Welcome to Dark Corners Star Wars special.
‘Our story begins in a time long, long ago’
And presumably in a galaxy far, far away.
‘Yub-nub’
We’re looking at the two spin-off TV movies featuring the E, E, E, E, Ewoks
‘I sure hope this works’
Spoilers: it doesn’t
‘I like them’
Well you are the demographic.
‘I wish we had furry creatures like you where I came from’
A wish that George Lucas shared as he hoped Ewoks would replace Teddy bears.
'music plays'
Of course when these films were made the legend ‘Story by George Lucas’ was a mark of quality,
Whereas now....
‘Trouble, big trouble’
Caravan of Courage follows a family stranded on the forest moon of Endor.
'Where are those two?'
While the parents are kidnapped by John Travolta in Battlefield Earth.
The children, Mace and Cindel, meet a family of Ewoks,
who spend their days in hilarious slapstick routines with goats.
and who take them in.
They don’t live up a tree? These are clearly trailer trash Ewoks.
‘These little bears are nuts’
They all set out to rescue the parents who, for reasons passing understanding, the gorax hasn’t bothered to eat.
How big is the hole in their cage?! Why don’t you rescue yourselves you lazy buggers!
'come on let's get out of here!'‘
Maybe they just wanted a break from their kids, especially Mace
'Help!'
The idea of going through a second film with him is painful
‘Mommy, Mace: they’re dead’
Well that’s a relief, but it makes the whole first film kind of pointless.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’
Cindel’s family are offed by new bad guys
‘I want the power’
leaving only Cindel and Wicket, who now speaks English
‘Goodbye?’
How can goodbye not have come up previously?
The other Ewoks are kidnapped; Wicket and Cindel must rescue them
'if we don't help them. they're gonna die.'‘
Although it doesn’t seem to be top of their ‘to do’ list,
'Nobody lives here.anymore, we can clean up and this can be our house.'
even though this time they have the help of Santa Claus.
Tell me about your mother?
'What do you remember about her that makes you happy.'
who apparently holidays on Endor
Go on!
I say Endor, but this is very unlike the Endor of Return of the Jedi.
I remember when all this was forest
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’
Actually it’s very unlike Star Wars
It’s far more like one of those 80s movies in which kids from the real world accidentally wind up in a fantasy land.
We have castles
Tinkerbell
And above all, magic.
Lots of magic.
So it turned into a lizard, big deal’
Way too much magic
‘Wicket is given a magic walking stick’
I’m sure he’s thrilled.
I dont know anything about magic.'
It’s not fair to judge these against the original trilogy,
'I think he understands.'
They’re on a TV budget, and despite the presence of ILM luminaries Dennis Muren and Phill Tippett,
the effects are pretty low rent,
As is the script.
‘It looks like a monster or something real big’
and the general scale of ambition
'That's not a star Cruiser, thats a horse.'
but if it’s set in that world, it needs to be that world
‘I don’t care about that’
This just isn’t the same universe
‘I know that now, I guess I’ve known it a long long time.’
The standard argument is: it’s for kids.
But where have we heard that before?
My tongue is fat.
George, kids are smarter than this. They deserve better than this.
‘How dare you suggest that I am to blame’
As an entries in the Star Wars canon these films just don’t work
‘Makes me feel sad’
Me too. But the really bad news is that, just as movies, they’re still pretty poor.
Although they do provide interesting contrast to a classic moment in the original film.
You see? That’s what happens if you don’t shoot first!
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