WELCOME, ONE AT ALL TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THAT WELCOME.
YOU'RE ALREADY A WAY BETTER AUDIENCE FOR THIS WEEK'S
CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE,
OR CPAC, WHICH WAS NOT C-PACKED. TURNS OUT, CPAC REALLY STANDS
FOR "CRAZY TO PUT UP ALL THESE CHAIRS."
THE CROWD THAT DID ATTEND WAS MOSTLY RABID MAGA SUPPORTERS,
SO IT'S NO SURPRISE THE FORMER PRESIDENT GOT 62% OF THE VOTE
COMPARED TO 20% FOR FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS
IN THE ANNUAL STRAW POLL. SO HE'S EITHER REALLY POPULAR OR
STRAW POLL VOTERS JUST VOTED FOR THE PERSON WHOSE HAIR LOOKS MOST
LIKE STRAW. THE FORMER PRESIDENT USED HIS
SPEECH TO RE-RELAUNCH HIS 2024 CAMPAIGN, AND IT GOT REAL
CREEPY REAL FAST. >> IN 2016, I DECLARED,
I AM YOUR VOICE. TODAY, I ADD, I AM YOUR WARRIOR,
I AM YOUR JUSTICE, AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN WRONGED
AND BETRAYED, I AM YOUR RETRIBUTION.
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY HARSH. I HAVEN'T HEARD A POLITICAL
SPEECH THIS DARK SINCE H.W. BUSH AT THE 1992
REPUBLICAN CONVENTION. >> READ MY LIPS.
I'LL KILL CLINTON'S DOG. >> Stephen: BUT IT WASN'T ALL
TERRIFYING PREVIEWS OF THE FASCISM TO COME.
THERE WAS ALSO SOME SILLY STUFF LIKE WHEN HE SAID THIS ABOUT THE
BORDER WALL. >> AS YOU KNOW, I BUILT HUNDREDS
OF MILES OF WALL AND BIDEN, THEY TOOK IT AWAY.
THEY ACTUALLY TOOK IT AWAY AND THEY HID IT.
THEY PUT IT IN A HIDING AREA. >> Stephen: YES, THEY HID IT
IN A HIDING AREA. WHERE IS THAT?
MAYBE YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE NEW MAGA KIDS' BOOK,
"WHERE WALL GO." OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE
A SPEECH FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT WITHOUT SOME CLASSIC
MOUTH-OOPSIES. LIKE WHEN HE TRIED TO GO
AFTER THE MANHATTAN D.A. WHO'S INVESTIGATING HIM.
>> THE RACIST MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNE, ALVIN BRAGG, WHO IS
PRESIDING OVER ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS AND VIOLENT
CITIES IN THE UNITED STRAIGHTS. >> Stephen: YES, THE UNITED
STRAIGHTS OF AMERICA. ALSO KNOWN AS THE CROWD
AT A DAVE MATTHEWS CONCERT. SO, PRETTY EMBARRASSING THAT HE
MISPRONOUNCED THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE
DID IT A SECOND TIME. >> I WILL CHALLENGE THE
GOVERNORS OF ALL 50 SPATES. >> Stephen: YES.
YES, YES, HE WILL CHALLENGE THE GOVERNORS
OF ALL 50 SPATES. LIKE ALABAPA, IPADO,
WAPPINGTON, AND MIPPIPPIPPI. THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO
ANNOUNCED HIS SUPPORT FOR A POLICY THAT WOULD GIVE TAX
BREAKS TO NEW PARENTS LIVING IN CERTAIN AREAS.
BUT IT GOT KINDA WEIRD. >> WE WILL SUPPORT BABY BOOMERS
AND WE WILL SUPPORT BABY BONUSES FOR A NEW BABY BOOM.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND? THAT SOUNDS.
I WANT A BABY BOOM. OH, YOU MEN ARE SO LUCKY
OUT THERE, YOU'RE SO LUCKY. YOU ARE SO LUCKY, MEN.
>> Stephen: WAIT? WAIT, LUCKY 'CAUSE SEX?
DOES HE THINK WIVES ONLY HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS
IF THERE'S MONEY INVOLVED? OH, YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
THAT MAKES SENSE. OKAY, YEAH.
I CAN SEE WHY. THE EX-PRESIDENT ALSO WANTS TO
MAKE AN INVESTMENT IN FLYING CARS.
ARE HIS POLICIES BEING WRITTEN BY AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD?
"SO WE HAVE COOL AWESOME CITIES AND EVERYBODY GETS AROUND
IN A FLYING CAR, AND THERE'S AN AWESOME TREE FORT
WITH A SLIDE, AND ALL OF THE DRINKING FOUNTAINS HAVE
CHOCOLATE MILK IN THEM, AND DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON
IS NAMED OFFICIAL "SECRETARY OF BEING MY FRIEND FOR LIFE" AND
MOMMY GETS MONEY FOR HAVING SEX WITH DADDY."
THAT'S WHAT I DID THIS SUMMER. THE FORMER PREZ MAY HAVE BEEN
THE ONLY CANDIDATE PEOPLE CARED ABOUT, BUT HE WASN'T THE
ONLY CANDIDATE WHO SPOKE AT CPAC.
NIKKI HALEY DESCRIBED THE GREATEST PUBLIC HEALTH
EMERGENCY WE'VE EVER FACED. >> WOKENESS IS A VIRUS MORE
DANGEROUS THAN ANY PANDEMIC, HANDS DOWN.
>> Stephen: YES, WOKENESS IS SUCH A DANGEROUS VIRUS THAT
IT APPARENTLY KILLED TWO-THIRDS OF HER AUDIENCE.
GOT TO BE STOPPED. IT'S THE PRONOUNS.
HALEY WASN'T THE ONLY ONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHOUT NONSENSE
INTO AN EMPTY ROOM. HERE'S LAUREN BOEBERT
COMPLAINING ABOUT BIG GOVERNMENT IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE.
>> THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS BECOME TOO BIG.
THE ONLY THREE LETTERS OUR FOUNDING FATHERS EVER THOUGHT
WERE NECESSARY ARE "USA." >> STEPHONE: THAT'S A HELL OF
AN EXCUSE FOR NOT LEARNING THE REST OF THE ALPHABET.
"THE FOUNDING FATHERS WANTED US TO BE NUMBER ONE!
SOCIALISTS WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THERE ARE BIGGER NUMBERS LIKE...
FIVE-TEEN AND THRUPLE." NO GATHERING OF REPUBLICANS
WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT SOME GOOD OLD DOWN HOME
RED-MEAT PANDERING. TAKE IT AWAY, JOHN-NOT-THAT-JOHN
KENNEDY-KENNEDY. >> WHAT ELSE IS THE TRUTH?
THE TRUTH IS THAT GOD IS GREAT, BEER IS GOOD, AND THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA IS STAR SPANGLED AWESOME.
>> Stephen: DID HE WRITE HIS SPEECH WITH MAGNETIC POETRY?
"EAGLES ARE PATRIOTS! GUNS ARE MEN.
TRUCKS ARE DAD. JESUS IS FOOTBALL.
AMEN, HIKE!" ONE G.O.P. CONTENDER NOTABLY
ABSENT FROM CPAC WAS FLORIDA GOVERNOR DESANTIS.
DESANTIS RECENTLY TOOK OVER THE BOARD THAT CONTROLS DISNEY
WORLD'S DEVELOPMENT DISTRICT. AND ONE OF DESANTIS' NEW
APPOINTEES IS FORMER PASTOR AND MIDDLE SCHOOL HEALTH TEACHER
PRONOUNCING EVERY SYLLABLE IN "MENSTRUATION," RON PERI.
PERI IS GETTING SOME ATTENTION FOR THIS COMMENT HE MADE
IN 2022. >> WHY ARE THERE HOMOSEXUALS
TODAY? THERE ARE ANY NUMBER OF REASONS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ESTROGEN IN THE WATER FROM BIRTH CONTROL
PILLS. THEY CAN'T GET IT OUT.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT A THING.
BUT IF YOU ARE CONCERNED, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS A NEW
SPONSOR JUST FOR YOU. >> "ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT
TAP WATER TURNING YOU GAY? THEN TRY "MAN WATER",
♪ MAN WATER ♪ THE FIRST BOTTLED WATER THAT'S
FILTERED THROUGH BEEF JERKY AND THEN EXPOSED TO STRAIGHT
PORN. THIS WATER HAS NEVER CRIED
OR WATCHED "THELMA AND LOUISE". ♪ MAN WATER ♪
IT WAS ALSO RAISED BY A COLD, DISTANT FATHER THAT NEVER SAID
"I LOVE YOU." MAN WATER.
"WATER" YOU WAITING FOR, MAN? >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE NICK KROLL
AND CONGRESSMAN JIM HIMES. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
WE GO TO HEALTH IN A HANDBASKET. STICK AROUND.