G'day, A.J. Mahari here are you codependent are you still focused on ruminating about
chasing stealth hoovering reverse hoovering waiting to be hoovered thinking that you've gone
no contact is so so very many people out there say and yet there's avenues of contact open
and you're kidding yourself why would you be doing that to yourself what is this over focus all about
how is it that you still think despite all the evidence to the contrary
that pursuing closure will get you closer or that the pursuit of closure is really about closure
because more often than not it's not you might believe it is but it's about
do-overs and trying again and just not accepting loss just not accepting when something didn't work
out not accepting unfortunately the pain and more that you've been caused but what is this narrative
out there for codependents that everything is a borderline's fault i'm not saying they're
not responsible for what they do of course they are but what about what you're responsible for
which is not disengaging not leaving not getting help putting up with it
going forward having false hope um for all the reasons people keep pursuing people with bpd
even when they've ghosted you they've betrayed you they monkey branched you
what is it in your psychology what is it in you
that this treatment doesn't make you stop and go wait a minute
not only what about me meaning you never mind low self-esteem and low self-worth
why don't you have self-respect and many people with codependency have self-respect in terms of
careers success in other avenues in in areas of life but emotionally people's codependency
lacks self-respect this is another huge part of the reasons why people will continue to
pursue the person with bpd or want to be hoovered or go around again or go around again
for some people that ultimate trigger for some codependency ultimate trigger is i can't be
alone oh it's a coveted world it's harder to meet people true so i'll just go back i'll all
reverse uber i i gotta go back to that person and like i've alluded to in in other um videos
people go back and after these breakups or on and off again situations for people with codependency
they end up on psych meds not a good idea for anybody by the way i'm going to keep saying that
i'm going to be putting together some things and maybe they'll be video series coming soon
at aj mahari.co um maybe i'll be doing a little bit here on youtube but there's so much more to
understand about this and there's so much more to know about this what i'm always saying is
pseudoscience of psychiatry in american psychiatry and the true dangers of psychiatric medication so
now we have a lot of people there's a lot of people out there and i'm aware due to client
work but i'm not going to say anything specific here of a lot of people who the first trigger back
to wanting the person or to want to get back with a person with bpd or even npd can just be i can't
be alone that's not the same for all people with codependency but for a lot of other people
for a lot more people with codependency it's pursuit of why the answer to the question why
there's no logical answer to the question why did they do this why did they do that why this why
that how come you know we're fighting you know this that we got closer everything was great
and then boom they're gone i think i explained i you know i've got now i've done 1500 videos
for this channel but what remains up is there are disability i'm in the low 500s now in total videos
go watch a lot of them if you haven't already the answers are there everything you could
ever want to know and then some i'm not saying everything absolutely under the sun but i'll
continue to do some of those videos explaining more about people bpd and what's going on
but it's never good enough for people with codependency really
you can watch a lot of those videos and other people's videos and whether the information is
accurate in other places or not you might relate to the youtuber or whatever but the point is
what about you what about you what about you what are you pursuing what are you running in
circles after that yeah i've had lots of clients describe to me what what they believe it is
that's not really what it is
it's something that still remains outside the conscious awareness of many people's codependency
so they think it is the pursuit of closure when something's ended without closure what's logical
about thinking you can get closure in a week in two weeks in a month in uh seven months in a year
and i gotta tell you if you get on your own healing recovery journey if you start caring more
about yourself and less about the cluster b you can not quit quick but you can much more quickly
find that you care much less about that elusive closure because that closure and pursuit of
closure is really about a myriad of things abandoning yourself some more not facing your own
issues not wanting to feel the pain that you're in maybe not knowing how to process your pain
maybe you've known a lot of pain in your life for a lot of different reasons a lot of people with
codependency who end up with cluster b's have a cluster be parent some people know that for
sure some people aren't aware of that some people still need to realize that it's not the case for
everybody so what is this pursuit of closure all about probably anything and anything but closure
because people trying to pursue closure when it's not there to be found or had
because people bpd or narcissists for that matter don't understand enough about what they're doing
or how they impact you to even be able to really speak to closure at all so what are you pursuing
well the question might be what are you pursuing in trying to pursue closure
because you think that'll bring you relief and even if it was available it it wouldn't bring
you as much relief as you think the pursuit of closure with a cluster b is just still really
rather the avoidance of one's own pain people that caught a pendancy through the false hell through
the false self story have this sort of entitled just just a little bit of of self-entitlement
in a way that's really not the right thing to call it that's the only thing that comes to mind
and that you think that you deserve disclosure that you should just get this closure when they
don't have it to give so does that pursuit of closure whatever that might really mean
for many more codependents than really the closure isn't that pursuit of closure about something that
is in your wounded inner child that you've been needing closer to for a lifetime that got you into
the relationship with the cluster being the first place though you didn't know that consciously
what was going to happen the repetition cycles of codependency and the way that
people of codependency not only continue to abandon themselves to this pursuit of closure
you need to find your own closure in a healing and recovery process i'm out here to help you with
that if i resonate with you i help clients and have been for 30 plus years with that
but i can guarantee you one thing the closure isn't going to come from the cluster b and that's
not really what you're after you are do-over you have something driving this cycle inside of you
it's something to happen in your childhood and it is your unconscious seeking of reparation of that
through this person that you're pursuing in the name of i need closure i need to know
why he or she said or did this isn't that rather externalizing out your control
like doesn't that sound or can you hear that that sounds like way extending your
control out beyond where you have any agency or control over anyone or anything but yourself
someone with people with uh codependency
don't want to go home alone don't want to sit alone don't want to face themselves
and and if that resonates with you then why aren't you in hot pursuit of the answer to
the question why is that why is that your out reality why is that the case
no most people's codependency will still want to pursue the borderline they want to pursue
that person for closure for reengagement because oh you're so worried about them too
i'm not saying you're not or that people don't really have those concerns and worries but again
when you're so worried about them are you worried about you because you should be worried about you
you're over every limit and boundary that's that's healthy for any human being because you don't have
a lot of those limits and boundaries you're so worried what's going to happen to them if
or you think they're going to want to have a great life with the next person
no it takes many many years of treatment for anything to change for people with bpd
so all these thoughts and ruminations are actually codependent thoughts and ruminations they come
from childhood woundedness the woundedness in your inner child that have to do with negative
core beliefs that have to do with something else you went through and it's it's really
not so much about that cluster b the cluster be awoken it might have really woken that in you
triggered it in you be trying to bring it to your consciousness the whole situation
but maybe that's what you're resisting the most in the pursuit of the borderline for quote closure
unquote just some of you to think about today doesn't make it any easier to stop the patterns
but as a commenter recently said on the channels about changing bad habits
seriously it's way more than bad habits you've been inculcated and programmed by pain in your
childhood that is unresolved it is still in your inner child and that is still manifesting itself
in your life just not in a conscious way you think you're you know you're 30 you're 25
you're 40 you're 50 you're 60 or 70 you got it all together right now we got a wounded inner
child who's acting counter to your best interest not when you don't know where your autonomy ends
and and another's begins whether they can take responsibility for it or not
the codependent pursuit of closure with the borderline that's a mirage and of itself
you're not being honest with yourself maybe you don't have enough awareness of what's in
your unconscious but the codependent pursuit of closure with a borderline when it's over
means that you don't accept it's over and you're trying to exert control
outwardly again abandoning yourself and increasing your own pain and blaming it on the borderline
it's now your responsibility because you know more and now you need to do better for you take care