- Okay, let's talk, what do we wanna talk about? (chuckles)
I'm winded from a very small walk.
(audience laughs)
That's nice.
I don't even wanna look at my hair.
Listen,
I'm 52 years old and I've really started giving up,
like in a big way.
(audience laughs)
Like no, I bought a nice shirt
but it's un-tucked, that's where I am in life.
I was like, I could tuck, ugh no.
(audience laughs)
Tucking my shirt in has become a challenge, like a thing.
Anyway, thank you, one lady.
(audience laughs)
(sighs)
I'm gonna start sweatin'.
(audience laughs)
Not because you're makin' me nervous
but because I'm in menopause and I will fuckin' sweat
and lick all of you.
(audience laughs)
That's my new thing now, is to just,
I'm like, I'll fuckin' cough on this,
I'm sweating and seeping, I'm like blinking sweat
out of my eyes, trying not to freak out on people
and yesterday, for the first time,
I heard that little evil voice
from when I'm hormonal.
I heard it say, lick em'.
(audience laughs)
Cough on em', cough on em'.
You don't have my medication.
(audience laughs)
You don't think it's funny?
(audience laughs)
I don't like every song you play.
(audience laughs and cheers)
That's what makes the world go round, red.
Who the fuck did this?
Men!
(audience laughs)
One of these guys came in here and just fucked with it,
like they do my whole life.
Here's what's happening.
(audience laughs)
I am not married, I've never been married.
I'm what men in Texas call a handful.
(audience laughs)
I'm all right with that, I really am.
What's the alternative, easy going?
(audience laughs)
I'll never be that.
Listen, you want to talk about female empowerment
for a minute?
You do not know female empowerment until,
here's what happened.
Years ago, I was dating this guy
and he hung up on me.
He lived in Virginia Beach,
I live here
and he hung the phone up and you know,
turned it off and I flew there.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I had seven hours and $900,
go fuck yourself, you don't hang up on me.
(audience laughs)
You don't know female empowerment,
you are just little grasshoppers,
you don't even know female empowerment
until a man opens the door and goes what,
just...
(audience laughs)
the sight of you makes ...
(audience laughs)
that's right bitch, I'm here.
(audience laughs and cheers)
So I declared celibacy a year ago
and you know, I turned a few away
and that was a year ago.
I mean no, almost two years ago and then,
after that, it was just like nobody was lookin'
and I wasn't huntin' so nothin',
it's just been radio silence for another half a year, right?
But I'm good.
It was like, I could either put sex back
or I could have donuts
and I was like, donuts.
(audience laughs)
So yesterday, true story.
I'm sittin' in the dog park and this guy comes in
and here's the thing,
I realize now at 52,
if the celibacy did one thing for me,
it cleared me up and made me realize,
cause I've always dated guys much younger,
like 20 years younger, yeah.
I like men without opinions,
I don't like a lot of fuckin' ideas and..
(audience laughs)
you date someone your age and you come home
and they're like, I thought we'd have Chinese
and you're like oh that's great
cause I have a fuckin' pizza.
(audience laughs)
So, that's what happens when you start thinking.
So, you younger guys,
you just throw some nuggets at em'
and give em' you know, Pay Per View
or whatever the fuck they want
and they're just like oh thanks, this is great.
(audience laughs)
So I'm in the dog park yesterday
and this guy comes in and he takes his,
he's age appropriate, you know?
He's old, he looks like he's my age.
And he takes, no wedding ring, I look for that first
cause I'm a sister,
I don't take nobody's bought shit.
So...
He takes his jacket off and I see he's got a little paunch
but he's very good looking, very nice outfit
and a little fuckin' wiry, weird dog but whatever.
(audience laughs)
And I see the paunch and I'm like bitch,
you know you're not what you used to be,
you have to accept it, that's fine.
I'd rather a guy with a little paunch,
and at least it says to me he eats a meal sometimes
and he's not like some fuckin' older weird guy
that's like, I really need that washboard
still at 50, like go fuck yourself.
(audience laughs)
And he even had hair.
That was great cause I was convince myself,
I'm gonna have to just touch the sides and pretend
this is hair so...
(audience laughs)
which is fine, just like,
we'll turn the lights out, he can just go above waist
and pretend all the drama that's taking place
down here isn't happening.
So, oh are you kidding?
I've had two surgeries this year alone,
like old man stuff,
like hernias and gall bladders
and so there's all these scars, like no.
Just stay right here,
just...
And so you know, he's talking and he says,
he starts to talk, he goes,
what kind of dog do you have?
And I can't do it, but it's an Australian accent
and I'm like, oh God, old is gettin' cute,
this is not bad.
But I'm not even conscious of how I'm feeling until
I say to him,
your dog's really cute.
And I was like, who the fuck is this?
(audience laughs)
Where did this come from?
Then I stand up and I start picking up poop
that is not my dog's.
(audience laughs)
So there's some philanthropic me coming,
like oh.
And he goes oh, that's nice of you.
And I'm like oh you know, it's everybody's park
and I'm like who is this?
(audience laughs)
Who is she?
Who is this fuckin'?
And I'm pickin' up poo and picked up one poo
that I'm pretty sure was human and...
(audience laughs)
as I'm throwing human poo away I'm saying to myself,
what voice is this?
And I'm like oh my God, this is flirty Lynne,
she's the worst.
I thought we locked her up,
I thought angry Lynne and fuckin bitter Lynne
and sweaty Lynne
all had her locked in a closet
but there she is,
well maybe we'll see you tomorrow.
And I did that.
I was like...
(audience laughs)
She's fuckin' back.
This was fun.
I am goin' home, I live a block away.
I live on Sullivan street.
(beep)
Sullivan, yeah.
(audience laughs)
That's where I live, apartment 3B,
I don't care.
(audience laughs)
I don't care, really?
Back it up.
(audience laughs)
3B, (beep)
there's nothing anyone can do I'm not prepared for.
I've lived here 24 years in that apartment,
25 in New York,
there's nothing anyone can do.
You can't rape me, I'll kiss you on the mouth.
(audience laughs)
You think I don't have a rape plan?
Are you kidding?
That's the worst predator on the planet
next to a pedophile or a polar bear
and I have plans for them too.
You know what, fuck a rapist.
I just hate rapists, how dare you?
Crawl in my window, you are crawlin' out
half the rapist you were when you crawled in.
(audience laughs)
I'll rape you, I'll rape your stupid rape,
what do you think of that?
(audience laughs and applauds)
I don't work during the day, I've had nothin' but time
to think, how will I turn the tables on a rapist.
(audience laughs)
The minute I hear the window open,
I'm like game on.
(audience laughs)
I watch a lot of SVU,
I will mouth kiss him,
I will whisper I love you.
(audience laughs)
I love you, look in his eyes through the mask
and shit, I love you.
(audience laughs)
I'll hold him, I'll hold a rapist.
I will hold a strange,
think about a stranger rapist, I'm prepared to hold him.
(audience laughs)
And of course he's gonna struggle,
he's never been inside spoons.
He's never been in a baby spoon, with love wrapped around
like shhh.
Shh, you're not goin' anywhere, shh.
(audience laughs)
You came to me, didn't you?
Yes, you did.
(audience laughs)
You should have noticed the window was open.
Should have seen the cheese plate I left out,
you didn't even notice it.
(audience laughs)
So busy.
And this is how I break him,
I put little baby kisses on his rapey hands, like this.
(audience laughs)
I do it soft like that
so he can feel the tenderness through the gloves.
(audience laughs)
I'm your girlfriend now.
(audience laughs)
I'm not sure that that would scare a rapist
but it scares regular people real well.
Thank you.
(upbeat music)