("Dog on Fire" by Bob Mould)
- The raging coronavirus pandemic.
- [Reporter] This morning, alarming COVID numbers
all across the country.
1 million Americans diagnosed with COVID-19 just this week.
That's about 100 Americans diagnosed every minute.
In Philadelphia, where cases are rising,
the city starting sweeping restrictions Friday,
closing indoor dining, gyms,
and putting and end to youth sports
through the end of the year.
California also seeing a surge.
Starting Tuesday, 94% of the state will fall
under its strictest tier of restrictions.
In Michigan, rapid spread,
almost 13,000 new COVID-19 cases in one day.
In Utah, ICUs are nearing capacity.
Frontline workers from New York,
once the epicenter of the virus,
are now heading there to help.
- [Reporter] In Iowa, the strain on state hospitals
led governor Kim Reynolds to announce a new mask mandate
in nearly all indoor spaces
and a ban on indoor gatherings of more than 15 people,
after months of resisting calls to do so.
- If Iowans don't buy into this, we lose.
- You know, guys, it's amazing to me
that we are eight months into this pandemic
and we're somehow getting worse at dealing with it.
It makes no sense.
Imagine if I started learning French today
and on day one I was like
(speaking French)
and then eight months later after practicing,
I was like, me no French, don't speak French.
And I think it's a little insane
that these restrictions are just now happening,
because we've known about the importance
of wearing a mask for months,
and some states are only now
putting a mask mandate into place, only now.
It's like hosting a pool party,
and then in the last 10 minutes saying,
"All right guys, new rule, no shitting in the pool.
Yeah, I'm looking at you, David."
I mean better, late than never,
but there's some shit floating around.
But this is why it's so important
to always wear a mask in public spaces.
Like you can protect your loved ones
and your whole community with a $3 strip of fabric, people.
You have no excuse.
And yes, maybe you're saying, but Trevor I'm a rich snob,
I would never wear something that only cost $3.
Well, now you have no excuse either.
- Who says that staying safe
can't also be a fashion statement?
The world's most expensive face mask now making its debut.
The $1.5 million mask was created
by an Israeli jewelry company.
Hey, the holidays are coming.
It features more than 3,600 black and white diamonds
set in 250 grams of pure 18 karat gold.
The designer says it's made to be 100% wearable.
It features a slot for the wearer to insert,
yes, a disposable N99 mask,
which is actually finer than an N95 mask.
- Wow, a $1.5 million mask.
Rich people, learn how to read the room.
People all over the world are like we're starving
and we need a more equal society.
And then rich people are like
is there any way I can breathe through diamonds?
I'm just saying maybe lay low for a little while.
Honestly, guys, where are you even going to wear this thing?
Huh? Where are you going to wear a diamond mask?
I mean, you're not going to wear it in the streets.
What, are you gonna wear it to a fancy party?
You're not even supposed to be having parties during corona,
so you're just gonna end up wearing this around the house,
showing it off to your cat.
So Mister Whiskers, you impressed?
(cat meows)
No, you go back to where you came from.
Of course, masks aren't the only important thing needed
to slow the spread of coronavirus.
We also have to keep up social distancing.
And right now that means not having big family get togethers
for the holidays, especially indoors, which sucks.
Please don't get me wrong, I get it.
But does it suck more than
having your loved ones die of COVID?
Well, according to the Trump administration,
yes, yes it does.
Doctor Scott Atlas, who is one of the president's sources
as it relates to the pandemic,
and he has now come out and is talking about
what people should be doing as they head into Thanksgiving,
with so much attention on the holiday right now.
- This kind of isolation is one of the unspoken tragedies
of the elderly who are now being told,
"Don't see your family at Thanksgiving."
For many people, this is their final Thanksgiving,
believe it or not.
What are we doing here?
I think we have to have a policy,
which I have been advocating,
which is a whole-person, whole-health policy.
- No man, this dude can be serious.
For many people, this is their final Thanksgiving.
Really? I mean, yes thanks to the Trump administration
this is definitely going to be
many people's final Thanksgiving, but still.
And I love that whole whole-person health policy.
If you get corona, that's the whole thing.
It's not like you're going to say, well I died of COVID,
but damn, those mashed potatoes were great.
Look, I do think it's important for people
to see their families, especially around Thanksgiving.
People look forward to it.
But I also think it's more important to be able
to see your family for the next 10 Thanksgivings,
that they'll hopefully get to be with you in person
after all of this is done.
It's not like Americans aren't used to the idea
of not going home for the holidays
because they have to keep the country safe.
American generals in World War II, they understood this.
They weren't like yes, beating Hitler is important.
But what's the point of freedom
if we have to miss cranberry sauce for one year?
Let's go home soldiers!
And it's so hilarious that conservatives have ended up here
because when this pandemic started, you remember, they said,
"We don't need to shut down the economy,
just be safe and responsible."
Then they were like, "We don't have to wear masks
just to protect the elderly."
Now they're like, "You know what? Bring the elderly in here.
I can't fit all those leftovers in my fridge,
okay, get in here."
It just doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense why Trump is willing
to risk old people being exposed to corona this much,
unless, unless he thinks that it'll end up
making him look good in the long run
because you won't have old people dying
if all the old people are already dead.
(tapping)
The coronavirus, it's the reason
we're all throwing dinner parties in a parking lot.
Right now, things are looking pretty dire.
There have been over 11 million recorded cases in the US,
and 1/3 of all Americans know someone
who has died of COVID-19.
And with the holidays just around the corner,
there is both good news and bad news.
The bad news, of course, is that you won't be able
to spend time with your extended family.
The good news is you won't have to spend time
with your extended family.
And this morning there was also some really good news.
- [Reporter] This morning, another potential breakthrough
in the battle against COVID, a vaccine developed by Moderna,
showing a 94.5% efficacy rate
in a trial with 30,000 participants.
One big difference between the Moderna vaccine
and one developed by Pfizer,
that also reported very promising results in early trials,
Moderna says its vaccine doesn't need to be kept
at extremely low temperatures to remain stable.
That could help with shipping and distribution.
- Yes people, just weeks after a vaccine was announced,
there's another one on the way!
I mean, are you serious?
No vaccine, two vaccines.
I mean, at this point in three months,
we have so many vaccines,
you're gonna be able to pick the one
that just best fits your personality.
Are you getting the Moderna vaccine?
No, dude, I'm getting the Pfizer one, I mean, I'm a Gemini.
Now, apparently the Pfizer vaccine is 90% effective,
but the Moderna vaccine is 94.5% effective.
You know what that means right?
I'm taking both, because then I'll be 184% immune
from COVID baby, whoo!
When COVID is in the room, it's gonna catch me.
Where you at COVID, where you at?
This is also going to raise the stakes for vaccines
because some scientists will come out like,
I made another vaccine, it is 88% effective,
and we'll be like, what, kill yourself you 88% dumb ass.
And here's something interesting.
Moderna says that its research is going much faster
than expected because in order to get enough data
they need a certain number of people in the study
to catch coronavirus, and that has been extremely easy
because this pandemic is so out of control.
Just imagine that for a second.
We're getting the vaccine faster
because of irresponsible people.
So you need to go out on your balcony
at 7:00 PM tomorrow night
and you clap for those people who are not wearing masks.
(crowd applauding and cheering)
But guys, let me tell you something.
When this vaccine hits, the streets are gonna be lit.
It's going to be like the end of World War II.
Hell, I'm gonna be in Times Square,
kissing the first bat that I see.
Come here. (smooching)
This is the time of year
when Americans would normally be fighting
over whether to get the canned cranberry sauce
or the good canned cranberry sauce.
But in corona, the big question is
whether to have Thanksgiving at all.
(festive music)
- [Reporter] There's no place like home for the holidays
and that indulgent Thanksgiving feast
with friends and family.
But coast to coast, cases of the coronavirus are on the rise
and travel plans are changing.
In a recent survey, 47% of Americans
say they're going to cancel.
- There is growing concern the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday
could turn into a super spreader event.
- [Reporter] New York City's mayor, Bill de Blasio,
just announcing that the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
will go virtual this year.
- [Reporter] Some experts are calling
the hundreds of thousands of college students
traveling across the country for the holidays,
quote, "Little ticking time bombs."
- Oh yeah, this is the perfect holiday week for corona.
Young people come home from colleges,
party together indoors in their hometown,
and then hang out with their oldest relatives.
You best believe corona is already lining up right now
like it's a Black Friday sale on grandparents.
And let's be honest, corona would just be
one more shitty thing that kids bring home from college
because college kids only bring stuff home
that nobody wants, piles of dirty laundry,
shitty-tasting beer, their new boyfriend
who starts every sentence with, well according to Nietzsche.
Shut up and pass the mashed potatoes, Beckett.
Honestly, I think they should
just cancel the parade all together.
Why would I want to watch a virtual balloon of SpongeBob
when I can just watch the actual SpongeBob?
In fact, why am I even talking to you now
when I could be watching SpongeBob?
(laughing)
Squidward, you never win.
But even with the pandemic,
many people don't want to cancel Thanksgiving altogether.
And the good news, people,
is that you don't need to cancel Thanksgiving
as long as you take some simple precautions.
- [Reporter] If you have no choice
but to have dinner indoors, be sure to open the windows.
- Really let that outdoor air circulate in.
It'll get nice and cold,
but you're also getting a lot of air exchange,
and it'll really create that outdoor environment indoors.
- [Reporter] Eat at separate tables if dining inside.
- [Reporter] Of course the safest Thanksgiving is going
to be spent virtually, apart but together,
and Zoom is trying to help out with that.
They're going to be lifting their 40 minute time limit
on free video chats so your Thanksgiving video calls
can go on for as long as you'd like.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Zoom is allowing unlimited calls?
Do they not realize how much they are screwing us over?
People, that 40 minute time limit
was a get out of jail free card.
Yeah, you can thank Zoom this year
when you're on a three hour call
with your cousin explaining his foot surgery.
You see Trevor, it's called a metatarsal.
And in the foot, there are many bones, they're smaller,
they can break and fracture.
And connected to that one is the meniscus
through the Achilles tendon, which can be pulled slightly,
and then that can create the problem.
But the doctor said, the doctor said what, "We can fix it."
But a lot of these suggestions are smart,
like opening the windows is a great idea.
It improves ventilation and social distancing
because you see, once the room is freezing
and the food is all cold,
everyone will get back in their cars and go home.
In fact, I also have an idea for a safe Thanksgiving.
Instead of playing your annual touch football game,
keep social distance by playing paintball.
Also don't tell anyone else that you're playing paintball.
Yeah, if you're the only one with a paintball gun,
you automatically win.
Of course a smaller guest list just means a smaller turkey.
And weird as it seems,
even that is creating a problem this year.
- Health officials are really urging people to pass
on that big traditional large family gathering.
- And that has actually led to a weird dilemma.
There's a run on small turkeys.
- [Reporter] Turkeys that are 10 to 14 pounds
are in high demand right now
with consumers reporting picked-over freezer cases
with only 20 pound birds left behind.
That has created a shortage of smaller birds.
- [Reporter] Since the growth time of a turkey starts
in the summer, it's hard to control their size.
- They're going to grow at the pace they're going to grow at
and you can't say,
okay guys we're going to put you on a diet,
that just doesn't work.
- All right, everybody, we did it.
We discovered the most American problem of all time.
You're worried that even your food is too overweight.
And yeah, that farmer is right.
You cannot put a turkey on a diet.
But what you can do is tell them
that their high school reunion is coming up.
Best believe they'll be eating salad
with dressing on the side for a month.
Also, how would a turkey diet even work?
Okay guys, listen up.
This is called a juice cleanse right?
For a week, you're all going to be drinking lemon juice
with like cayenne pepper.
And you know what?
It just seems more normal on Instagram.
Now that I'm saying it to you in real life it feels strange.
But listen here America.
Everybody has to eat the big turkeys, please.
Because if we don't eat the big turkeys this year,
that means they're only going to get bigger next year.
Then by the next year, we'll be wrestling the turkey
over who goes in the oven.
(garbled gobbling) (screaming)
And finally, there's one more way that corona
is making Thanksgiving more difficult than usual.
If the whole family isn't gathering
at Grandma's house this year,
that means they can't just make Grandma do all the cooking.
- [Reporter] With more people staying home for Thanksgiving,
more Americans will be cooking at home for the first time,
and some of them are stressed.
A new survey by Campbell's shows
that one in five home cooks
are going to be first-time Thanksgiving hosts,
and 2/3 of Americans are dreading the possibility
of an epic cooking fail.
- [Reporter] And with more amateur cooks
hitting the kitchen this year,
one firefighter says it could be a recipe for disaster.
- It's easy to see how they get distracted.
They walk away from a stove top.
They walk away from an oven.
And the next thing you know is we have a disaster.
- [Reporter] If culinary arts isn't your calling,
then cooking a Thanksgiving turkey can be tricky.
That's why Whole Foods has teamed up
with Progressive Insurance to provide their
first ever Thanksgiving Turkey protection plan.
If you have a turkey cooking fail,
Whole Foods is offering a $35 gift card as insurance.
- [Reporter] All customers will need a receipt,
a picture of the failed turkey,
and an explanation of what went wrong.
- So Whole Foods actually wants a picture
of a failed turkey?
My only question is will they accept one
of the President of the United States?
(horn blaring)
But for real though man,
you could not have a better embodiment
of the problems facing America than right here, right?
On a day when people gather
during a deadly pandemic to binge eat,
it's the turkey that has a solid insurance plan.
This is why I play it safe and microwave my turkey.
Yeah, it's quick, it's easy,
and you can use all that extra time that you save
to deal with the Salmonella that you contract.
But it looks like, corona or not,
America is going to find some way
to celebrate Thanksgiving this year.
But please, no matter how you do it,
just try and be as safe as you can,
because this pandemic is no joke.
And the most important thing about Thanksgiving
is making sure that you're around for the next one.
("Dog on Fire" by Bob Mould)