(hardcore electronic music)
- Ah, I hate autumn.
- Yeah, autumn sucks.
(gentle guitar music)
♪ Summer is over, we're glum ♪
♪ 'Cause now it's time for shipping on up ♪
♪ It's our least favorite time of the year ♪
♪ It's autumn time and it isn't that great ♪
♪ It's autumn time and I'm full of hate ♪
♪ Thanks to my dad's song when I go back to school ♪
♪ I'll get kicked in the dong ♪
♪ It's an awful time of the year ♪
♪ It's autumn time now listen to me ♪
♪ It's autumn time just kill me please ♪
♪ See the leaves on the ground ♪
♪ I wanna set them on fire ♪
♪ And torch this whole town, it's a morbid time of the year ♪
♪ Carving gourds isn't fun ♪
♪ If you give me that knife I'll kill everyone ♪
♪ I lose control this time of the year ♪
♪ It's autumn time and boy it's rough ♪
♪ It's autumn time and I've had enough ♪
♪ See all the trees turning brown ♪
♪ We drained our pool 'cause some fat kid drowned ♪
♪ It's an awful time of the year ♪
♪ I think your family is weird ♪
♪ With your tucked in shirts and dead eye cheer ♪
♪ There is something wrong with you ♪
♪ Of course you kids are sad ♪
♪ You've got a giant nerd for a dad ♪
♪ Something's really wrong with him ♪
- Our marriage is starting to feel forced.
We are growing apart.
We are getting divorced.
I want to go back to El Salvador.
♪ It's autumn time and everything is dying ♪
♪ It's autumn time according to the marks I made ♪
♪ On the basement wall to track the position of the sun ♪
- Please, someone help us,
we're being trapped against our will.
If you can hear my voice, please call the local
authorities that I've been trapped in this
guy's basement for 14 years.
I'm not his daughter, my name is Samantha and I was
kidnapped from Rochester, New York when I was eight!
♪ It's autumn time we don't like it all ♪
♪ It's autumn time can we just call it freaking fall. ♪
(Tosh laughing)
(hardcore electronic music)
- Krispy Kreme
(funky electronic music)
And Daniel Tosh.
Diamond Style Productions.
And this a song for the television.
♪ Chillin' in the kitchen eatin' peanut butter and jelly ♪
♪ When my homeboy Daniel Tosh call me on the celly ♪
♪ He sad hi, Krispy, you're coming out to Cali ♪
♪ I got some cute girls and there's one named Sally ♪
♪ I got up on the airplane and headed for the airport ♪
♪ I seen Daniel Tosh, you know what I'm there for ♪
♪ I'm there for all the women and the fame ♪
♪ Then Daniel Tosh said I'm there for the same thing ♪
♪ It's me and Daniel Tosh and we're chillin' in LA ♪
♪ Doing push ups and getting girls all day ♪
♪ Yo' we're never ever going back home ♪
♪ 'Cause now we're best friends and we'll never be alone ♪
♪ I said it's me and Daniel Tosh and we're chilling in LA ♪
♪ Doing push ups and getting girls all day ♪
♪ No we're never ever going back home ♪
♪ 'Cause now we're best friends and we'll never be alone ♪
♪ Break it down ♪
♪ Daniel Tosh, break it down ♪
♪ And Krispy Kreme break it down ♪
♪ Yeah, just break it down ♪
♪ Got up in the party there were girls everywhere ♪
♪ They asked if they could kiss me ♪
♪ I said sure I don't care ♪ ♪ But then I looked over ♪
♪ And my homie's all alone ♪
♪ I walked over to Daniel and said what's the matter bro ♪
♪ He said dang, Krispy, I'm just not very smooth ♪
♪ But maybe some day I could touch a girl's boobs ♪
♪ I said you and you get over here and hold his hand ♪
♪ Then Daniel Tosh said, thanks Krispy, you're the man ♪
♪ It's me and Daniel Tosh and we're chilling in LA ♪
♪ Doing push ups and getting girls all day ♪
♪ Yo' we're never ever going back home ♪
♪ 'Cause now we're best friends and we'll never be alone ♪
♪ I said it's me and Daniel Tosh and we're chilling in LA ♪
♪ Doing push ups and getting girls all day ♪
♪ Yo' we're never ever going back home ♪
♪ 'Cause now we're best friends and we'll never be alone ♪
♪ Peace ♪
(audience cheers)
- For the record, we're not actually best friends.
I only met that guy once,
we're casual acquaintances at best.
(hardcore techno music)
♪ I'm on my 14 carats ♪
♪ I'm 14 carat ♪
♪ Doing it up like Midas ♪
♪ Now you say I got a touch ♪ ♪ So good, so good ♪
♪ Make you never wanna leave ♪
♪ So don't ♪
Tosh.O is my day job but those of you that are inside
the triangle of honesty know that my real passion
has always been carving driftwood and then recreating
Selena Gomez videos.
I uploaded my latest masterpiece last week and a million
views later Hollywood has just been having a field
day with it.
Hey Just Jared appreciate the good press.
Sorry don't retweet, I find it pretentious.
It's epic says RyanSeacrest.com.
If you're spending one moment on that website,
I assume you are Ryan Seacrest.
Those reviews don't even take into account the CT cameo.
♪ Might hit the jackpot ♪
♪ Just been a bad bitch without the ass shots ♪
♪ You look good girl you know you did good don't you ♪
♪ You look good girl bet if feel good though ♪
Carrot top lip syncing to rap music is pure magic.
Glad someone is finally giving Carrot Top some props.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, (grumbles).
My fans were more split.
Many people thought I looked like Jamie Lee Curtis.
Hey, we both rely on Activia to keep us regular.
(audience laughs)
others thought I looked more like Buffalo Bill.
What was undeniable was that everyone thought
my smokey eye was on point.
Thankfully, some of you were able to look past
my sexiness and recognize my true artistic intent.
I thought the original vid is propaganda for
oversexualization of girls women so I feel remaking
it with Tosh makes it seem that much more ridiculous.
He's not sexy to me in women's clothing rubbing himself
all over the place so why is she?
Maybe it's a mute point, but whatevs.
(audience laughs)
Or, I just like the song but whatevs.
What about Selena herself?
She liked what I did so much that she decided to make
a shot for shot remake of my shot for shot remake.
I was such a fan of that that I decided to make
a shot for shot for shot for shot remake
of her shot for shot for shot remake.
At which point Selena's people reached out and fired off
a cease and desist letter.
(audience laughs)
So, time to move onto my next project.
You guys had many suggestions.
All of them bad, thank you but no thanks.
My next gem will be Miley Cyrus's mom's latest video.
That's right Gwen Stefani's Used to Love You.
It should be pretty easy because all she does
throughout that whole video is stare at the camera
and try to convey pain through layers of Botox.
And, I'm doing it live!
(audience cheers)
Yeah, you heard it right.
The first live shot for shot remake in history.
We're going live guys, live.
Yes, live.
Hit the lights, it's live.
♪ Suitcase, band-aids ♪
♪ Pulling back out the driveway ♪
♪ You go, I'll stay ♪
♪ You can keep all the memories ♪
You were all just part of a live happening.
That was live so it didn't have to be good.
That's the same gimmick behind this season of unwatchable,
I mean Undateable.
On NB who gives a (beep).
We are back to not live.