Movies: they're what The Rock does
while waiting to become president.
And now there's a new contender for best movie ever.
NEWSMAN: For decades, the movie critics have declared
Citizen Kane the greatest film of all time,
but it is no longer
the top-rated film on Rotten Tomatoes
thanks to a newly unearthed Chicago Tribune review
from 80 years ago.
The critic said that it fails to impress,
with Kane sledding away from the top spot.
NEWSMAN 2: That title now goes to Paddington 2.
That's right. Paddington 2
is now officially the greatest movie of all time.
In many ways, it's the Citizen Kane of movies.
And, look, if you ask me,
I don't agree with this whole thing.
I don't think you can rank movies
based on averaging critical reviews
into percentages, you know?
I mean, these are works of art.
They should be judged on more important factors,
like how much money they made.
Personally, I think that when you're evaluating films,
you need to look at how it stands up to the test of time.
You know, Citizen Kane is 80 years old.
Will we still be talking about Paddington 2
80 years from now?
Probably not.
We'll be too busy fighting over the last freshwater spring
on the baron wasteland that'll be planet Earth.
Now, that's a mark against Paddington.
And, hey, don't get me wrong.
Paddington 2 is a phenomenal movie.
I just don't think it's the greatest movie of all time.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm bitter
over the fact that they cut out my cameo.
Why, yes, I will give you a marmalade sandwich, Paddington.
But first, you've got to suck my d...
Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have improvised that line.
I don't know.
But let's move on now to some crime news.
Today the FBI raided the home and office of Trump lawyer
and decaying Stewie Griffin Rudy Giuliani,
where they reportedly confiscated laptops, cell phones
and a bunch of jars labeled "definitely not blood."
Now, we don't know exactly what
Rudy Giuliani is being investigated for.
I mean, take your pick, really.
But if this next story tells us anything,
he better hope the Feds didn't find
any overdue Blockbuster rentals.
A Texas woman has a felony charge on her record
for not returning a VHS tape back in 1999.
Caron McBride only learned about the charge
after trying to change her last name
following her marriage.
The VHS tape in question? Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Well, she was charged in March of 2000
for felony embezzlement while the movie retail location
later went out of business in 2008.
The charges have since been dropped
after McBride's story aired on local TV.
NEWSWOMAN 2: She actually believes
her roommate at the time
rented it under her name,
because she never even watched the show.
Wow.
America loves arresting people.
I mean, this woman got charged with a felony
for a late videotape return?
That's ridiculous.
You know who the real criminal is here?
The person who invented the system
where we were allowed to rent four videos
and watch them in a day.
You knew full well I couldn't watch
those four videos when I took them.
But still, you let me take them,
because you wanted to charge me a late fee.
And now look. I have a criminal record.
I associate with other criminals all because I returned
The Nutty Professor four hours late.
Still worth it, though. You know who played everyone?
Even the kid. (exhales)
Oh, and by the way, for our younger viewers,
a VHS tape is, um...
It's sort of like Netflix,
except it only held one show that you wanted to watch
instead of 800 shows that you'll never watch.
Now, thankfully, they let this woman off the hook.
But I do love how even after the charges were dropped,
she still threw her roommate under the bus.
"Yay, I'm free!
"But you guys need to arrest Deborah,
'cause this was all her fault."
And finally, dating:
it's how you find the person
who's going to fart under your covers
for the rest of your life.
If you like romantic stories about new relationships,
well, then, you'll love this one
35 times more.
NEWSWOMAN: From Japan, this man
allegedly dated 35 women
and told them all he had a different birthday
so he could constantly receive gifts from them.
He was able to get nearly $1,000 worth of presents
from the women before they all banded together
to report him to police.
He has since been arrested for fraud.
Huh.
Dating 35 women in Japan is illegal.
Weird.
In America, they just give you a TV show.
And, honestly, people, I don't know
if getting extra presents is worth the stress
of juggling 35 girlfriends.
I mean, imagine having to pretend
that you hadn't already watched all of Ted Lasso 34 times.
"So, he doesn't know soccer? Oh."
Not to mention
he has to be getting gifts for them, too, right?
I mean, at some point,
he's just getting a present from one woman
and then handing it right off to the next one.
It's basically just an assembly line of regifting.