Tonight, reverse furries!
Animals that dress up as humans are getting jobs, buying homes and settling down.
Could you be married to a gazelle and not even know it?
States.
Are there too many of them?
One lawmaker thinks so,
and he's proposing a radical new, map for the USA.
All of this and more on tonight's, News To Me.
When global conflicts can't be summed up with a trending hashtag,
well that's "News To Me".
Good evening America I'm Chip Chapley.
Dennis Travers anslee(can't see) of Knoxville, Tennessee who entered into a coma at
age five has awoken after nearly 30 years. He told his doctors "I'm a
big grown-up now! I have muscles! I'm going to marry a dinosaur and be the president!" Hey
he's got my vote.
In culinary news, a new french restaurant is making waves
by serving food that tastes terrible going down,
but tastes great coming up.
Le Bebe Oiseau is the brainchild of Master Chef Pierre Jean bon Jou and a crow
named Gus. When reached for comment, Gus simply said,
"bawk"
In tragic news
Wide Kerning kills three
at a slow reading contest.
What?
Women
some people are one
some would say it's almost half of everybody
Others would argue it's nearly 50%
The science is still out, but what's for certain
is women are here to stay.
Here to discuss the issues that face women in America today
are the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee
on Women's Issues.
Gentlemen, welcome.
All:Thank you Chip
What are the most pressuring issues
facing women in America?
Nothing that I can think of!
Interesting, so...
What is the purpose of your committee?
it's a "PC" thing
you know, if there's gonna be a Men's Rights Committee
there has to be a lady version
the blah, blah, blah liberal garbage
hmm, i can't help but notice
That there aren't, any women in your group
Well you see, we wanted to make quick decisions without being
Emotionally encumbered
like a bitch
women tend to overthink the simple issues
Uh-huh
joining us now, is news to me, on Abby babble
Abbey you're a woman, right?
That i am, Chip
And as a woman
I am deeply concerned that these men are-
Ah, come on now, Chip
Control your woman
She's hysterical
... That these men are Legislating
On women's issues, like health care
When they don't seem to have a full understanding of a woman's biology
much less-
She must be on her monthly
Better put all your food in a tree before a bear shows up
it attracts bears, you know?
Much less the complicated nuances of issues like, safe access to abortions-
No-now hold on ah, ah-
Bitch
We're only interested in making abortions illegal for those individuals that would abuse the privilege
Women specifically
Goddamn, right, bitch
It'll always be legal for a man to get an abortion
... And coverage for pre-existing conditions with-
Pre-existence is before genesis
Which means it don't count!
I will not have my religious freedoms
Attacked by this tempestuous, Jezebel
... With, jesus fucking christ
You shriveled sagging ball bags
You don't have a clue, about women or women's issues
Shriveled sagging ball bag is a serious
Medical condition that affects
Many men today
Amen
Bitch
Which is why I'm sponsoring a new barrel to allocate 1.6
Billion dollars for essential therapeutic testicular tightening and smoothing for sufferers
Of ssbb
I mean
These Octogenarian prune, dicks
are deciding, what's best for women?
Ah- I also suffer from pruned dick
Ah, Fuck
Back to you, Chip
No, my fellows are fine
Oh, okay, thanks Abby
More after this
Do you have an old cat?
Is it maybe about to be a dead cat?
Does that make you sad?
With Uncle Schrödinger's magical cat box
You can take the guesswork out of caring for your aging kitty!
Just place your geriatric feline friend in our patent-pending
Soundproof, smell-proof, airtight and water-resistant bo-
Is your cat alive?
Maybe
Is it dead?
Could be!
Can you ever be certain?
Never!
It's scientifically impossible!
With Uncle Schrödinger's magical cat box
You never have to say... goodbye!
Just say
"Get in the bo-!"
Welcome back, I'm Chip Chapley
Men and women are very different
Or possibly not very different at all.
Franklin Roosevelt once said
"Men are from mars and women are from Venus."
Women have boobs and men have a penis.
Well
He was wrong... and stupid
And that's why he's dead
And that's news to me
Good night.
Chip Chapley here
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