- Hi, I'm Dana, welcome to this week's video.
Now, if you're a brand new parent,
this might not have occurred for you yet
but I'm here to warn you
that at some point in your child's little life,
they will prefer one parent over the other
and they will at times not prefer you
as much as they prefer their other parent.
That's just a fact that we all have to go through.
I can remember dropping my daughter off at her daycare.
She was about 18 months I think at the time
and she loved going to this daycare.
She loved the provider.
They had three little pugs that she absolutely adored.
So going there was a really happy place for her.
The trouble was when I picked her up,
we went through this little phase
where she would cry when I came to pick her up
because she didn't wanna leave the babysitter
and I have to be completely honest
that it did hurt a little bit.
It kinda stung that she really loved it there so much
that she wasn't excited to see me at the end of the day
but I had to keep those feelings in check
and know that this is just a part of toddler development.
This is just a way for them to express their preferences
or their dislikes to let you know
that they have some choice in their life now
and this is a super exciting discovery for a toddler
that they have, that they're their own autonomous being
and that they can exert some will and choice
and they can let you know what they like and they don't like
just like they might always want the green sippy cup
or she always wants you to read Goodnight Moon to her
every single night.
That's more about her demonstrating
her ability to make choice
more so than she just really loves Goodnight Moon.
That's most likely not the case
or she's obsessed with the color green.
Not the case, it's just her letting you know that hey,
I have some, I can make some choices here
and I'm gonna continue to pick that book or this sippy cup
to let you know this
and so they will do that with other things in their life too
that they'll no, I want daddy to do it
or no, I want mommy to do it.
It's more just her letting you know
that hey, I can make some choices here
but it does hurt a little bit if you're the parent
for that brief period of time that you almost feel
like you're getting shunned a little bit
like go away, I prefer this person over you
and I'm gonna give you a few tips today
to see if you can curb it
and know that this'll swing back and forth.
There'll be times where you're the favorite
and then your partner's the favorite
and this will kind of pendulum swing
for the first few years of your child's life
until they kinda get,
they understand that doing those sorts of things
has consequences to the other person.
Right now they don't really know that
and it has nothing to do with their love for you.
I promise you that.
So if you are the preferred parent,
there's a couple of things that you can do
to give your partner center stage
and that would be to make yourself scarce
when your partner's around.
You don't always need to be in the action, doing the tasks.
If you see that your child and the partner
are kind of engaging in something,
just back step your way out of the room,
maybe go do some laundry or make a phone call
or just make yourself sort of out of sight
because sometimes out of sight does mean out of mind
and the child will then happily play with that parent.
Another good tip is to create something new
between you and the child.
If you're the shunned parent let's call you for now
then plan a new activity
that's gonna be just you and the child.
So maybe it's hey, starting this Saturday,
just you and I are gonna go
to the farmers market every morning.
I know when my first son was little,
daddy and Charlie went to the beach every Saturday morning
and that was their little outing, their little ritual
and it was just a great way for them to spend time together.
That was their own special time.
I wasn't involved in any way.
So that's really important as well.
Try not to take all of the fun activities, right?
There's certain things that you do in the day
that are the fun stuff like maybe it's bath time
or getting jammies on or making the lunch together.
Let your partner have a chance
to do some of the fun stuff too
so that your child can see that hey,
it's pretty cool to hang out with this person as well.
Now, one last tip.
Your child will have preferences
and she's making those preferences known
but don't let it sway you.
So for example, if it's daddy's night to do bedtime
and she's putting up a fuss that she wants mommy
and there might be tears and she's whining for mommy,
don't give in to that.
I know it's tempting but don't give in to that
because what you'll do then
is you'll reinforce that kind of behavior.
You'll teach her that hey, all she has to do is whine
and cry and kick up a fuss and you will change the plan.
So you can say you know what, it's daddy's night tonight
or it's mommy's night tonight whether you like it or not,
this is what's happening
and once she sees that you mean business around that,
that you don't budge just because she's protesting
this scenario then she will ease into it
and begin to realize that there's really no point
in that kind of behavior because it doesn't work anyway.
Alright, thanks for watching today.
Sleep well.