant,
but he can't because something's not right,
so he decides to make things right.
"This is Danny O'Neil and he was supposed to play Lincoln
but he couldn't cause he's got AIDS."
"Hey! What are you doing out here?"
"Dennis, get away from him!"
Jeez! Tough room!
Wesley gives Danny his hat, and since the Gettysburg Address
is too long for a sitcom, AIDSbraham Lincoln farts out
a second-string Lincoln quote and the crowd goes wild.
Wesley and Danny are post-pageant hangin'
and Wesley says it feels like fishing.
Danny's never been fishing and Wesley says they should go,
then make a list of stuff Danny's never done and do it all!
Danny says that sounds nice, but he has full-blownsies,
so let's be realistic and keep it to one page double-spaced.
First on that list?
Road trip to Gettysburg.
And Mr. Belvedere blogs that he took them to Gettysburg,
then an amusement park, and Danny and Wesley said
now they only have 2,763 more things to do
on their list of fun acHIVities,
only they never do any of them
because we never see Danny ever again
because he probably fucking killed himself,
or, ya know,
died of AIDS.
So, what did we learn today?
If you're doing a sitcom episode about AIDS,
give the laugh track guy the day off.
And if you're trying to teach your kid
about something serious,
give them all the facts,
the correct facts.
Because the kids at school are dumb and full of shit.
And you can't get AIDS from ice cream cones and cupcakes,
unless you're eating them while you have unprotected sex.
And don't be mean to a friend who just found they have AIDS
because their week is already not going great
and now is when they need a friend the most.
And bad things can happen to anyone,
even nice kids who do nothing wrong,
and there's no pair of glasses thick enough
to help you see it coming.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.