LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE THING YOU LEARN DOING A NIGHTLY TALK
SHOW IS THAT THINGS KEEP HAPPENING.
FOLLOWING THE NEWS IS LIKE BEING ON A TREADMILL, EXCEPT THAT I'M
GAINING MORE WEIGHT.
AND, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, ALL THAT NEWS OUT THERE IS CRAZY
RIGHT NOW.
I REALLY WANT TO BELIEVE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BETTER, BUT
IT'S TOUGH.
AND SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
I MEAN IF-- JON, COULD PLAY A LITTLE "CLEAR
MY HEAD MUSIC" FOR ME RIGHT NOW.
FOLKS, EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE WALK TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
YOU OKAY WITH THAT, JON?
>> Jon: YEAH, GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
WHAT IF THINGS NEVER DO GET BETTER?
I MEAN, THE WHOLE ECONOMY COULD COLLAPSE.
THE DOLLAR COULD PLUMMET.
THE HOUSING MARKET WOULD IMPLODE.
THEN WE'D ALL END UP LIVING IN TRASH CANS.
>> HEY!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT!
>> Stephen: OSCAR THE GROUCH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WELL, STEPHEN, I OVERHEARD YOU WERE FEELING DOWN, SO I CAME
TO ENJOY IT.
>> Stephen: WELL, ENJOY, BUT EVEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, OSCAR,
THINGS ARE REALLY MESSED UP RIGHT NOW!
>> OH, I KNOW.
AND I LOVE IT!
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
>> SURE!
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG, IT CHEERS ME UP.
AND I CAN'T STAND BEING CHEERED UP, SO THAT MAKES ME GROUCHY
AGAIN.
AND I LOVE BEING GROUCHY.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS COMPLICATED.
>> REALLY?
PRESCHOOLERS SEEM TO GET IT.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE SAYING IF I JUST WAIT LONG ENOUGH
THINGS WILL COME AROUND AND GET BETTER?
WHAT?
NO, THEY'LL GET EVEN WORSE.
AND FOR ME THAT'S EVEN BETTER.
GET IT?
>> Stephen: I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
♪ PEOPLE SAY THE NIGHT IS DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN
♪ PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS AND USUALLY THEY'RE WRONG.
♪ WELL, I REFUSE TO STAND HERE AND SAY LIFE IS JUST A CURSE.
>> I AGREE!
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
>> YEAH!
♪ THINGS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO GET BETTER...
BEFORE THEY GET WORSE.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE IS FIGHTING BACK IN WASHINGTON, D.C
♪ WELL I DON'T READ THE PAPERS SO THAT'S ALL NEEZ TO ME
♪ LIFE IS GETTING MESSY, BUT WE'RE IN THIS MESS TOGETHER
♪ THINGS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO GET WORSE
♪ BEFORE THEY GET BETTER.
>> HEY, WAIT!
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU TRICKED ME ♪ THE NEWS IS OVERWHELMING AND
IT'S HARD THIEF THE COUCH ♪ BUT HUMANS ARE INGENIOUS,
WE'RE NOT A BUNCH OF QUITTERS ♪ YOU STILL HAVE FAITH IN
HUMANES AFTER LOGGING ON TO TWITTER?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
♪ JUST REMEMBER AT YOUR LOWEST THAT YOU STILL CAN SEE THE SKY
♪ AS A PASSING PIGEON AIMS DIRECTLY FOR YOUR EYE
♪ JUST LET ME GET THE UPPER HAND ON THIS, OUR FINAL VERSE.
♪ THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BETTER...
♪ BEFORE THEY GET WORSE ♪ AND THEM BETTER
♪ BUT THEN WORSE ♪ BUT THEN WORSE.
♪ BUT THEN BETTER.
>> Stephen: GOTCHA!
>> OH!
OH I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, STEPHEN.
THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
( APPLAUSE )
THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
>> Stephen: WELL, OSCAR, YOU REALLY ALWAYS DO SEE THE GARBAGE
CAN AS HALF FULL.
>> YUP.
AND IF I EVER RUN OUT OF THINGS TO BE GROUCHY ABOUT I WROTE THEM
ALL DOWN IN A BOOK.
>> Stephen: YOU MEAN "THE PURSUIT OF GROUCHINESS: OSCAR
OF GROACH'S GUIDE TO LIFE."
>> IN BOOK STORES AND TRASH CANS EVERYWHERE.
>> Stephen: IN THAT ORDER.
OSCAR THE GROUCH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.