- So I was--
I couldn't work for a while.
I took about a year and a half off of work.
'Cause I went mental.
And--
I don't know if anyone here is thinking of suicide.
Don't do it. It's not the season for it.
Late fall.
And... most people,
you don't think about doing it, but you think of it,
you know, every once in a while,
just kind of feeling sorry for yourself, like,
"Oh, well, the stewardess won't give me the whole can."
[sobbing and whimpering]
"Oh, turbulence. I want to live."
But--
I had told a friend of mine,
hey, heads up-- if ever I start talking too fast
about wanting to get in touch with the Pope
or some other ethical authority,
put me in a purple van and drive me to doggy daycare,
'cause I need to be boarded for the weekend.
Mental illness runs in my family,
and it drops at about 40 years old.
And that's what happened.
So my friend drove me to the psych ward,
and I had my interview with the psychiatrist.
And he asked me, you know, "Why are you here?"
I said, "Well, I have a plan.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna kill myself."
"Okay, great, um...
What are the mitigating circumstances?"
"Well, I just, you know-- I just--I just--
"Every moment is unbearable, and so I'm just worried
"that I'm gonna-- I don't feel safe by myself,
"like I'm gonna do something, like I'm gonna hurt myself.
"I know I will, and I know I will,
"and I'll be a real mess.
I just don't want to do that to other--"
Okay. And they said, "Well, what do you do?
For a living?"
And I said, "I'm a comedian."
No response.
Totally chill with it.
And went on typing on his laptop.
Turned it around to me, and he said, "Is this you?"
And he had YouTubed me, and it was me,
obviously with a lot more makeup and much better material, and--
He said, "Oh, well, I had--
"I had to make sure that you weren't having
a grandiose delusion."
Since when is it psychosis to somehow claim
that you're interacting with the entertainment industry?
It's not like I said I was Richard Pryor.
But the last laugh was on me,
'cause he put me on a mood stabilizer
whose primary side-effects are cognitive,
making it almost impossible to think or talk.
No own!
Or should I say-- oh no!
[laughing]
[sighs]
Few days later, I was doing a gig and--
by myself, down in Chicago, bleeding,
and I had lost all my identification
and was making this noise--
[moaning unintelligibly]
About an hour before show time.
Ended up taking-- yeah, almost two years off work.
And--oh, just-- I always like to say this.
I was so scared of taking time off work,
especially just in case anyone found out, you know?
"Oh, God, what if somebody found out?
Well, oh, God. Oh, God."
This is what happens if somebody finds out.
I was in the psych ward,
and a woman came up to me and said,
"Um, hi, um, I know you. [laughs]
"I'm a therapist here, but I-- I don't know you personally,
"but I have friends in the comedy circles, and, um--
"I mean, not that I would-- I would never tell.
"This is completely confidential,
"and I would never--
[whispering] I would never tell anyone."
I'm in a county-stamped gown
and a pair of electric-green gripper socks
that are not my own.
You tell whoever the fuck you want.
Because all is lost.
But I went back to work and I just--
you know, I just can't do as much as I used to,
and I got all this shit from this one fellow.
Coworker. You know.
"Hey, I've heard what happened in Chicago. Jeez."
"Yeah, it was a real mess.
"I missed, like, six shows.
I was a terrible, terrible mess."
"Yeah, I've never done that. I've never missed a show.
"I had a temperature of 475 degrees.
"I was the temperature of a fully charred pork chop.
"I did a full 90 minutes-- lost control of my bowels--
"to standing ovations.
You got to make those fuckers laugh."
"Yeah, I guess I was just worried--
"you know, I wasn't able to think or talk
and it might not be as funny as I'd hoped."
"Yeah, comedy's got to be funny.
"It's got to be funny to everybody.
If it's not funny, it's not comedy."
"So you don't ever get scared of doing a certain,
you know, type of gig?"
"Nah, nah, nah. I love a challenge.
"I was doing a pop-up open mic at a live birth, and...
"You know, of course, the mom's distracted,
"but you know, just to-- [choking up]
"just to be there for baby's first laugh...
"You know, and I always-- I always do this closer
"with the younger crowds-- please don't take it.
"I've been doing it since the late '80s
and it kind of pisses me off 'cause I see people doing it."
And he's like, "I've got this on tape.
"But here, you close your eyes.
"Oh, shit. Peek-a-boo is yours, man?"
"Yeah, I basically copyrighted the entire human experience."
"That's awesome."
Yeah, I guess, I don't know, I just, I can't--
I can't be as ambitious as I once was, you know?
So--like right before tonight's show,
I looked in the reflection of my Diet Coke can.
And I said, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[in gravelly voice] Hey, kid.
I want to see 20%.
If not, 5.
'Cause so what? Who cares?
It doesn't even matter.
Thank you guys so much. Thanks a lot.
[cheers and applause]