'Please sit down and fasten your seatbelts.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I’m gradually learning to accept most of life’s humiliations’
That maybe just as well.
This week, Robert Wagner drops some knowledge.
‘It’s better to be rich’
Profound.
The Concorde… Airport ’79 is the 4th and last of the Airport disaster movies
and it’s safe to say that, by this point, the series had somewhat jumped the shark.
The basic premise remains; a planeload of as many star names as they could attract including the late David Warner.
‘I dreamt I was being chased by a giant banana’
gets into trouble and… only plucky pilots can save the day.
'I'd love to see what my horoscope said for this morning.'
With George Kennedy reprising the role of Joe Patroni from the previous films,
'Haven't seen you since 1975, that crash landing at Salt Lake City.'
Although this is the first time he is actually on the plane.
‘They don’t call it the cockpit for nothing honey’
And Alain Delon as ladies man Paul Metron.
Really testing the idea that anything you say in a french accent is sexy.
'Your hair is my french fries.'
Amongst the passengers there’s the usual scattering of personal storylines;
a Russian gymnast in love with a US journalist.
‘Come back here Robert Palmer’
I want to be in one of your music videos.
A mother taking a frozen heart to her son for transplant.
I’ll just put it here, next to the crapper.
‘Was the additional ice put on board?’ ‘It’s in the freezer.’
Great, I'll take a martini.
'Excuse me.'
and the usual smattering of horrifying stereotypes.
'There's nobody home.'
The danger comes from Robert Wagner, whose journalist girlfriend, Maggie, has discovered that his company is involved in shady dealings.
‘Are you saying you’ve never made illegal arms sales?’
‘Maggie, I’m a very rich man’
Of course I’ve made illegal arms sales.
She’s going to Moscow to break the story,
and having failed in a more conventional assassination attempt...'
'Just shoot her through the glass.'
Wagner rigs a drone test to intercept her flight.
‘We have a malfunctioning drone off course from a test range’
What can they do?
‘I’ll get the seatbelt sign’
I know there’s not a lot else they can do but that’s funny.
And that’s both a problem and a saving grace, because at times this film vies with Airplane for how silly it is.
How’s that frozen heart doing?
Whoa, probably should have put the catch on.
The drone now hunts them like a predator.
‘Let it make the first move’
Fortunately it’s shot down by fighters,
How’m I supposed to kill my girlfriend now?
Patroni goes back to tell the passengers.
‘Oh Captain...’
I'd give it a minute if I were you.
But Robert Wagner’s not done yet.
‘There’s an armed Phantom and he’s coming right for us’
How do you like that?
‘Goddamn, he fired one’
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
‘Everyone put on your oxygen masks’
I forgot about mine!
There’s only one way to avoid the heatseeking missiles,
turn upside down, wind down the window of a supersonic plane and fire a flare gun.
I don’t see how this can go wrong.
I don’t know how this would be different if it was a spoof.
‘The bathroom’s broken’
Despite a few other issues.
‘The reverse thrusters are out’
They land in Paris.
'We're going to Moscow tomorrow, damn if anyone is going to stop this flight.
'Then, the following day, they all get back on the same damn plane to continue their journey to Moscow,
because the last 24 hours has in no way shaken their faith in the aviation industry.
‘It’s not quick but it’s completely efficient’
Way more surprising, Maggie, who still hasn’t posted her story,
has dinner with Robert Wagner.
You would not believe the journey I’ve had, but I’m sure the drone strike and fighter attack had nothing to do with your drone and fighter company that I’m planning to destroy.
‘Saddest part of the whole thing is that I still love you’
Will you be trying to kill me tomorrow as well?
He will, but that’s not a bomb, it’s a gadget that opens that cargo bay doors during flight.
'The Cargo door is about to open!'
My luggage!
Doesn't seem as big a deal as bomb,
but on the other hand, it gives stakes to if Charo gets to keep her dog with her.
'Dogs are not allowed.'
So, while onboard everything is completely normal,
#This weird scene was brought to you by coca cola,#
The plane is slowly coming apart.
‘Feels like my seat is coming loose’
'We've got explosive decompression.'
and Didn’t we do this already?
That’s the second problem with this film
splitting it into two journeys doesn’t work at all.
Although, fortunately, this is just as funny as the first one,
who opened the trapdoor?
‘The Alps, dead ahead’
They creep up on you.
Just relax and think of films you’d rather be watching.
‘Gremlins.’
'Brace! BRACE!'
Well that was easy. And they manage to get the passengers off before…
Wow, this is not an ad for Concorde.
What about Robert Wagner?
'This is Maggie Wayland at the Concorde crash site, luck to be alive.'
One of the few plotlines to be tied up.
It seems mean to beat this up cos I had a blast watching it.
‘You’re in a minority of one’
but trim the fat and it’s Airplane, so I’d just watch Airplane.
'Did we hit him.'
'I don't think so.'
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What other films actually feel like their own spoofs?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Oooooh weeee, a thing like that will ruin his whole day.'