Transcriber: Syarifa Nurbela Reviewer: Anna Sobota
I’m a neuropsychologist and a lover of wave-free surfing.
And in fact, I love surfing so much that for the last two years,
I traveled along the coast of Europe and Morocco to surf waves there.
And I’m curious if you want to help me start my story today,
and for that, I need a wave.
Do you know how it goes?
Okay, from left to right, and go!
Okay!
So you are the audience that I can surf on this evening.
Thank you so much.
And it brings me right back in front of the ocean.
The sun is shining, blue skies
and I see some beautiful waves are rolling in about my size,
some on top of me and I take my board, I run to the ocean,
I start paddling out to what you call the lineup
and where you can start catching the waves.
So, I’m on my board in the ocean and I see a pretty weak wave coming behind me.
I start paddling, paddling and I jump on my board, last moment,
and raise across the face of the wave.
And for those of you who surf, it’s an amazing feeling.
Now, I repeat it for a couple of hours
and at some point I jump off the wave pretty far out
and I want to paddle back, but I see these big waves coming in.
So I have to be fast because I don’t want to be crushed by the waves.
So I paddle and paddle and I’m able to get over the first wave
and a second wave, even bigger, and I barely get over it,
and a third one, even bigger, even more far away.
And I know I am not okay, I’m screwed.
I’m never going to get over this, but I try to paddle, get on top.
I get sucked back and smashed right into the ocean.
I got the full force of water,
I’m exhausted, I have no breath anymore and no way that I can swim up again.
But funnily enough, I didn't panic.
I’ve gained the experience and the confidence
that I can handle these type of waves.
I know that I just have to relax,
let the current take me
and that within 10 seconds or so I can take a fresh breath of air again.
But this is not always the case.
There’s people that are called big wave surfers
and they surf waves of like six metres until not on official record of 30 metres,
and that’s crazy, that’s surfing a ten-storey high building.
And if you wipe out or fall off such a wave,
then your level of confidence,
experience and relaxation training only get you that far.
These people get completely twisted around,
they don’t know what’s up or down anymore,
and worst case scenario, they run out of breath.
You know, what to do then?
Now in my life on land,
I have experienced these monster waves,
situations that felt so insanely overwhelming
that it resulted in what you call a panic attack.
It’s like a wave of stress literally rising within myself,
like my heart starts beating faster, start hyperventilating, vision narrows.
You want to run away from the feeling, but it’s within myself,
so there’s nowhere to go.
And my mind always tricks me that the things will stay forever like that
or you think that you are dying.
Now, this is quite an extreme case, which some of you might recognize.
But I guess also we all know the feeling of anxiety,
fear, of nervousness to a certain extent.
Now, what happens in the brain
whenever we perceive danger is that our emotional center,
specifically the amygdala, like in the middle of our brain,
it sends a signal to our hypothalamus, which is our hormone control center,
to start producing stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol,
to make our body ready to fight or flight,
or like freeze, you know, in some situations.
And normally, when a danger goes away, you calm down.
And it’s specifically the prefrontal cortex
that is important for executive functioning, aka CEO for brain
because it makes a lot to,
you know, “Get your stuff together. It is fine, danger is away.”
But when the wave is so big that it’s still perceived danger,
it literally causes our brain and our body to be flooded with the stress hormones.
And it makes us feel completely overwhelmed and stuck.
It’s what happens when we black out for an exam or a speaker talk,
or when we lose the love of our life
or when our to do list is so big that we don’t know where to start anymore.
Now, I’m curious,
who of you recognizes this feeling of being overwhelmed and anxious?
A lot of you.
And who of you finds it difficult to ask for help when you are stuck?
Also a lot of you.
And it makes sense because it’s exactly where you need it most,
that it's most difficult to reach out for help.
And, I found that it’s because of two main reasons.
One, asking for help feels vulnerable.
And we don't like to be vulnerable when we are afraid
because we want to protect ourselves.
We don’t want to be a burden, we are afraid to be rejected
or we think we have to carry all the problems ourselves.
And in my work as a psychologist, I see the same with many clients.
You know, the fear to reach out to their partner,
family and their friends,
which might be an issue because
the longer you hold on you to your problems, the heavier they become;
and the problem might just become bigger.
And it’s really okay to be afraid and still be brave enough to ask for help.
Because to speak with the wisdom of Ned Stark from “Game of Thrones”,
“You can only be brave when you’re afraid”.
Now, the second reason why it’s so tricky to ask for help while you’re in distress
is that our rational thinking CEO brain is being hijacked by fear.
So literally, the brain areas
that are needed to ask for help in any meaningful way
are being held hostage.
So finding the right words or knowing where to start
is impossible and completely overwhelming.
Now, but tackling this is like tackling any other big task.
You have to split it into smaller tasks
and especially make the first step so small
that you can take it to set the rest in motion.
Now for myself,
I found a great way to make that first step as small as possible
so I can still do it even while my brain is being hijacked by emotions.
And I call it the power of the purple heart. Thank you.
So, how it works?
Is the same as an inflatable life vest they use in big wave surfing.
So whenever these surfers get smashed by such a monstrous wave
that they cannot get up on time anymore,
they pool on their inflatable vest,
they go off and a jet ski will be there to take them out of the water.
And all I did is that I went to my friends and family and I asked them, like,
“Hey, if I ever get stuck in my own darkness
and I’m not able to get out or need help, may I reach out to you
by means of sending a purple heart?
Meaning: “I need help.
I’m currently unable to ask this in any meaningful way.
Please reach out.”
And I remember a time I worked myself into a burnout.
My start up just failed, my relationship just ended
and I was just completely overwhelmed and massively panicky,
and I needed some medicine to calm down actually.
So I got some medicine from the doctor
and went to the store to get some water to take it,
but I completely froze up in front of the store.
I was just too anxious to get in. I couldn’t do it.
So I had no idea what to do.
So I took my phone, send a purple heart to my mom,
she called like, “Hey, what’s up?”
“I’m in front of the store, I need to get some water
and I cannot get in. Please, guide me.”
So, while having her on the phone, we got through the aisle, took some water.
She reminded me to pay for my water instead of running away with it
and outside, took some medicine,
and I could chill a bit in a park and calm down.
Or more recent, than a bit smaller,
is that also while preparing for this TEDTalk,
my speaker coach, Mark, he knew that whenever I would send a purple heart
that I would be stuck and needed help.
So, thanks again for your help, Mark.
And,
the power of this purple heart lies in communicating its symbol
with someone with someone you trust.
By making this agreement with someone,
it already lowers the barrier to ask for help.
So it makes it easier anyway.
And even more so, it help us to relax whenever a wave takes us.
So because we know that we can pull on our inflatable vest and be helped, if needed.
And if I would ask you anything to do after this talk,
it is to go to your friends and make the agreement
that if someone is stuck, if someone needs help,
that you can sense that purple heart
because sometimes someone is in dire need of help,
without us even knowing it.
And for the future of mental health, we need to be there for each other.
So, put on your inflatable vest, give one to a friend,
enjoy the waves of life
and send out a purple heart if you need to get out of rough water.
Thank you.
(Applause)