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BAND, EVERYBODY, LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE,
Y'ALL. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Louis: GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: HAPPY MONDAY.
HAPPY MONDAY. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
>> I DID, DID YOU. >> Stephen: IT WAS SO
BEAUTIFUL THIS WEEKEND. AND EVIE AND I DID MAKE SOUP FOR
OUR ANNIVERSARY. >> Louis: THAT'S AWESOME.
>> Stephen: AND HERE'S THE THING-- WE WERE LIKE, WE'LL GO
OUT TO DINNER, RESERVATIONS, AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, WE HAD SOME PLANS, AND THEN I MADE THIS SOUP AND I
SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" AND SHE SAID, "WHY DON'T WE JUST
EAT THAT SOUP AND WATCH A MOVIE."
AND I WENT, "THAT'S WHY I MARRIED YOU."
THAT'S WHEN IT'S WORKING. THAT IS-- THAT IS
( APPLAUSE )
I GOT FANTASTIC GUESTS TONIGHT WITH A MOVIE THAT WE WATCHED,
ACTUALLY, WAS "THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN."
WHICH IS THE NEW MOVIE WITH COLIN FARRELL AND BRENDAN
GLEASON WHO ARE MY GUESTS TONIGHT.
UNBELIEVABLE YOU'LL LAUGH, YOU'LL CRY, YOU'LL LAUGH AGAIN.
IT'S SO IRISH. IT'S FUNNY AND IT'S SAD, IT'S
FUNNY ABOUT BEING SAD. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY MARTIN
McDONOUGH. AND THEY'LL BE OUT HERE IN A
MOMENT, HOPEFULLY TO MAKE US ALL CRY.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE
RAW LANDSCAPE OF NEWS, THEN CAREFULLY CARVING IT UP INTO THE
NEWSIEST LANDFORMS, DAMMING IT'S NATURAL WATER SEEPS TO CREATE
THE MOST TOPICAL ARTIFICIAL STORY LAKES, THEN ADDING MEADOWS
AND PLAYGROUNDS TO UNVEIL FOR NATURAL HERITAGE-PROTECTED NEW
HERITAGE-PROTECTED NEW YORK CITY CENTRAL PARK THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I CRASH A STOLEN TANKER OF FOUR LOKO INTO A FROG POND
OFF I-95, THEN TRY TO COVER MY TRACKS BY BURNING IT OFF WITH
FACTORY-REJECT FIREWORKS BEFORE BACKFILLING THE WHOLE MESS WITH
A TRUCKLOAD OF USED BATTERIES TO CREATE THE OUTLAW SUPERFUND
SITE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT IT IS. A NEW STUDY SAYS DUE TO TECTONIC
SHIFTING, THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IS SHRINKING BY AN INCH EVERY YEAR.
WELL, OF COURSE IT LOOKS SMALLER!
THAT OCEAN WATER'S COLD! MEANWHILE-- REALLY?
OKAY, OKAY. MEANWHILE, THE GERMAN CANDY
COMPANY LIDL WAS ORDERED TO DESTROY GOLD CHOCOLATE BUNNIES
AFTER IT LOST A COPYRIGHT CASE WITH LINDT.
LINDT CLAIMED THAT LIDL'S CHOCOLATE BUNNIES MATCH THE
SHAPE AND FEATURES OF THEIR OWN CANDIES.
SO, IN ORDER TO AVOID BEING ACCUSED OF MAKING CHOCOLATE
BUNNIES, LIDL IS INTRODUCING THEIR BRAND-NEW PRODUCT THE
CHOCOLATE DUCK.
THERE IT IS. YOU MAY BE SEEING A BUNNY, BUT
LEGALLY IT'S A DUCK.
BREAK FOR COVID, TRADER JOE'S IS FINALLY BRINGING BACK FREE
SAMPLES! YEAH!
COME ON!
JUST DRANK ONE OUNCE OF COFFEE.
HVAC INSTALLATIONS AND SPECULATIVE DENTAL SOLUTIONS"
SOMETIMES GET SO MUCH SUPER MARIO NEWS THAT WE HAVE NO
CHOICE BUT TO COVER IT IN OUR MARIO-ONLY MEANWHILE
SUBSEGMENT: "IT'S-A-MEAN-A-WHIL-A."
( APPLAUSE )
RELEASED THE FIRST POSTER FOR THE NEW "SUPER MARIO BROTHERS"
MOVIE, AND NOW FANS ARE ASKING NINTENDO TO FIX THE PLUMBER'S
FLAT BUTT. OKAY, WELL, THIS IS HOW BIG HIS
BUTT IS IN THE GAMES. SO HOW FLAT COULD HIS NEW
BUTT POSSIBLY-- OKAY! I GET IT.
WHERE DID IT GO? WHERE DID IT GO?
HOW HARD IS HE CLENCHING?! I THINK I KNOW WHERE HE KEEPS
THOSE COINS. BESIDES MISSING MARIO'S LOVELY
LADY-LUMPS, FANS WERE QUICK TO POINT OUT THAT "MARIO WOULD
BARELY BE ABLE TO JUMP THREE FEET WITH HIS CURRENT DESIGN, SO
A REDESIGN IS NECESSARY TO ENSURE HIS ACTIONS IN THE MOVIE
ARE REALISTIC." YES, IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THIS
FIRE-SHOOTING ITALIAN WHO EATS MUSHROOMS TO DOUBLE HIS SIZE SO
HE CAN FLY WITH HIS RACCOON TAIL TO SAVE A PRINCESS FROM MARRYING
AN EVIL TALKING DINOSAUR-TURTLE...
BE REALISTIC.
CHARACTER'S PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES AREN'T THE FANS' BIGGEST
COMPLAINT. MARIO IS BEING VOICED BY CHRIS
PRATT, AND THE TRAILER REVEALED THAT CHRIS PRATT SOUNDS LIKE
JUST A DUDE, WITH NO ACCENT. YOU CAN'T DO MARIO WITHOUT AN
ITALIAN ACCENT! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE'S
FROM JAPAN?
FARRELL AND BRENDAN GLEESON.