- When you're driving on the highway, yeah,
and you're cruising along, everything's going well,
and you look over on the other side
and the traffic is packed up
and you get that little feeling inside,
like (chuckles), "I made the right choices in life."
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I have been pulled over for drunk driving,
completely sober,
which is a great way to find out
that you're a terrible driver.
(audience laughs)
When cops are stopping you on the highway like,
"Are you wasted?"
And you're like, "No, officer, that was my best."
(audience laughs)
That cop didn't believe me either.
He just kept hounding me.
He's like, "How much have you had to drink?
"How much have you had?
"How much have you had?"
And finally I was just like,
"No, officer, you don't understand, okay?
"I'm not drunk, I've never been drunk.
"I don't even know how. (pants)
"I'm a little sad. (audience laughs)
"Is there a sad driving test?"
I think they should have one,
like, instead of a breathalyzer
they just have you sigh into a harmonica.
(audience laughs)
And if it's on pitch, like,
"Outta the car, Johnny Cash, can't have you on the road."
(audience laughs)
- Sometimes when I'm driving I get like,
road rage pretty badly, you know?
And I don't have the physique to back it up.
Such a mismatch between my anger
and what I could actually do to anybody.
I could solve some puzzles really quickly in front of him
and be like, "Whoa, shit, this guy threw me off."
(audience laughs)
I think part of the problem with road rage
is that we don't have an adequate way to communicate
with each other. You know what I mean?
We have a very limited vocabulary.
We can say thank you and fuck you.
That's the two things we can say.
That's pretty limited.
'Cause sometimes I make a mistake
and then I wish I had a gesture to go with it, you know?
You can't really apologize.
Like I'll cut a guy off, I'm like, "Oh shit."
Then he catches up to me and I gotta be like.
(audience laughs)
Huh, from your perspective.
Fuck me.
You see, I'm on your side here.
There's no, I'm sorry.
I can't be like, "I'm sorry. (audience laughs)
"I'm sad for what I did."
"Okay, what the hell is this guy doing?
"He's a mime?"
The car horn's even worse.
That's just like instant aggression.
I think it's 'cause it's like yelling.
It's just like yelling "Hey" at someone.
You hit the horn, you're like "Hey! Hey!"
Sometimes I just tap it.
I'm like, I'm trying to be a dick here.
I'm just trying to, you know, use it gently.
I think it comes out, "Hey," but it doesn't.
It comes out, "Hey!" (audience laughs)
You can't take it back if you make a mistake with the horn.
Sometimes I wish I could take it back.
I wish there was like a second button next to the horn
that was like a reverse horn sound.
You know what I mean?
So you could just like, take it back.
Like, I was waiting to make a left at a light.
I was like the second car.
The light changes, the guy doesn't go.
(honks) Fucking go, you know?
Then I see the old man who was walking
through the intersection. (audience laughs)
So now I look like a lunatic.
I was basically saying, "Get him, hit him."
(audience laughs)
I wish I could take that back though.
(honks) Then I see the old man. (honks softly)
(audience laughs)
Guy's like, "Okay, cool, you're not a dick.
"I hear you, that's fine."
- I'm a Asian woman
and therefore guaranteed to live until I'm a billion.
(audience laughs)
I'm guaranteed, like a turtle from the Galapagos okay?
We all know the phrase black don't crack,
well Asian don't die.
(audience laughs)
We don't die.
Especially the women, we live forever.
And you know why we're such bad drivers?
Because we're trying to die.
(audience laughs)
We're like, "Yeah, let me see how invincible I really am.
"I'm gonna make this left hand turn signal
"and ignore this red light completely.
"I gotta make a right turn.
"I changed my mind, it's a u-turn.
"I changed my mind again, it's a o-turn."
(audience laughs)
Every time I get into a car accident,
I'm like, "Oh my god, not again."
I need to hide my face so that everybody doesn't see
that it's what everybody thought it was gonna be.
(audience laughs)
It's so embarrassing.
My Toyota Corolla is a mess.
There's this huge bear claw scratch on the side
from this aggressive brick wall that came outta nowhere.
And then on the hood there's multiple handprints
from pedestrians who have had to alert me
of their existence. (audience laughs)
♪ It was the perfect day ♪
♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪
♪ You were my only way ♪
♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪
♪ We were walking and talking and jamming and jawing ♪
♪ It was you and me against the world ♪
♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪
♪ 'Cause you didn't hear it coming ♪
(audience applauds)
- I have one, I have an electric car,
but I, at least I have the decency when I'm driving
and put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman! (audience laughs)
"Sandman coming, watch out."
How about those Teslas now driving themselves?
Those Teslas, that's pretty cool they can drive themselves.
Holy shit, man.
Like, and I got in an accident with a Tesla,
nobody was in there,
and I didn't know who to exchange the information with.
And I started screaming, "Hey, you, fucker, what the fuck?"
And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers
are flapping by.
I was like, "What the fuck, does that mean you did it?"
And then fucking lights are going on and off.
I was like going, "Okay, alright."
And then we go to court and I'm like,
"I'm gonna fucking destroy this thing."
And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace
and I say, "Oh, gimme a fucking break."
What a liar.
- I like going to lunch with my mom.
That's our thing when we hang out, okay, lunch.
But when we do go, I make her drive the car every time.
I don't wanna drive because my mom is a backseat driver.
She comments on my driving and she knows it pisses me off,
so she whispers everything about my driving,
which is just worse, 'cause I could still hear her,
and everything she's saying sounds so dirty
to my innocent ears.
With the whispers I hear her just go, "Slow down.
"Too fast." (audience laughs)
And then she's in the passenger seat holding onto that rail.
(audience laughs)
And she's pressing the,
I guess there's a brake pedal on that side
I didn't know about 'cause she's pressing.
She's just. (audience laughs)
(groans) "Slow."
We're still parked. (audience laughs)
"Slow down.
"Stop it.
(grunting)
"Take it easy. (audience laughs)
"Take it easy.
"It's so cold. (audience laughs)
"We're not in a rush.
"Oh my back. (audience laughs)
(whimpers) "Oh, there's a spot right there,
"right there, right there, right there, right there,
"right there, oh, you missed it.
"Now we gotta park in the rear."
Nasty. (imitates brakes squealing)
- We're having a great time.
But I was like, I gotta step this up.
Like, how do you fucking step this up?
I was like, "Let's go rent a car.
"Let's go for a drive through the Italian countryside."
She's like, "Great."
So we go to the Hertz, Bologna,
which in Italian means, my pee-pee hurts. (laughs)
You can't see me behind his stool.
(audience laughs)
So we go to the Hertz, Bologna, we pack up the car,
and, uh...
car is stick. (audience laughs)
And I'm like, "Babe, a cool thing about me
"is I don't actually really drive stick."
And she's like, "Oh, oh, okay, no problem.
"I'll just go tell the guy."
And so she goes inside
and gets the Hertz, Bologna rental car guy.
And he comes out and he's like,
"Hey, yeah, no way.
"No way.
"Automatico. (smacks lips)
"Ay! (audience laughs)
"In Bologna, huh?
"No automatico in Bologna."
And I'm like, "Okay."
And he is like, "You, you don't have a,
"you don't have a stick?"
And I'm like, "I have a stick.
"I just don't know how to use it, okay?"
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "Okay, okay, ah, I got an idea.
"Light bulb.
"Light bulb, I got an idea.
"How about this?
"You hire a driver.
"The driver, he sit in the front seat with your girlfriend.
"They (smacks lips),
"you sit in the backseat automatico, huh?"
(audience applauds)
- He's got a thing about his family having nice cars.
He doesn't believe that any of us should have
a nice vehicle.
He thinks that we should all drive old beat down vehicles
until they fall apart in the interstate.
It gives him joy to come have to pick us
up in the interstate. (audience laughs)
My kids drive old, old cars.
I finally put my foot down.
I was driving a 2009 white Honda Pilot.
And they are wonderful cars.
But if you don't know what that model looks like,
it looks like I was delivering Lay's potato chips.
(audience laughs)
I never felt pretty in it. (audience laughs)
It had over 239,000 miles on it.
And lights started flashing in it saying,
"Get out, Leanne, get out."
He drives a 2007 Tahoe and the T and the A are missing.
- I was trying to figure out like,
where is power the most equal, you know?
I think it's a parking lot.
Just hear me out.
It doesn't matter what you drive.
If you drive something, that parking space is yours.
And when you are ready to leave
and other people are looking for a place to park,
oh, don't you love that moment?
Like you're walking back to your car from the mall
on a Saturday and you're done shopping
and you see people like, "Ah, where will I park?"
And then they see me and they're like, "Hey, are you?"
I'll be like, "I don't know. (audience laughs)
"Maybe."
I like to give 'em false hope.
Do you ever do that?
Like, I know they're waiting for the brake light.
Well, first they have their blinker on,
like, that's an official, that's like my blinkers,
that shit's mine.
You're like, "Okay, are the US Marshals gonna
"back you up on this shit right now?"
But they want your brake lights to appear.
'cause that means you're starting the car.
So I'll do this, I'll just hit my brake and release it.
(audience laughs)
You feel the tension rising.
You're like, "This is exciting."
And then they snap and they're like,
"What the fuck are you doing?"
(audience laughs)
And that's when I go, "I'm eating In-N-Out."
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
"I'm gonna have this burger now.
"It's probably gonna take an hour, I don't know."
But then as soon as they drive by, I'm like,
"No, I'll eat it later.
"I'm gonna go ahead and take off."
(audience laughs)
- I remember one time we were really little kids.
I have two sisters and a brother,
and all four of us were in a family car ride for three hours
going to Wisconsin.
My dad was driving, going down the highway
in our white van with wood around the side.
'Cause you remember when you wanted your car
to be made of wood? (audience laughs)
You remember that era where we were like,
"How much wood can we get on this car
"without it catching on fire?"
But then the big announcement,
"We here at Plymouth Chrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood
"safely on the outside of your car
"for all those times you've looked at your minivan
"and thought, 'Huh, it needs a belt.'"
(audience laughs)
So we're going on the highway.
We've been on the road for like three hours,
and in the distance we see a McDonald's.
We see the golden arches.
And we got so excited.
We started chanting "McDonald's, McDonald's,
"McDonald's, McDonald's."
And my dad pulled into the drive-thru
and we started cheering.
And then he ordered one black coffee for himself
and kept driving. (audience laughs)
And you know, as mad as that made me as a little kid,
in retrospect that is the funniest thing
I have ever seen in my entire life.
- My parents have this anecdote
and it's a story they've been telling my whole life.
Like, once a year they'll, you know,
have a few drinks and they'll tell this story
at a dinner party or whatever.
And it makes me feel crazy because I'm like,
it cannot be true.
So why are you doing this to me?
What is this?
And my brother and I get really upset.
I'll tell you the story and then you can be the judge
if you think it's it's true or not, okay?
Okay.
So my parents swear
that when they were in their late twenties,
they were driving through Northern Ontario,
down like a winding road through a forest,
and they drove under a moose. (audience laughs)
They swear.
My mom says they were driving down this winding road,
the moose was horizontal on the road,
and they drove under its belly.
It makes me feel, I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
She does a sound effect of the sound of the belly fur
of the moose gently grazing the roof of the car.
Just like (exhales softly).
Can you imagine?
It makes me feel insane.
It makes me feel crazy.
And it makes my brother irate as well.
So the last time I was visiting,
me and my brother were like,
"We need to get to the bottom of this."
Like, we need to find out if this is even possible.
So we did research and we found out the height
of a Toyota Tercel, that's the car they were driving,
so the height of the roof of the car,
we googled, like, the largest ever recorded moose.
(audience laughs)
And the infuriating thing is it could just have happened.
(audience laughs)
It could just have happened.
Like if they happened to stumble upon
the biggest ever recorded moose, I guess it's possible.
It makes me feel insane. (audience laughs)
Do you think it's true?
Gimme a cheer if you think it's true.
(audience cheers)
Really?
Okay, gimme a cheer if you think it's bullshit.
(audience cheers)
I don't know.
I think it says a lot about your worldview.
You know what I mean?
If you believe in the moose, you're young at heart,
you've retained a sliver of like,
childlike enthusiasm about life.
And if you don't believe in the moose,
you're, look, it's been a tough couple years.
(upbeat music)