I find that I'm happiest in life
if I can remain indifferent
about politics.
That's always true.
It's hard to do, though, right?
Everybody wants to be mad
all the time.
Not me.
But they see this new car of mine
has a political bumper sticker on it.
(audience laughing)
Right, it just came that way,
all opinionated.
(audience laughing)
I don't like that.
I want to get rid of that thing,
chisel that thing off there.
But man, you ever tried to take
a bumper sticker off a car?
It's hard, right?
About 10 minutes after you try
to take that bumper sticker off there,
I started to become
indifferent about that bumper
sticker being on there.
(audience laughing)
So now by default,
I am super into Bob Dole.
(audience laughing)
I'm a Dole man, still.
I'm still a Dole man.
(audience laughing)
I just started working out,
as is new with me
and it's not working out.
(audience laughing)
It's not that I hate working out.
I just hate my gym because my gym
has great big windows everywhere.
And every time I'm on the treadmill,
I'm forced to see all the people
outside walking for free.
(audience laughing)
I used to jog.
I quit jogging because I got tired
of people asking if I'm OK.
(audience laughing)
Quit tae bo for the same reason.
It's hard to motivate yourself
to work out when you're alone,
so I wanted to hire somebody
to help me.
So I hired a physical therapist.
(audience laughing)
Right, now I know that was not
the right thing to do.
(audience laughing)
If you don't know, I'll tell you,
you'll know now.
There's a big difference
between a physical therapist
and a personal trainer.
(audience laughing)
Huge.
(audience laughing)
It's almost like a completely
different occupation.
(audience laughing)
I did think it was a bit odd.
Like I showed up like, oh, this guy
is going to really push me today.
And all he wants me to do
is just like put my hands
on these railings
and just take three little steps.
(audience laughing)
He's all motivating me.
He's like, "you can do it.
(audience laughing)
"I know you can do it."
He's right, too.
I nailed it.
(audience laughing)
First try.
(audience laughing)
Tears of joy he cried for me.
(audience laughing)
He said that I was brave for doing
what I had just done.
(audience laughing)
With all that I had been through,
he said.
(audience laughing)
I guess I worked out today.
(audience laughing)
I guess a lot of people
get those two occupations mixed up
because as I was leaving the gym,
there's this other guy who's
shouting at this poor guy.
He's all, "you better give me
"50 push ups
"or I'm never going to let you leave."
That guy wouldn't even get out
of his wheelchair.
(audience laughing)
I like to listen to Sports Talk
Radio when I'm working out.
I was entering the gym,
and I realized as I was walking out,
I was like, oh, I forgot my earbuds.
And I was all bummed out because
I can't listen to anything.
And as I was in the locker room,
I'm pulling out yesterday's
workout clothes.
And hey, ha ha ha,
out plops my earbuds out of the bag.
I didn't know they were in there.
So when I saw him hit the floor,
I was excited.
And I go, out loud I go, nice.
(audience laughing)
Right, but I said it just
as that guy's towel dropped.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Right, what do you do then?
You can't explain yourself.
(audience laughing)
You can't be like,
"Not you naked guy right there--
(audience laughing)
--that I'm looking at,
explaining the situation to,
smoothing things over. Right?
That makes it worse, right?
Here's what I did.
I overemphasized this.
I was like, yay.
(audience laughing)
This is definitely what I was
talking about.
(audience laughing)
I know I'm not in shape.
I know that because the other day
I fell down in the shower.
(audience laughing)
I did.
I wish I could blame it on something.
Maybe soap on the feet.
I wish I could say somebody had
suddenly jumped in there with me.
(audience laughing)
We're going to fight.
(audience laughing)
That wasn't the case.
It was just me, and I fell down.
(audience laughing)
Actually not down, it was more out.
(audience laughing)
I fell through the curtain.
(audience laughing)
It was like halfway, like my feet
were like still in the tub
while my head was like looking
right over the toilet--
(audience laughing)
the bottom part, the part you don't
see very often.
(audience laughing)
Actually, if you've seen the bottom
of your toilet,
and you are not fixing it,
you fell down too.
(audience laughing)
I came this close from hitting
my head on the toilet and dying.
(audience laughing)
That is not a cool way
to die at all.
(audience laughing)
Some of the chalk outline
would have to go on the seat.
(audience laughing)
One time I told my friend
that story.
And he said, "you know what?
"that's not right."
He said, "in order for there to be
"a chalk outline,
"it has to be a homicide."
(audience laughing)
I was like, well,
I'd hope they'd think it's
a homicide.
(audience laughing)
I'd hope they'd give me the benefit
of the doubt.
(audience laughing)
It was like, obviously there was
foul play here.
(audience laughing)
I mean, he's not an idiot.
(audience laughing)
He didn't just fall out
of the shower.
(audience laughing)
Yes, put the chalk outlines.
It's a murder.
(audience laughing)
The crazy toilet head bashing guy.
(audience laughing)
Wake the commissioner.
(audience laughing)
I went to the coffee shop today.
The coffee shop I go to,
they don't just sell coffee.
They also sell carrot cake.
But see, the sign at the carrot cake,
it doesn't just say carrot cake.
It says, wow, carrot cake.
(audience laughing)
Right, the only time anybody should
ever say wow, carrot cake,
is if you make carrot cake
accidentally.
(audience laughing)
I was trying to mow the lawn.
(audience laughing)
It's carrot cake.
(audience laughing)
Wow.
(audience laughing)
I went to a Greek restaurant,
I said, how you pronounce it--
gyro or gyeero?
He said, "either."
I said, don't you mean eye-ther?
(audience laughing)
This is my favorite thing
to do when I fly.
I don't talk to the person
I'm sitting next to
the entire flight.
Then as soon as we touch down,
I say, can I have a ride home?
(audience laughing)
Oh, you guys should do it.
I do it.
This is fun.
If you use Google Maps,
do what I do.
This is great.
Always set it to the walk mode.
(audience laughing)
You reach your destination,
and you just feel like you made
amazing time.
(audience laughing)
You can talk down to Google Maps.
You can be like,
you thought that would take
45 minutes, you idiot?
More like five.
(audience laughing)
Good tip on cutting through the park
like that, though.
(audience laughing)
Really good idea.
(audience laughing)
The quicker route.
(audience laughing)
Let me give you guys a tip.
If you ever go to the Middle East--
Israel, Egypt, any place like that--
don't make the mistake I did.
Don't use those maps in the back
of your Bible to get around.
(audience laughing)
Those are way out of date.
(audience laughing)
Went to church with my family
recently.
A little disturbing, though,
because the greeter there
at the front door--
the guy who shakes people's hands
when you walk in--
only had two fingers.
(audience laughing)
A little disturbing, I agree.
(audience laughing)
Like, if you're going to greet at church,
you've just got to have your fingers.
(audience laughing)
You should have nearly all of them.
(audience laughing)
Like four?
Maybe.
Three?
Only if no one else is available.
(audience laughing)
But two?
(audience laughing)
Get a glove.
(audience laughing)
Like a mitt or whatever.
I'm not trying to be insensitive.
I'm not.
I'm just saying, it was like this.
(audience laughing)
And I shook it,
and that's the bad part.
(audience laughing)
Actually thinking back on it,
I shouldn't have shook it at all.
When he gave me this,
I should have gone with the rock.
(audience laughing)
This beats that.
This guy walks around shaking hands
with people all the time.
Shaking and they are losing--
(audience laughing)
--a game they don't even know
they're playing.
(audience laughing)
This guy's a huge winner,
in my opinion.
(audience laughing)