- A chunk of my body fell out of me.
Without my consent.
Like, I didn't ask for this.
So this is a story about a near death experience
that I thought I was having.
I travel a lot.
I haven't had a lot of time to like, go to the doctor.
But like, I will commonly google symptoms of things,
and be like, "Do I have this?"
Or like, "Do I not?"
A few days ago, I just got to New York.
I flew in, I got to my hotel and in my hotel
the concierge left a gift in my room,
and it was four macarons.
What could go wrong?
Everyone loves a macaron.
So I have the first one, it's green tea.
Delish.
I have the next one
Strawberry.
Thank you very much.
I have the next one.
It's chocolate.
I didn't love it
And so I decided that I just can't be throwing s***
into my body willy-nilly, because now I get fat
when I do that.
So I took a bite of it, and I was like,
"Uh, this isn't great."
And I was like - almost threw it in the trashcan.
A hotel trashcan that's empty and clean-looking.
You can just grab that right out of the trash and eat it.
I made cookies once, 'cause I just wanted one.
So I had to make two dozen.
I had like, two, three and I was like,
"I have to stop this."
I threw all the cookies in the trash.
Ate another one out of the trash.
Like, I'm a monster,
Like I couldn't be stopped.
So, that's where I am.
I can't just throw this macaron in the trash.
So I decided, I'm just gonna throw it in the toilet.
And I go back to my business, because there's still one
more and it's like, orange.
So I eat the orange macaron.
It's delicious,
I leave it.
Clean up the little box.
And then I decide that it's still pretty early,
so I'm gonna like go for a walk.
It's great, I'm just like loving life
And I get back to the room and I just have to pee.
This might seem like nonchalant.
Oh you're just gonna pee.
I open the toilet up.
And when I open the toilet up,
I look down.
It looks like a
completely bloody s***.
Not like, "Oh I took a s*** and there was like
a little bit of blood in the toilet."
It was like, "Oh my f****** liver is in half
and it came out my a******."
I can't WebMD this, 'cause I know it's bad.
And I keep thinking about it.
And I'm like, "When did I do that?
I don't even remember."
And I was like, "I just got off an international flight
so like, maybe I'm like, jet-lagged," but I'm also like,
when did I take a bloody s***
and I didn't even notice -
that I was losing, freaking fluids?
But then I had starting going back to every awful
thing I've ever done in my life.
And I'm like, "Yeah, this is 'cause you cheated
on that test in fifth grade.
This is karma coming back for you."
And then I - all of a sudden it kinda comes to me,
I was like, "Oh -
!
there's no toilet paper in there.
I'm not, you know, so confident that I feel like I could
take a s*** and have a clean getaway.
Just get up - take a s***, get up, and leave.
But so I like look, and the toilet paper still has like
the hotel sticker on it.
And it's like folded.
And so I'm realizing that like, "Oh,
that's just a macaron?
F*** my bloody s***."
My own panic and fear was
brought on by me throwing the macaron in the toilet.
So, for about five minutes I thought I was dying.
But really I was saving my life
by throwing out a macaron.