- All right, little buddy, come on out.
(couple gasping)
- Oh no, my little darling. Oh.
- Man, (bleep) you. You, suck my (bleep),
this house ain't (bleep).
- Okay, buddy. Take it easy.
- (bleep). Nothing ever been easy for me in my life.
Now hook me up with a treat.
(intro music playing)
- She does talk like you're listening.
- Yeah, oh my god.
Last time I was like, who are you?
You're brilliant. Like, shut up.
Oh my God.
(both woman gasping)
Amy, look at that one.
- Oh Megan. That is,
- So cute.
- That is the cutest effing puppy
I've ever seen in my entire life.
- Oh my god, I'm just going to take him
and I just wanna bite his little ears off.
- I just want to take his little legs and just,
like snack on them, like chicken drumettes.
- Yeah, so I take his fuzzy little perfect head.
I wanna put it into my mouth and squeeze down on it hard
until I have a puppy face diamond in my mouth.
- I feel like I have to wrap his face in a towel
and then beat it with a tire iron.
- I'm going to buy that dog.
I'm going to drive him to the vet
and I'm going to have him put down immediately.
- Look at him, oh my god,
You know what I'm gonna have to do?
I'm gonna have to tick that scrappy little nose
and just kick it. I just have to,
I would kick it until it comes up on my shoes,
like little puppies snout slippers, you know what I mean?
And then I'm gonna go to a party, and everyone's like,
"Oh my God, where'd you get those slippers?"
I'm like, "These? These are my face slippers.
From my adorable, dumb little puppy."
- That's exactly what I was going to say.
- Yes bee!
- I just want to take his head
and I wanna peel the skin off of his skull.
- I know where you're going.
- I wanna just start throwing it up like pizza dough
until it's long, flat and round.
Then I wanna take it to a picnic
and toss it around like a Frisbee
and a puppy faced Frisbee picnic!
- Lets get him!
- Yeah!
- So cute.
Oh my God,
is it me, or is it like totally mosquito-ey out here?
- Oh my God, remember this one?
- He was so cute.
- Jamie is not English.
I don't know what nationality he is,
but he's definitely not English.
(dog barking)
- Max no, bad dog! Bad!
I'm so sorry.
I just rescued him from a shelter.
He seems to get really aggressive towards people
with darker color skin, I'm so sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
- Yeah, I guess you never know
what they've been through before you get them.
- We don't think that your dog's racist.
(suspenseful music playing)
(dog barking)
(dogs barking in unison)
- Hey babe.
- Hi.
I made a really big decision without consulting you.
I went by a puppy rescue stand on University Avenue.
I had to, I had to.
- You got us a dog?
- Yeah, I did.
- Oh my God!
(woman laughing)
- So I've got to tell you something, okay?
These rescue dogs have had some tough situations
and a lot of them take on the personality of their owners.
This dog, was owned by rapper Ice-T.
All right, little buddy, come on out.
(couple gasping)
- Oh no, my little darling. Oh.
- Man, (bleep) you. You, suck my (bleep),
this house ain't (bleep).
- Okay, buddy. Take it easy.
- (bleep). Nothing ever been easy for me in my life.
Now hook me up with a treat.
- You want a treat, buddy?
- You want a treat.
- Is that what you want?
Here it goes.
- Yeah, that's a tasty ass treat right there.
Now give me the whole bag.
- Okay, one treat is enough.
- Bitch we're not talking to you.
Give me the whole bag of treats,
cause I'm a treat killer and a mother (bleep) handful.
- Somebody's grumpy today.
- Little grumpy-wompy.
- Made ass right up on this comfortable ass sofa.
I'm gonna sleep on this bitch too, as a matter of fact.
You know what mother (bleep), and bitch,
I'm a piss and (bleep) up here too.
- No! Oh no, no, no.
- (bleep) you, man.
Raise your hand at me.
- Okay, um.
I've got something for you, little guy.
Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch?
You wanna play fetch, you like fetch? Huh?
- Get that ball!
- (bleep) you. Both of y'all condescending mother (bleep).
I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So (bleep) you.
(doorbell ringing)
- Well, hello, who is this?
- Come on Coco, don't worry about the mother (bleep).
That's my bitch Coco.
I forgot to tell y'all she's going to be living here too.
- Wow, okay. You got your little friend here.
Well, you can,
she could play here for a while, sure.
- Puppy play date.
- Yeah.
- Lady, we're gonna have a (bleep) date.
That's what we're gonna have, bitch.
Come here bitch.
- Oh, he's,
- Are you,
- Okay, he's doing that.
Oh no. Don't do that.
- Yeah, that's my shih tzu.
- [Male Owner] Okay. Oh dear.
- Get the (bleep) out of here.
It's about to get graphic in this bitch.
- How come you don't do that with me?
- [Male Owner] Honey, I told you.
- He does it.
- I just want to keep this area clean.
- Brock Favors here,
filling in for a Chad Armstrong who is out sick today.
We are here, live at the Metro police department,
canine training facility.
And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniques used by the canine unit.
Now officer Hanson,
I will be playing the assailant today. Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.
- Now officer Hanson,
I am perfectly safe in this suit, right?
- Yeah. You're a hundred percent safe.
In fact, those are the suits we use for officer training.
- All right. Well, there you go.
Well, kids make sure that you do not try this at home
with your chihuahuas.
(dork barking)
(Armstrong screaming and swearing)
Wow! Okie dokie.
I am sorry that you all just
heard me use that inappropriate language
that was very uncalled for.
- And when you're panic like that,
it thinks you're more of a threat than you are.
That's when he's gonna bite down harder.
- Okay. Well, I will make an effort this time
to really try and be as calm as possible,
even though it is very difficult to be calm
when you're in the lion's den
or should I say the doggy den, you know what I mean?
(Armstrong screaming and swearing)
He's eating my junk!
(screaming continues)
Oh my god! Get him off of me!
(happy music playing)
- He's here, he's here!
- Come on baby, come on, get your sign.
Brandon bring the camera.
Come on, let's go.
Here you go.
Hold it up. Hold it up.
Wait for daddy. So daddy can see.
There you go.
- Rocky, oh my boy!
There's my boy.
- [Little Girl] He got me a teddy bear!
- He did get you a teddy bear.
- Look at this. Look at this good boy.
Hey, hey, you want that?
You want that toy? You want that toy?
- Why isn't he coming mommy?
- [Mother] He's coming, he's coming.
Oh my god, I love you so much Rock.
Oh hey, lets go, come on boy.
Good dog, good dog. There we go.
Oh, I missed you so much.
- Where is it?
- Stanley.
What's going on?
- Oh, come on.
I know you've been cheating on me.
- You're being ridiculous.
- Angela. Enough is enough.
I know you have been (bleep) a dog behind my back.
- What?
A dog. A dog, that is insane.
- Then why did I find this in the laundry room? Huh?
(small bark)
- Oh my god.
He's here right now isn't he?
He's at my house right now.
- Wait. Stanley, no, wait!
(dog growling)
- You!
(Stanley screaming)
(dog crying)
Come here!
Oh.
I see.
You.
Need to know.
Your dog ruined a 10 year marriage.
(dog crying)
And you can go to hell.
(dog licking)
Yeah, he's cute.
He's cute. I can see why you like him.
(calm music playing)
- Hey, hey how you doing?
- Hi
- What's going on?
(laughing)
- Come on, what are you doing?
Hey, come on man.
Stop it. Stop it.
(laughing and excited screaming)
(screaming aggressively)
Okay, you're big! You're big, you're big.
(calm music continues)
- I know you, I know you!
- I remember you.
- I think I like you.
No! No, no, no!
- Hey, what are you eating? What are you eating?
- Get the (bleep) away from me.
- Oh but that's food.
- (bleep) off.
- That's food though.
- (bleep) off.
- Damn!
I like that.
I like the way you look. You look good to me.
(sniffing)
You a dude, sorry.
- That's okay it happens!
(calm music continues)
- Hey, what's up there?
Is there something up there? Is it up there?
- Yes.
- Hey, come here!
- I wanna eat you with my mouth.
- You are up there!
No! No! Get out, get out of here! Go!
- I wanna eat it!
(upbeat music playing)