WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I WAS WATCHING, WE HAD EVERY PLAN IN
THE WORLD TO START TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE BY TALKING ABOUT WHAT
I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN TOMORROW'S MONOLOGUE, THE LATEST
JANUARY 6th HEARING BUT WE JUST LEARNED THIS AFTERNOON THAT
THE COMMITTEE HAS POSTPONED TOMORROW'S HEARING SAYING QUOTE,
NO T IS FOR A GOOD REASON N LIGHT OF HURRICANE IAN BEARING
DOWN ON PARTS OF FLORIDA WE HAVE DECIDED TO POSTPONE TOMORROW'S
PROCEEDINGS. THAT SUNDAY STANDABLE.
WE HOPE EVERYBODY IN FLORIDA STAYS SAFE.
PLEASE, IF YOU CAN, GET OUT OF THE STORM'S PATH.
WORST-CASE SCENARIO-- (APPLAUSE)
WORST CASE SCEN AR YORKS TELL RON DESANTIS YOU ARE VENEZUELAN
MAYBE HE GIVES YOU A FREE PLANE RIDE TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
(APPLAUSE) ONE EVENT THAT WILL NOT BE
DELAYED IS THE MID TERM ELECTIONS.
GREAT FOR REPUBLICAN SENATE AND THINGS AREN'T LOOKING CANDIDATE
AND VAMPIRE DISTRACTED, OKAY, BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL.
AND VAMPIRE DISTRACTED BY YOUR THROBBING JUGULAR, DR. MEHMET
DR. OZ HAS BEEN TRAILING IN OZ. THE
POLLS FOR THE WHOLE RACE BEHIND PENNSYLVANIA LT. GOVERNOR AND
HALF FINISHED WOOLLY WILLY JOHN FETTERMAN.
RECENTLY OZ WENT ON A RIGHT WING PODCAST AND POINTED OUT THAT
FETTERMAN OFTEN WEARS HOODIES AND CARINGOR ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL AND TRIED TO USE THAT TO SHOW ATTACK HIM BUT THE INSULT
INSULTING. >> WHEN HE DRESSES DIDN'T COME ACROSS AS LIKE THAT, HE
IS KICKING AUTHORITIES IN THE BALANCES, SAYING I'M THE MAN, I
WILL SHOW THOSE GUYS WHO IS BOSS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WAY TO STICK IT TO FETTERMAN BY MAKING HIM
SEEM-- COOL? I TELL YOU, I TELL YOU, WHEN
FETTERMAN DRESSES LIKE THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A MAN YOU DON'T WANT
TO MESS W I MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.
ALSO YOU HAVE SEEN HOW HUGE HE IS.
FEEL SAFE CRADLED IN THOSE I JUST-- JUST THINK I WOULD BURLY
TATTOOED ARMS. NOT LONG AFTER THAT INTERVIEW
FETTERMAN RESPONDED WITH THIS ACTUAL TWEET SHOWING HIS NEW
LOGO, FETTERMAN KICKING AUTHORITY IN THE BALLS.
THAT'S HOW DO YOU IT GOT TO LOVE IT, THAT IS HOW YOU RUN FOR
SENATE. FANTASTIC.
THAT IS FANTASTICMENT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT AUTHORITY BUT HE
DEFINITELY JUST RACKED DR. OZ IN THE NUTS.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE KICKED IN THE BALLS, VLADIMIR
PUTIN, HIS WAR AGAINST UKRAINE HAS BEEN GOING SO BADLY THE LAST
THIS HAS BEEN SUPERUNPOPULAR WEEK, HE ORDERED A DRAFT. AND
TO AVOID IT A LOT OF RUSSIANS ARE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF
NEIGHBORING GEORGIA RESULTING DODGESKY ESPECIALLY TO IN
A LINE OF OVER 5,000 CARS, THAT IS AT LEAST TEN MILES LONG.
AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE FROM A HELICOPTER.
>> TRAFFIC IS PRETTY BACKED UP ALONG THE GEORGIA BORDER SO IF
YOU ARE THINKING OF FLEEING FOR CONSCRIPTION HEAD OUT EARLY AND
>> I HAVE A HELICOPTER, I'M PACK SOME SNACKS. OUT
OF HERE, SEE YOU SUCKERS. >> Stephen: THOSE WHO HAVEN'T
MANAGED TO FLEE-- IVAN IN THE SKY -- THOSE WHO HAVEN'T MANAGED
TO FLEE ARE FINDING OTHER WAYS OUT OF SERVICE BECAUSE MOBILIZED
RUSSIANS HAVE BEEN CALLING A HOTLINE TO ASK HOW TO SURRENDER.
HOTLINE THIS AFTERNOON AND WE WE ACTUALLY CALLED THAT HAVE THIS
RECORDING. >> WELCOME TO THE SURRENDER
HOTLINE. FOR INFORMATION ON HOW TO SU
FOR SHOW TIMES FOR MINIONS, RENDSER PRESS ONE. THE
RISE OF GROOT, PRESS 2-RBGS FOR-- AND ESPANOL NUMBERO
THREEA. >> AND I GET WHY THEY WANT TO
CHECK OUT THIS LEAKED VIDEO OF PREEMPTIVELY SURRENDER. A
GROUP OF SOLDIERS REPORTEDLY BEING TOLD WHAT TO PACK FOR THE
FRONT LINES. >> GET YOUR IL GIRLFRIENDS AND
WIFE TOES GET SANITARY PAD, THE CHEAPEST PADS PLUS THE CHEAPEST
TAMPONS, YOU KNOW WHAT THE TAMPONS ARE FOR?
YOU SHOVE IT RIGHT INTO THE BULLET WOUND AND THE TAMPON
EXPANDS AND APPLIES PRESSURE TO THE WOUND.
>> Stephen: TAMPONS TO PLUG GUNSHOT WOUNDS, THAT SAWFUL.
PLUS SO AWKWARD TO ASK FOR. I'VE BEEN SHOT.
I'VE BEEN SHOT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE A-- TAMPON.
(APPLAUSE) GO TO THE BATHS ROOM TOGETHER.
NOT EVERYONE IS FLEEING RUSSIAN A SOME FOLKS ARE PUTTING DOWN
ROOTS LIKE NSA WRESTLE BLOWER AND SHOWED UP AT THE FUNERAL
DRESSED LIKE, THAT EDWARD SNOWDEN, EVER SINCE LEAKING
SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM SNOWDEN DETAILS TO THE NSA HAS BEEN LIVING
IN EXILE IN RUSSIA. YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED HE
CITIZENSHIP. THAT SAY ROUGH WAS GRANTED RUSSIAN BIT OF TIMING,
BUD. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE
CITIZEN, PUT RIGHT HAND ON POTATOE AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
I, STATE YOUR NAME, I, STATE YOUR NAME SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO
IMMEDIATELY GO TO BE EXPLODED IN UKRAINE.
HERE IS PASSPORT AND WEAPON, SHARP AND TAMPON.
OTHER PEOPLE-- (APPLAUSE)
RUSSIAN CITIZENSHIP BY FORCE OTHER PEOPLE ARE FLEEING BECAUSE
PUTIN HAS MADE OCCUPIED PARTS OF UKRAINE VOTE ON JOINING RUSSIA
IN SHAM REFERENDUMS. AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A
COPY OF THAT BALLOT. SHOULD UKRAINE JOIN RUSSIA.
DA, SUPER DA. OR DAHHH, I'M FALLING OUT A
WINDOW. VERY SLIPPERY FLOORS.
VERY SLIPPERY FLOORS. A LOT OF BANANAS.
A LOT OF BANANAS IN THE PENTHOUSE.
ACCORDING TO ONE UKRAINIAN MAYOR THE GET OUT OF THE VOTE EFFORT
HAS BEEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK. THEY BANG LOUDLY, THEY RING THE
DOOR BELL, THEY GIVE PEOPLE A BALLOT AND POINT WITH THEIR
RIFLES WHERE TO PUT THE MARK. AND OF COURSE LIKE ALL ELECTIONS
IT IS BEING RUN BY ELDERLY VOLUNTEERS.
DING DONG. HELLO TAFARECH, HERE IS YOUR
BALLOT, VOTE IN THE RIGHT WAY OR I WILL POP A CAP IN YOUR ASS,
OKAY? ALL RIGHT, THERE SAY BAKE SALE
DOWN THERE. STAYING OVERSEAS IN THE U.K.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE RELEASED KING CHARLES 3rd OFFICIAL MONDAY
GRAM DESIGN. TAKE THAT PEOPLE WHO SAY ITS
MONARCHY IS AN OUTDATED INSTITUTION THAT DOES NOTHING.
THEY RELEASE MONOGRAMS. JUST IN CASE--
(APPLAUSE) VERY IMPORTANT.
JUST IN CASE YOU WANT TO BUY THE KING OF ENGLAND A BATH TOWEL.
WE HAVE IT? TAKE A LOOK.
OKAY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. CLASSY.
INTERTWINED WITH THE LETTER R, FEATURES THE KING'S INITIAL R
FOR REX, LATIN FOR KING, AND INTERTWINED FOR YEARS OF
INBREEDING. WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE-- SEE, HE
WOULDN'T LIKE IT. HE WOULDN'T.
IT IS A LONG STORY. WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE FROM OUTER
SPACE, LAST NIGHT I TOLD YOU ABOUT NASA'S DART MISSION, WHICH
SAY TEST TO SEE IF THEY COULD KNOCK A PLANET KILL ERAS TROID
OFF COURSE AND SAVE THE EARTH. THEY TRIED A MINI VERSION OF
WASN'T PRESENTLY THREATENING THAT ON A SPACE ROCK THAT US AND
GUESS WHAT THE DART MISSION SUCCESSFULLY SLAMMED INTO THE
ASTEROID, THERE IS THE SLAM RIGHT THERE.
IN YOUR FACE, IN YOUR FACE, ASTEROID, PLANET SAVED.
WE, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A DIRECT HIT IT WILL TAKE ABOUT
TWO MONTHS FOR SCIENTISTS TO DETERMINE IF THE ASTEROID'S
ORBIT HAS CHANGED. SO IF THIS WERE A REAL
EMERGENCY, I WOULD BE TELLING YOU FOLKS, WE MAY HAVE SAVED THE
PLANET, WE'LL FIND OUT IN TWO MONTHS.
ONE THING TO DO, SPEND TIME >> UNTIL THEN THERE IS ONLY WITH
THOSE YOU LOVE AND TOGETHER SIGN UP FOR A FREE TWO MONTH TRIAL OF
PARAMOUNT PLUS, WE'RE ALL PARAMOUNT PLUS. GOING
TO DIE. WHY NOT.
WATCH THAT YELLOWSTONE, THAT'S PRETTY FUN.
THE MISSION WAS TRICKY, ESSENTIALLY THEY HIT A BULL WET
A SMALLER BULLET THAT THEY SHOT TEN MONTHS AGO BUT THEY NAILED
IT, EARNING THIS JOYFUL CELEBRATION OF THE MOMENT OF
IMPACT. >> THREE, TWO, ONE.
OH MY GOSH. >> OH WOW.
>> AWAITING VISUAL CONFIRMATION. ALL RIGHT.
WE LOST SIGNAL. >> WE GOT IT?
WE HAVE IMPACT. IN THE NAME OF PLANETARY
DEFENSE. >> FANTASTIC.
OH, FANTASTIC. OH.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THOSE HAPPY NERDS.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM THAT IS LOVELY.
QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT. >> VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: WHEN THEY HIT THEIR TARGET TWICE WHEN THEY
LANDED THAT DOUBLE HIGH FIVE. THIS IS A LOT LIKE WHAT HAPPENS
EVERY NIGHT WITH THE WRITERS WHO WORK HERE AT THE LATE SHOW
MISSION CONTROL. HERE THEY ARE WATCHING A LIVE
FEED OF LAST NIGHT'S OPENING MONOLOGUE.
>> SETTING UP THE JOKE, TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN SECONDS TO
PUNCH LINE, FIVE, FOUR, THREE TWO COMEDY.
>> THE QUESTION ASK O DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT, WE HAVE
LAUGHTER, THE ANSWER IS YES. AND THE JOKE LANDED AND IN TWO
MONTHS WE'LL FIND OUT IF IT WAS PUNY, FUNNY.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND CNN'S CLARISSA WARD.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE HOTTEST NEW RIDESHARING APPS.