(happy Italian folk music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah.
Your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me, you believe that
a glass of wine at eight p.m. makes you a better mom.
So, pour yourself a glass and let's talk.
Tonight we're drinking red wine.
This is what I like to call grown-up wine.
And I always drink this wine when I'm around other adults
and trying to be an adult and I'm like, (sniffs)
"Mmm, yes this is a great red,"
but it's actually like kind of strong and kind of intense.
Like tonight's topic.
Tonight we're gonna talk about
the worst parts of childbirth.
You thought pregnancy was bad.
Strap yourselves in again because this is a wild ride.
There's pain, suffering, beauty, disgustingness, fluids.
I already anticipate the comments.
"Oh you just made me not want kids anymore!"
And I don't care because you deserve to know.
So, let's get started.
Ohh, hm, I don't like red wine.
So just so you know, I had both of my births in a hospital.
So, what I'm gonna say applies to my experiences.
Yours might of been different, but that's all good.
So, let's go.
Let's start with the worst part.
Ready?
It's not what you think it would be, which is pushing
out the child.
It's actually this little thing called contractions.
It's like your body's way of saying,
"Get this out of me".
But instead of being like, "Oh hey, excuse me could you like
"start getting this out?"
Your body's like, "Get this out!
"Get it out of me!"
The best way that I can describe it
is like a chainsaw has gone haywire inside of you
and it's trying to get out.
They get so bad, that you will barf on yourself.
I've literally barfed on myself during a contraction.
Blaaahh!
It's bad, it's not pretty.
The rest is not much prettier, but at least
we got that over with.
Next, modesty goes out the window!
When you are giving birth, you are basically
a live vagina exhibit because it's just a cycle
of people coming in and out of the room,
checking on your lady parts.
There's a woman who will come in every hour
to shove her hand up and tell you how far open it is.
Okay.
There'll be a random man walking in, like lift up
my hospital gown and be like, "Mmm, hmm yeah."
Write something down and leave.
And I'm like, "Can you at least tell me your name
"if you're going to be looking at that?!"
But the worst part is you don't even care at that point.
I was like, "You can look as long as looking is gonna
"help me get this out".
Next, the flood gates.
Your water does not break like in the movies.
A lot of the time you will go into labor first
and then your water will break at the most
inconvenient time.
So, in my first labor my water decided to break
as the anesthesiologist was sticking in the epidural
needle and that's like the most key part,
because if he misses with that needle he could
potentially cripple me or kill me!
And so he's there just like "Okay, hold perfectly still,"
and my body is just like (water splashing)
"There you go!"
And then with the second, my water broke
as the nurse was hunched over me, checking because
I wasn't progressing and she wanted to get a closer look.
Just like (water splashing) like blasted her in the chest.
She was like, "Ohhh!
And like the water's crashing around the bed
and she wrote on her chart copious fluids,
because she said that was the most she's ever seen
in her life.
I'm sorry Linda.
I blasted you with amniotic fluid.
I'm, this one's for you.
So speaking of epidurals, the epidural is like
medically sanctioned hard-core drugs.
And I don't do drugs, but whatever's in epidurals,
I'm sure they sell that on the street,
'cause I was tripping balls on my epidural.
With both of the epidurals I've collectively said
some of the most embarrassing things that I've ever said
in my entire life.
I was telling the nurse about my love
for Rick Springfield's butt.
I was telling the anesthesiologist, in front of my husband,
how much I loved him.
"Oh my god, I love you so much!
"You wanna just get married?
"I just love you so much!"
It's like waking up the next morning after being
totally wasted, and texting something really embarrassing
to your ex.
You like wake up from the epidural
and you're like, "Oh god, what did I say?!"
(groans)
And I'm very grateful, but I will never be able to look
any of those people in the eye again.
I didn't even know I liked Rick Springfield
until I had my second son.
(teeth clink on wine glass)
Ow!
Which brings us to the last topic, the fear factor.
Childbirth is probably the most terrifying
thing I've ever experienced in my life.
Because you go in to this completely unknown territory,
with a plan, you have your birth plan,
but once you're in the trenches of childbirth,
your birth plan is not necessarily what's gonna work
to get the child out.
For example, with my youngest
his heart rate completely dropped
as I was pushing him out.
I had no idea what was going on, it was just all of a
sudden just pure chaos and a million people
rushed into the room.
The doctor pulled out a suction thing, just sucked
him out of me and handed him off to some other people.
I didn't even hear him cry.
My husband didn't get to cut the cord.
And my first words, when he came out, were, "Is he dead?"
Because I thought that he had died.
Luckily he did not, but it's the most terrifying
thing of all time.
I'm not trying to scare you.
I just think that everybody should go in knowing exactly
how scary it is.
And my hope is that by telling you that it's going
to be scary, that makes it a little less scary.
Every mom who has birthed their child
has gone through this and you're gonna be okay.
You're gonna do great.
On a brighter note, once you have the baby out,
that's when the really scary and awful part starts.
Because you have a kid.
You think childbirth is gross, try raising a kid.
You think childbirth is scary, try raising a kid.
But I'm just kidding.
They're actually, they're blessings, it's beautiful,
it's wonderful, kids are just blessings.
It's like 50% of the time.
So, that's all I've got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you have a birth story that you would like to share,
I would love to read it, so leave it in the comments
because I love hearing about other women's birth stories
and just all the different crazy, funny stuff
that happens.
I don't know about you, but this video has made
me super, super hungry.
So I'm gonna go eat some pizza.
Hope you are inspired to have more babies.
'Til next time!
Bye, bye, go, go away.
(giggles)