- Thank you so much for f***ing coming to this show.
Give it for yourselves.
Now I put this show together
because I love comedy a whole f***ing lot.
And I hate that comedy's kind of spread out.
So I got comics from different genres
and different styles and all come on this stage
and have a good time with ya'll tonight.
(cheering)
I been traveling a lot.
I been leaving the country.
I left the country while Trump was president.
Don't do that.
Cause people got a lot of shit to say to you.
Like to your face.
And be very mean.
They be trashin' America, and I don't even like America,
but I'm gonna defend America.
Cause you ain't gonna talk about my homie like that.
You know how I knew this shit was weird?
Is when Trump started bullying the CIA.
Right?
Trump was bullying the CIA.
And I'm a young black dude who listens primarily to hip hop
and I was like hey, leave the CIA alone.
People say wild shit now since Trump president.
He ain't my president.
Trump ain't my president.
He ain't my president.
Like we're on Maury.
Trump ain't my president,
I don't know what's goin' on.
Democracy or thot, this shit crazy as hell.
And we gotta wait for Maury to go
you are a U.S. citizen.
Trump's my president.
Trump's my president the same way my stepdad is my stepdad.
I didn't see it coming.
He's really annoying on Twitter.
And he's only here cause a woman
didn't do a good enough job.
I love doin' that joke.
Watch a white woman's face crumple up and shit,
it's good times, good times.
People wanted Michelle to run.
Remember when they wanted Michelle to run
and be president and shit?
Just cause she did one good speech.
She ain't gonna do that shit.
She saw what happened to Barry.
Remember when we first saw Barack.
He was young and stoic and handsome.
And then he left a sith lord.
Ya'll remember that shit.
He was like hope and change.
And we he left, he was like drones.
Drones!
I want there to be hella female presidents.
I want there to be so many female presidents,
that we get to our first female Donald Trump.
Cause that means we're gonna have
our first male Melania Trump.
And that shit's gonna be hilarious.
You know that time we have this f***ing douchebag
Kevin Federline a**.
Know what I'm sayin', like givin' a tour of the White House
wearin' sweatpants, eatin' cereal.
Hey what's up, ya'll, my name's Lawrence.
Ya'll ready?
I be smashin' the president right here.
And I be smashin' the president right here.
I be smashin' the president over there.
I be smashin' the president underneath
that picture of former president Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
She give the State of the Union speech.
Baby!
Hey baby!
Hootie hoo.
Hootie hoo baby!
Oh baby!
Tell 'em about my mix tape.
Girl better tell 'em bout my goddamn mix tape.
Bro, you ever been in a family fight
but it ain't your family?
I went on this date with this girl,
she made me go meet her parents.
She had a dad and a stepmom.
I grew up with a stepdad, I know what it's like.
We might throw blows, say some mean shit,
but it's all love.
Stepmother stepdaughter.
Women just say mean shit to each other
but with cordial ass faces.
Motherfucker.
And it's just crazy to watch.
So I was sittin' there, I'm not gonna lie,
the girl I was with she start it.
She said the first thing, hey Janet,
how was your day with that lopsided ass face?
Mom fire right back.
I don't know, how's it feel to live with your parents
even though you're already growin' a mustache?
And I was like hey ya'll, this tortellini
good as f***.
They started firin' off,
back and forth, and back and forth,
back and forth.
Outta nowhere the mom took it to the next level,
well you know what, your dad got a little ass dick.
She was like
I was like oooh.
The dad was like what the f*** did I do?
We get in the car, she complain about it the whole time.
Tell me my dad has a little dick.
I'm just like I don't know, kinda makes sense.
Right?
I think you get a lot of your tendencies from your parents.
I have a lot of my mom's tendencies.
She has a lot of her dad's little dick tendencies.
You guys never met a girl
who acts like she got a little dick?
You can tell when a girl has a dad with a big dick.
They're very decisive,
they know what they want in this world.
Hey where do you wanna go eat?
I want shrimp pasta, a Poptart, and that dick.
Alright, well it's time to go,
it's time to get up outta here.
That doesn't just apply to women,
that applies to men too. There's a bunch of dudes in here
with dry snatch attitudes.
And I see you.
Not me.
Ya'll see me, up here, drippin' with ego.
I walk around with my mama got
good pussy confidence.
I did comedy one time at the age of 18
in Seattle, Washington,
move down to L.A. with no friends and no family.
Everyone was like how'd you do that?
Where'd you get all the confidence to do that?
Cause my mama be puttin' d*** to sleep.