(crowd cheering)
- Yes, I do comedy and I look like this.
You're welcome, you're welcome. (crowd laughs)
(upbeat music)
Yeah, I realized that I can't die right now
'cause I haven't even been gay that long. (crowd laughs)
Yeah, I've only been gay for six years.
Full time, full time. (crowd cheers)
Yeah.
Yeah, I was being gay on the weekends
and that shit don't count, okay? (crowd laughs)
You got to put in real hours with this gay stuff.
All right, now I have like a gay mentor
to make sure I hit all gay 12 steps. (crowd laughs)
I have a straight parole officer
to make sure I don't do no straight shit no more.
Right, like kiss with both your eyes closed.
You do that?
Yes, you do, very straight. (crowd laughs)
That is so, ew, you straight, ew.
Yeah, I kiss with both my eyes open, that's very gay.
We just want to fucking see your soul.
That is so romantic, right?
Yeah, I'm femme, I see a lot of you people looking.
There's a lot of guys that are like, gay look like that now?
Yes, we look like this. (crowd laughs)
Not all of us are Ellen, okay? (crowd laughs)
If you don't know what femme is,
femme means I dress like I look like
I want men to talk to me, but I don't. (crowd laughs)
Unless you're industry, right? (crowd laughs)
Whoever books Riverdale, come talk to me.
I want to be on that show. (crowd laughs)
I will talk to you, Trevor, all right?
Two years ago, I went to LA to shoot this TV show pilot.
And like, they put me in first class.
Well, it was just the front of the plane,
but like, you know Spirit,
that is first class on Spirit. (crowd laughs)
And I was like, excuse me, my seat.
I got there three hours early to get that seat.
But before I even get on the plane, right,
I go through TSA and TSA always gives me some problems
because I always have like a jar of lotion
and they hate the jars of lotion.
They're like, why do you need this much moisture?
I was like, to cover my neck, miss, to cover my neck.
I don't need Hollywood to know how old I am, okay?
(crowd laughs)
So they stopped me, they stopped my purse,
and that's not a big deal for me.
I don't think, they always stopping me,
they always hating on me.
But originally, there was a white person
that was scanning my thing so I was very, very nervous.
But then I saw a black woman, I was like, sis, we good.
And then she was actually like, sis, we are not good.
(crowd laughs)
When they stopped my purse,
a whole bunch of police came by my purse.
And they were like, is this yours?
I was like, um, maybe. (crowd laughs)
What we talkin' bout?
So... (crowd laughs)
Besides pulling out my jar of Pond's,
they pulled out this police baton
and they was like, this is a weapon.
And I said I had no idea, police never use that.
They always pull out the gun first, so,
is it a weapon? (crowd laughs)
You tell me.
They were like, what are you doing with it?
I was like, that is a gift.
So that's not really mine, that was a gift.
And they will throw you in jail if it's a gift,
I will let you know.
They Law and Ordered me right at the TSA. (crowd laughs)
Like, people from Wisconsin had they phones out.
It was like WorldStar, I mean, it was real messy.
And like I had on an obnoxious coat,
I had on my track pants, right?
So everybody thought that I was selling drugs.
Like they thought I was a mule,
but that wasn't the case, I had a police baton.
And then my friend who was also shooting the pilot
saw me and I was in handcuffs,
they Law and Ordered me right in front of her.
And I was like, tell them I'm not gonna make it.
You're gonna have to go without me.
And she's like, sis, I'm already on the plane.
(crowd laughs)
Call your lawyer.
I kept telling the people at TSA,
I was like I'm going to LA to shoot a pilot
for this network that rhymes with B, right?
I kept telling everybody, I was like, I'm gonna be on B.
I'm gonna be on B, not BET, but B, I was gonna be on B.
They were like, call the bus, call the bus.
Like you see on the show, that call the bus.
They called this big ass van.
They put me, threw me in there, right?
Just mm.
And they took me to airport jail,
which is worse than regular jail
because they don't have no Biscoff, right? (crowd laughs)
So you ain't got no, you ain't got no snack, no peanuts,
no nothing, just, just wow, just dry ass airport jail.
So I'm in there and, with my obnoxious coat and everything,
and they do, they take everything off of you.
They take the shoelaces off
'cause they don't want you to like strangle yourself.
And I was wearing braids at the time.
So they asked me if my braids were detachable,
which is racist, like I was like, whoa, that is aggressive.
Like, and homophobic, how dare you ask a black woman
if she can take her hair off. (crowd laughs)
'Cause I could, but they don't need to know that.
And also I was like, this grade of hair
is not strong enough for me to strangle myself, so.
This was on sale, thank you. (crowd laughs)
Sex is cool, but they always show these like movies
where there's these sex scenes
and the like lead up to it is like so dramatic.
And I just can't relate to it.
Like they'll have a man and a woman going in the house
and they're kind of drunk
and like the guy will throw the woman up against the wall
and rip her blouse off.
Yeah, I can't relate to that.
As a woman in New York,
you know how many shifts I (beep) worked to get that blouse?
And you just ripping it off, (crowd laughs)
you didn't even ask,
you didn't ask for consent for the blouse.
You asked me but you didn't ask the blouse is that okay.
And then I threw that little packet away with the buttons.
Like, no, you can't just (crowd laughs)
rip off my buttons like that, bitch.
I need my buttons.
I want to see a sex scene
that's like super relatable for me, you know?
Like I want to see them throw a woman up against the wall,
and rip her blouse and then the tag come out, you know?
(crowd laughs)
She like ah, I didn't know this date was gonna go this well.
I was gonna return this shirt tomorrow. (crowd laughs)
Don't get nothing on it, I'm not Monica Lewinsky.
You know what I mean? (crowd laughs)
Zara will not take this shit back.
I don't know if you learned anything about yourself
during the pandemic, but I did.
Don't love what I learned. (crowd laughs)
I learned that I'm a high functioning, depressed person.
Anyone else? (crowd cheers)
Yeah.
Hot and sad, yeah, that's what we are.
I was living in filth the whole pandemic.
So I was on a phone with a friend and she was like,
why don't you just get a cleaning person?
And I was like, yeah, why won't I get a cleaning person?
I started thinking about what kind of cleaning person
I want to come in my home.
I was like, do I want them short?
Do I want them tall?
Do I want them to have long hair?
Do they need all their teeth?
Like, you know. (crowd laughs)
I definitely wanted an ethnic person to come into my house.
I feel like it's a little problematic,
I definitely just don't want a white person coming, right?
They don't know how to clean. (crowd laughs)
That's why they never have white people cleaning any homes.
Listen, if you think white people can clean,
there was a thread on Twitter that asked them,
do you wash your legs?
And 90% of them said, nah.
Yeah, I'm not trusting you with my kitchen, I just can't.
You don't wash your legs, like, (crowd laughs)
oh, we just let the water drip down our leg, no.
I'm not trusting you with the corners of my bathtub, bitch.
Like, let's go. (crowd laughs)
So I got on this app and this one guy, Manuel,
had a 4.9 rating and I was like,
oh, he must be a murderer, let's go. (crowd laughs)
So I don't see a picture of Manuel, but I was like,
he's gotta be like 5'5".
He probably has a family.
He's probably like 65 years old.
He's gonna come in, look at my house, judge me,
but not say a thing, and that's what I want. (crowd laughs)
So when Manuel comes to my door,
can you believe he's 25 years old?
6'3", abs on his fucking forehead, (crowd laughs and cheers)
just too, too hot.
I was like, I don't know if he's coming to clean the house.
I feel like he is about to drop some dick off, right?
(crowd laughs)
I just cannot stop looking at him.
Now I'm gay, but I'm not blind.
So the whole time, I'm like, okay,
you know, yeah, it's hot in here.
You might as well take your shirt off. (crowd laughs)
He comes in, but he tells me that his name is Manny.
And I was like, you should've put Manny on the app
because Manny sounds young, I want an older man.
So I just didn't trust that he knew what to do.
I started explaining everything.
I was like, now, this is the bathroom.
This is the kitchen.
This is my corner where I masturbate, don't look.
Don't look, it's a lot of Taco Bell. (crowd laughs)
Lot of Taco Bell and vibrators that are almost on E.
Don't, actually don't touch nothing in that corner,
that's church. (crowd laughs)
So then he starts in the kitchen and do you know,
he lifts up my refrigerator
to clean underneath the refrigerator.
I said, am I wet?
Like I got so moist. (crowd laughs and cheers)
Oh, y'all don't know what an orgasm is
until you see just... (Sydnee vocalizes)
Lifting a whole, I was like, is Superman in this bitch?
What is going on? (crowd laughs)
So he cleaned underneath the refrigerator
and then he got on the top of the refrigerator.
So Manny is my man now, he's my man.
Yeah. (crowd cheers)
I'm actually his foster mother now,
we did not have sex 'cause I'm a good Christian gay.
I was in a relationship for five years,
and it's like, I didn't go further with it
'cause like the next step was marriage
and I just don't want to get married for the wrong reasons.
Like I have friends that are getting married
'cause they don't want to die alone.
Bitch, grow up.
Grow up, nobody want to see you die. (crowd laughs)
That is just, how selfish are you?
Listen, I've seen the way I sleep.
I don't need you to see me, God, no, not at all.
I saw a picture of me sleeping, both my eyes were open,
I was looking like I was taking a shit.
There's no way I want you to see me die. (crowd laughs)
And then imagine,
imagine if you spend 30 years with somebody,
for them to be with you on the last day.
Imagine your last day, you on a Casper mattress,
'cause if you gonna die, you gonna go out in comfort, right?
(crowd laughs)
And then you with some guy named Trevor
who used to be a DJ in a performance fleece
'cause that's who's just around. (crowd laughs)
And you ready to go out and you whisper to him,
you like, ahhh, I think this is it.
He wasn't ready, he wasn't prepared for you to die.
Like he doesn't even know how to fold a fitted sheet.
You think he knows what to do when you die?
So he runs out the room to get some tissue
and then you dead by yourself, bitch, like that...
What a waste of 30 years. (crowd laughs)
I was with you for 30 years,
I was at every (beep) show dancing and shit.
And you weren't making me (beep), what a waste.
(crowd laughs)
Everybody gotta be single.
(upbeat music)