HERE'S THE THING -- DONALD TRUMP MAY NOT BE
INDICTED, BUT ONE PERSON IS FACING CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS
CRIMES, AND THAT'S HIGH PROFILE LAWYER AND "GUY WHO'S LAWYERIN'
HERE!," MICHAEL AVENATTI.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER AVENATTI AS THE MAN WHO USED TO REPRESENT
STORMY DANIELS IN HER SUIT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT, USING THE
CAGEY LEGAL STRATEGY OF SPENDING 24 HOURS A DAY ON CABLE NEWS
TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THE TIME, HE GOT SUCH A HIGH
PROFILE THAT HE ANNOUNCED HE WAS EXPLORING A RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, COME ON!
A MAN THAT EGOTISTICAL AND SELF-PROMOTING HAD A PRETTY GOOD
SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, TAKE OFF THAT "AVENATTI
2020" SHIRT, BECAUSE TODAY, AVENATTI WAS ARRESTED FOR AN
ALLEGED $20 MILLION EXTORTION SCHEME AGAINST NIKE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO, "EVERYONE" WHO COMES INTO
CONTACT WITH DONALD TRUMP BECOMES A CRIMINAL.
IS THAT HOW THIS WORKS?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM, AND-- BAM!
YOU'RE SMUGGLING ENDANGERED SEA TURTLES OUT OF THE PHILIPPINES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: A HEAVY SEA TURTLE OVER THERE, JON.
>> Jon: A BIG TURTLE.
>> Stephen: FIRST MUELLER FINDS NO
COLLUSION, NOW AVENATTI GETS ARRESTED.
DID DONALD TRUMP RECENTLY FIND A GENIE?
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S GOING TO BE HIS THIRD
WISH?
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, GENIE, LAST WISH.
EITHER I BAN YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE MUSLIM OR UNLIMITED HAMBERDERS."
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE WILL SMITH.
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- AVENATTI
CLAIMED HE HAD PROOF THAT NIKE WAS SECRETLY PAYING STAR HIGH
SCHOOL ATHLETES AND THEIR FAMILIES TO GET THEM TO GO TO
CERTAIN COLLEGES.
WE KNOW THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO SECRETLY PAY COLLEGE COACHES TO PRETEND
THEIR STUDENTS ARE STAR ATHLETES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID I GET THAT RIGHT?
IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?
AVENATTI TOLD NIKE THAT HE'D SPILL THE BEANS UNLESS "NIKE
MADE A PAYMENT OF $1.5 MILLION TO A CLIENT OF AVENATTI'S AND
AGREED TO 'RETAIN' AVENATTI FOR BETWEEN $15 AND $25 MILLION."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HE THOUGHT NIKE WAS GOING TO
HIRE HIM?
BOLD MOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP TO YOUR
JOB INTERVIEW AND SAYING, "WHAT'S MY GREATEST WEAKNESS?
WELL, I GUESS I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THESE PHOTOS I HAVE OF YOU
AND YOUR MISTRESS."
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF NIKE'S LAWYERS POINTED
OUT HE NEVER GOT PAID THAT HIGH OF A RETAINER, TO WHICH
AVENATTI ASKED, HAVE YOU "HELD THE BALLS OF YOUR CLIENT IN YOUR
HAND WHERE YOU COULD TAKE FIVE TO SIX BILLION DOLLARS MARKET
CAP OFF OF THEM?" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
I DIDN'T REALIZE HOLDING YOUR CLIENT'S BALLS WAS A STANDARD
PART OF LEGAL SERVICES.
( LAUGHTER ) I NEED A NEW ATTORNEY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED PASSING
THE BAR.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: AVENATTI WAS READY TO ACT ON HIS THREAT.
HE TWEETED "TOMORROW AT 11:00 A.M., WE WILL
BE HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE TO DISCLOSE A MAJOR HIGH
SCHOOL/COLLEGE BASKETBALL SCANDAL PERPETRATED BY @NIKE
THAT WE HAVE UNCOVERED."
BUT UNFORTUNATELY AVENATTI'S PLAN RAN INTO A BIT OF A HICCUP,
BECAUSE THE F.B.I. SHOWED UP TO ARREST HIM 15 MINUTES AFTER HE
TWEETED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
>> Jon: THEY GOT HIM.
>> Stephen: FAST.
>> Jon: REAL QUICK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE F.B.I.
PROMISE -- IF WE DON'T BRING JUSTICE IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS,
THE PERP WALKS FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING,
BECAUSE MINUTES AFTER THE NEWS ABOUT THE NEW YORK CHARGES
BROKE, FEDERAL PROSECUTORS IN CALIFORNIA CHARGED AVENATTI IN A
SEPARATE CASE INVOLVING WIRE AND BANK FRAUD.
WOW!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SEPARATELY, THEY DOUBLE-TEAMED
HIM!
AND, AT THIS MOMENT, I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY REFERENCE TO
STORMY DANIELS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATOR
ELIZABETH WARREN.