NOT TO GET SHIVVED.
♪
>> Tyrus: IT’S THE LATEST
CHAPTER OF THE CRYPTO SCAMMER
WHO’S PROBABLY HEADED TO THE
SLAMMER.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED GETS PRISON
ADVICE HE SORELY NEEDS.
FTX SAM BANKMAN-FRIED GOT
RELEASED ON A $250 MILLION BOND
THE SAME DEAL THEY OFFER ANY
NON-WHITE CRIMINAL.
YEAH, LET THAT SINK IN.
MY GUESTS THEY’RE NOT WORRIED
HE’D JUMP BAIL BECAUSE THAT
INVOLVES, WELL, JUMPING.
HE’S A BAG OF OATMEAL, ALL
RIGHT, LET’S BE HONEST.
DON’T BE POLITE NOW.
WORKERS SPOTTED INSTALLING
SECURITY CAMERAS OUTSIDE THE
HOME OF THE STANFORD UNIVERSITY
CAMPUS.
IF THEY SEE HIM NAKED THE
CAMERAS ARE PROGRAMMED TO
SELF-DESTRUCT.
BANKMAN-FRIED HAS TO WEAR A
KANKLE MONITOR AND CAN ONLY
LEAVE THE HOUSE TO GET SUBSTANCE
ABUSE EXERCISE WHICH IS
SOMETHING HE’S CLEARLY NEVER
DONE BEFORE.
AND YOU DON’T USUALLY SEE
SOMEONE GO TO REHAB FOR EATING
NUTTER BUTTERS, BUT THE GOOD
NEWS IS HE’S STARTER HEROIN AS
AN EXCUSE TO GET FRESH AIR.
MEANWHILE, FARMER BRO MARTIN
SCARELLI HAS SOME ADVISE, SHAVE
YOUR HEAD DEEPEN YOUR VOICE AND
START LISTENING TO RAP.
THE SAME ADVICE I GOT FROM MC
DANA PERINO.
HERE HE IS ON A RECENT PODCAST.
>> MY ADVICE FOR HIM INCLUDES
SHAVING HIS HEAD.
MY ADVICE FOR HIM INCLUDES
DEEPENING HIS VOICE.
SAM IS GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF
ISSUES BECAUSE HE’S A BIT OF AN
A A FEMINATE GUY AND IF PEOPLE
THINK THEY CAN PICK ON YOU THEY
WILL PICK ON YOU AND IT’S AN
ADJUSTMENT.
HE SHOULD LISTEN TO RAP AND
LEARN EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT
GANGS AND THE TOUGH
NEIGHBORHOODS IN EVERY MAJOR
CITY.
THIS SOUNDS FUNNY BUT THIS COULD
SAVE YOUR LIFE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Tyrus: ANY MORE ADVICE?
>> MY SUGGESTION TO HIM IS HE
REBRANDS HIMSELF QUITE A BIT.
IN FACT HE PROBABLY SHOULD NO
LONGER SAY HE’S FROM STANFORD OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HE CAN SAY
HE’S FROM OAKLAND.
I THINK PEOPLE WOULD EARTH RA
HEAR HIM LIE THAN HEAR THE TRUTH
EVEN IF THEY KNOW IT’S A BIT OF
A LIE HE SHOULD PROBABLY START
TO REINVENT HIS BACKGROUND AND
HISTORY BECAUSE THE RICH WHITE
KID FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD, THAT
STORY DOESN’T SOUND GREAT.
>> Tyrus: WELL, THE DUDE ISN’T
WRONG.
FOLLOW IT.
ALTHOUGH ANYONE WHO THINKS
BANKMAN-FRIED IS FROM THE
STREETS MUST BE DRUNK ON THE
TOILET WINE.
AND IF HE IS LISTENING TO RAP
STAY AWAY FROM VANILLA ICE, EVEN
THE ARIAN BROTHERHOOD CALLS HIM
TOO WHITE.
FOR MORE ON THIS I CAUGHT UP
WITH MYSELF AND BANKMAN-FRIED
EARLIER TODAY.
>> TYRUS LIVE, SAM HOW ARE YOU
GETTING READY FOR THE BIG HOUSE.
>> I’VE BEEN PLAYING VIDEO GAMES
SO I CAN RELATE TO THE OTHER
PRISON GUESTS AND STUDYING MUSIC
WITH GUITARS AND HUCKABEE
COLLECTION.
>> SHAVE YOUR HEAD, DO SOME
PUSH-UPS, GIVE ME THIS, LISTEN
TO RAP MUSIC.
I’LL BE BACK IN THREE HOURS.
♪
>> YOU ARE READY.
>> I’M HARD I JUST NEED THIS
TEAR DROP DRAWN ON DOG.
>> I CAN’T DRAW THAT FOR YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT MY --
>> DON’T YOU EVER, EVER SAY THAT.
BACK TO ME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> Tyrus: I’LL START WITH YOU
AND THAT RIVETING PERFORMANCE,
DO YOU THINK SAM BANKMAN-FRIED
WAS GIVEN GOOD ADVICE FOR
PRISON.
>> Joe M: I THINK HE WAS GIVEN
GOOD ADVICE BUT I WOULD BE
REMISS IF I DIDN’T COMMENT HOW
JACKED THAT GUY IS.
MAN, WHAT A HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT’S GOOD
ADVICE.
YOU HAVE TO TOUGHEN UP YOUR
IMAGE ALTHOUGH I WAS TOLD DURING
A PRISON FIELD TRIP IN HIGH
SCHOOL THAT I WOULD DO VERY WELL
IN PRISON.
AN INMATE INTERRUPTED HIS SPEECH
AND SAID YOU’D BE VERY POPULAR
HERE.
SO, I MEAN, MAYBE THE INMATES
JUDGE BY PERSONALITY.
>> Tyrus: YEAH, YEAH.
SURE IT WASN’T YOUR SOFT SKIN
AND SMALL MUSCLE TONE.
>> Joe M: MOISTURIZE.
>> Tyrus: DO YOU LIKE COOL AID
AS LIP GLOSS.
MICHELLE IS IT FAIR HE WAS
RELEASED ON $250 MILLION BOND?
>> Michele: NOTHING ABOUT THIS
STORY IS FAIR.
EVERY TIME I HEAR SAM
BANKMAN-FRIED I FEEL LIKE THIS
GUY’S GOING TO SKATE.
I FEEL LIKE THIS GUY MIGHT JUST
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
I DON’T KNOW WHY, ’CAUSE THERE’S
LIKE THIS TWO-TIERED SYSTEM OF
JUSTICE, YOU KNOW?
I’M STILL PISSED LOIS LEARNER
ISN’T BEHIND BARS AND HILLARY
CLINTON GOT AWAY WITH ALL THE
E-MAILS.
BUT IT FEELS LIKE THIS GUY
BECAUSE OF HIS STANFORD
CONNECTIONS AND ALL THAT GOOD
ADVICE HE JUST GOT MAY JUST WALK
AWAY UNSCATHED.
I DON’T KNOW.
I MEAN, IT’S A MASSIVE CRIME AND
I GUESS 115 YEARS BEHIND BARS IS
THE POTENTIAL SENTENCE BUS I
HAVE THIS AWFUL FEELING THAT
LIKE IN ALL HIS INTERVIEWS HE’S
GOING TO SIT IN FRONT OF THE
JURY AND SAY YOU KNOW, I JUST
WAS SO BUSY AND I WAS BUSY AND
HAD TO COMB MY HAIR A LOT SO I
COULDN’T KEEP TRACK OF
EVERYTHING GOING ON.
SO THAT’S -- NONE OF THIS IS
FAIR.
NONE OF IT’S RIGHT.
>> Tyrus: JOE, YOU’RE FROM THE
STREETS.
>> Joe D: I AM.
>> Tyrus: WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS
WHOLE SITUATION, DO YOU THINK
BECAUSE HE’S BEEN A, I GUESS AN
UPPER CLASS CRIMINAL THAT HE’S
GOING TO BE ABLE TO SWERVE HIS
WAY THROUGH THE PRISON HIERARCHY
AND CONVINCE EVERYONE TO INVEST
IN HIM NOT PHYSICALLY?
>> Joe D: HE WAS GIVEN THE BEST
PIECE OF PRISON ADVICE, DON’T
TELL THEM YOU LIVE IN STANFORD.
DON’T TELL THEM.
WHEN YOU SEE THEM SAY SOMETHING
LIKE TELL THEM YOU WENT TO
BROWN.
NO, TELL THEM YOU WENT TO
COLUMBIA FOR GOD’S SAKE.
THEY’RE HARD CRIMINALS.
TELL THEM YOU WANT TO PENN IF
YOU WANT TO LIVE.
I DON’T KNOW IF THAT ADVICE IS
GOOD, NOTWITHSTANDING THE
PERFORMANCE OF KING CONGRESS
BUNDY OVER HERE.
I DON’T THINK I WOULD DO WELL ON
THE INSIDE.
I’M NOT DOING GREAT ON THE
OUTSIDE.
>> Tyrus: TO BE FAIR.
>> Joe D: RIGHT.
>> Tyrus: WELL, WE DO HAVE A
DOCTOR ON THE SHOW SO I WOULD BE
REMISS NOT TO ASK A MEDICAL
QUESTION.
DOCTOR, IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL
OPINION WHICH JOE WOULD DO
BETTER IN PRISON?
>> Dr. Nicole: PUT THEM TOGETHER
AND THEY BOTH ARE WINNERS.
>> Joe D: LOOK AT THAT.
>> Dr. Nicole: FIRST OF ALL
TYRUS YOU SKIMMED OVER THE PART
WHERE THEY SAY HE’S AT HOUSE
ARREST BUT HE CAN LEAVE THE
HOUSE FOR EXERCISE AND MENTAL
HEALTH TREATMENT.
THAT’S BETTER THAN NON-CRIMINAL
AMERICANS WERE TREATED
THROUGHOUT OUR LOCKDOWNS, THINGS
WERE CLOSED YOU WERE LOCKED IN
YOUR HOUSE AND ALL MENTAL HEALTH
WENT ON LINE SO HE HAS THE ROYAL
TREATMENT.
AND THEN YOU HAVE MARTIN ON THE
GUY WHO PRICE GOUGED LIFESAVING
MEDICATIONS TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK
BECAUSE HE COULD DO IT.
THAT’S WHO’S GIVING HIM ADVICE?
THESE TWO KIDS ARE DISGUSTING
AND POOR EXAMPLE OF THIS
GENERATION ABOUT A QUICK BUCK
AND DON’T CARE WHO THEY STEP ON
ALONG THE WAY.
>> Tyrus: I THINK HE WAS GIVING
THAT ADVICE IN CASE THEY WERE IN