we've asked for your input about what your biggest challenges are what your
questions are as parents here's one that comes up a
lot Vicki how strict should parents be let's talk about it
Vicki you are a fact finder that is true this is something you might not know
about her but she's always looking up the facts so can we start with some
facts okay what are some facts the research that's been done around
parental authority suggests that there are two things that are necessary in
order for you as a parent to have authority okay two things two things all
right what are they? the ability to set and enforce limits okay all right now
that's gonna speak to the strictness issue that we're talking we're gonna
talk about that will come right back to that and the second thing is being seen
as a provider of good times and good things.
okay
in other words you've got to
be fun it requires
yeah those are kind of interesting they almost feel
like they're opposite ends
right but you think about the people in your life who
have had authority over you maybe it's your parents maybe it's a coach maybe
it's a teacher an instructor from when you were younger and those two elements
are commonly found in all the examples that we've looked at okay about someone
who has authority so to have authority as a parent we have to be able to set
and enforce those limits
can I just stop you for a second I think that speaks
really strongly when you say set and informed enforce yeah that's a real
tricky part as parents you know that plays back to a lot of the other videos
we've talked about is how to set limits that we can and will enforce.
you know I
did child custody evaluations 13 years in my career you remember this
I do
and one of the things that came up so commonly that was so frustrating to
these parents going through this difficult time is all of the
unenforceable rules that come up in a divorce now if you're in that
situation know exactly what I'm talking about
as parents we have to have enforceable limits because we can't count on our
kids to enforce their own limits this puts you in a better position as a
parent too because if you can't enforce the limit then you're counting on your
kids to do that for themselves and if they don't want to they won't cooperate
with you and then we've got many him right if you can enforce it you don't
even have to argue you don't have to be mean you don't have to be upset you have
to negotiate because you're in control right and so that's maybe the
distinction we need to make here between strict and mean is there a difference oh
yes definitely and the more empowered you are to set and enforce appropriate
limits the less mean you need to be right you can smile and actually you're
going to have more authority if you're not mean if you're able to do it in a
very calm way exactly let's talk about the be seen as a provider of good things
of good times and good things kids need to have some fun that is the way play is
the child's work and how they write and being fun makes you more engaging to
those kids too I tend to be kind of goofy really and if you hadn't noticed
and it makes me really accessible to kids yeah
I have little 18 month old kids in my office that come in with their parents
and they're just totally enthralled with me why because I'm seen as a provider of
good times and grades I've got toys in my office engaging in goofy right and
and I do the same thing at work you know I go into a classroom of maybe 20 little
kids from age 2 3 to 5 and I only work with maybe 15 of them and the others are
always saying please can I go with you you want to be that person for them that
they want to hang out with you which is the purpose for being seen as a provider
of good times right things Plus that gives you some leverage right because
when we go back to the discipline part of things how are you going to enforce
some of the limits that you're setting through the good times and good things
that you're a provider of if you're a source of those things then people have
a reason to listen to you that's the power of it now we talked about we need
to set forced limits we've got a set of caution
here though being too strict can breed resentment and rebellion and rebellion
yes especially as the kids get older so you don't want to be making up rules
willy-nilly just because you're the parent and you can I think they need to
make sense and they need to be couched in your job as a parent which is to love
them no matter what yeah that's your job not so if you're
making if you're making your rules to show them who's in charge or to even
fulfill your own need to be seen or for your family to be seen some particular
wait you're not couched in love at that point and so probably you're going to
breathe some resentment or rebellion the question was how strict of a parent
should we be no there's another element here too that is important as it relates
to strictness sometimes if parents are too strict mm-hmm not only does it breed
the rebellion and the resentment that you were talking about but it creates
the wrong learning in the child's mind I say wrong learning they're learning
something you may not want them to learn what we want them to learn is that their
choices every choice they make has a consequence the better their choices the
better their consequences if you're too strict as a parent what they learn is oh
my freedom depends on mom's mood and what she decides just willy-nilly to
grant me that's not what we want him to learn tie it to the consequence
consequences results that's all tied to my behavior well I think I think we kind
of have to step back and look at what is our end result we want to raise children
who know they're loved that's our job is to love them but we are even it yeah but
we really do want children who are good citizens who are honest kind people who
are good citizens you know we can't make them be that but that's what we're going
to provide for them we're hoping to provide an environment in which they can
grow and be like that in order to be good citizens they are going to have to
learn how to exercise their own choice their own moral agency and so we've got
to provide an opportunity for that so here's the balance the right amount of
strictness for a parent has you emotionally disengaging from the
results so that really it goes back on their shoulders so you're not all tied
up in you have to do it this way no it's more of a choice
it's here's this way and these consequences here's this way in these
consequences I'm going to honor whichever choice you make and that means
that you're also very consistent in following through with appropriate
consequences if you leave that part out you don't have authority right with that
child so emotionally disengaging from the outcome and being able to
consistently apply those consequences I think that's the right amount of
strictness sounds good thanks for being here and for being so conscious in your
job as a parent we need more conscious parents we sure do don't we yeah would
you please share this with somebody that you think would be a good part of our
positive parenting community here and if you haven't yet checked it out the
parenting power up its where Vicki and I have teamed up to provide you the tools
that you need to be a more confident positive just the right amount of
strictness parent right and you can link to it right over there
or down below in the description parentingpowerup.com we hope to see
you there as well