What's the pain in me
you wish you could heal?
Oh, the loss
that you've had.
Because I think that people think
that adoption
is like the land of happy endings,
like glitter,
sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.
And it's really not.
Um, from day one, I have always said
that somebody's biggest loss became
my biggest gain.
Oh,
why did we choose to adopt?
Wow.
That's a-
Wel...
First, I'm adopted.
So adoption always seemed like
something cool that I'd want to do.
I never thought I'd be able to do it,
once I realized I was gay.
And when we finally
talked about it or thought about it,
it seemed like the only
option for me
would be adoption.
Because I'm adopted
and because in exploring it
and you can remember when I read the book
and everything else
about all the different ways
we could become parents, it was-
that was always the right way
for us.
I just didn't want
either of us to be the biological parent.
Well, I know, you were... - Honestly.
I didn't like that idea.
I wouldn't have minded that idea.
Yeah.
I don't think it would have mattered.
Yeah, but- - But I knew that.
I also knew that
we would...
We wanted a child as bad
as the kids we adopted needed parents.
And- and we didn't adopt healthy kids.
We adopted sick kids
who are now all healthy adults.
I don't know, it just always seemed
like the right thing.
Why did you adopt me?
Well.
Well, I never thought I'd would be a dad.
And growing up as
a gay man, especially,
you never think you're gonna have kids.
Especially at my age. Nowadays
gays, you know, are adopting,
you know, much more regularly.
And- but I never thought I'd be a dad.
And growing up as a kid
that was in foster care
and who eventually became,
you know, I was adopted.
For me, it was just a no brainer.
I knew I wanted to have kids
even before I met Papi, you know.
So that was my goal. So
it was just- it was in the cards for me.
I didn't know how
that was going to happen,
but the moment I got the opportunity,
I ran for it.
Mom, why did you adopt me?
Well, I feel like you are my son.
And I feel like
a long time ago, your dad and I,
you know,
we made a decision
on how our family was going to be formed.
We
we talked about if we wanted to have
a biological family formed through
biological means, right?
And we made a conscious effort
that that wasn't the route
that we wanted our family
to be formed through.
And so when we heard about you,
I knew immediately that you were my son.
Like I knew.
I know that people laugh
when people say, Well,
I know that God told me something.
And I've never heard
the audible voice of God ever say Melissa
or anything like that to me.
But if there was ever a time
that was probably the closest
to an audible voice,
it was probably then.
And I just knew... that I knew that
I knew that
I knew that you are my son.
Before I ever laid eyes on you,
I knew that
on the way to the hospital,
the day we brought you home and
the whole year
that it took to get through that-
that year
and ten days that it took
to get through that process.
And I adopted you because I love you.
You completed our family
the first time
your sister completed it
and put the period
at the end of the sentence
the second time.
But you brought a completion to us that
we never knew before.
You have anything you want to
get off your chest?
Not really.
You said everything
you needed to say, that you feel,
that you feel like
you have never been able to express
to whoever?
Your biological mom, your father...
I meant to ask you about that.
What? - Your biological mom
and your biological father like.
How do you feel about that?
Like, now you're adult.
How do you feel about...?
I want to go to like see them
maybe like live
with them for a little bit
or just to like, go out there.
See how it's like
to be with them
instead of like-
You kow what I mean? - Yeah.
Just to get away, I guess you could
say, um, my dad.
I want to meet him,
but I don't think he wants to.
Why do you say that?
Because he hasn't been here.
He. We've only talked on the phone.
Like what? Like four or five times
Besides that...
Why do you think that is?
I don't know.
I'm about to cry. - Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
You thinking-
Do you think your biological father
doesn't love you?
Yeah.
I don't think that's it.
I spoke with him.
He's on drugs.
I don't know if you know that.
You know that?
And sometimes when people are on drugs,
they're not their selves.
Like, if you're dealing with someone
that's on drugs,
that's not the person
that raised you or whatever.
That's a whole different person.
So you can't deal with that person as if,
Oh, that's Trevor.
No, that's Trevor on drugs.
You can't deal- you understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah. - He loves you,
he has issues.
Don't ever think that your mom
or your biological mother or father
do not love you. They do.
I've spoken with him.
I went out there
trying to see him.
But, you know, I told you about this.
I guess that's his wife or whoever.
He needs to get himself together.
And they have missed out on something so
perfect.
Um.
What is one topic
you are hesitant to talk to me
about and why?
Oh Boy. - I love this question.
I know you love that question.
Of course.
Well, we both know the answer to that.
The fact that I was adopted
and not only was I hesitant,
you didn't know it.
I didn't tell any of you
anything about it.
And the reason that I was so hesitant
and didn't want to do it was
because I thought you would feel
like you didn't have any family.
Because I know
nothing about my birth family.
And... - Well, you don't know very much.
I know, yes, a very small amount
and I have chosen not to pursue
finding out more because I'm
I just feel very blessed by the family
that adopted me
and the community that embraced me.
And I've always felt like
it was disrespectful to them.
And I didn't feel like
anything was missing.
I felt like I had hit the jackpot.
I had a wonderful family.
A mom and a dad and a grandparent.
And aunts and uncles and cousins.
And a wonderful community
that I grew up in.
And I just felt
no need to look for
people who created me because
whatever their circumstances were,
they weren't able to to become parents
for me.
They couldn't do it.
They had made a decision.
And I always felt
like they were in the position
that if they wanted to find me,
they could have and they did not.
So why am I going to go
try and find them?
I was adopted at 21 days old,
as far as I'm concerned.
They
really you know, they did the best
they could do at the time.
And my life began at 21 days,
as far as I'm concerned.
What are you hesitant to tell me?
It should begin-
Oh, dang.
Um.
I don't want to cry.
What do you mean? - It's like the adoption.
Like,
I know that me
and you have different
points of view on it, but like adoption.
I don't like.
I don't like talking about it
because I know you like
you like getting into it
and like talking about it.
I don't like talking about it or
believing it
because outside the family is like bad
and like
even though like me
and you know that we're good kids,
like when we would go around
that side of the family,
they think like we have,
like a bad reputation.
Yeah.
And I don't like how people start, like.
Like assuming that we're bad kids
just because we came
from a certain person
and that certain person
lived a certain way.
Yeah. They base it off of that. - Yeah.
Like if we were raised by her
or if we were raised by him,
I don't like thinking
that we were raised by them.
I like thinking we were raised by a mom and dad.
People should
honestly just look at me
and you like how we are.
They shouldn't be like, Oh, oh, this.
They came from this person.
They came from that person. Look at how their parents turned out.
Like like- how-
Like we go around that certain
type of- this certain people
and they're like,
Oh, those are so-and-so's kids
and they're bad.
Or they do this or they do drugs
or they do alcohol.
Yeah.
Like even though they don't see us,
they think that we do it
just because she did it.
Yeah, to be honest,
that's on them
because it's like
you don't
you don't take the time
to get to know us.
Then you're over here,
like, assuming stuff
when all you have to do
is just, like, talk to us.
Yeah. So I kinda get mad about it.
What is
one experience you
wish us to have together?
Oh, I- one experience...
This is weird that this is coming out-
Coming to my brain first.
I mean, I would love for us to travel
more together, but that's- we've done that.
Like I want us to do it more.
Sure. - I- we've talked about this
some already, but
and maybe this is because
the guys are
going through this right now.
But I know we don't want to adopt, but
I am very interested in the future,
not rece-
soon future,
but maybe a little distant future.
I am looking forward
to opening up
our home to like foster teenagers
and looking into that more.
Yeah.
I think that would be really cool
to do with you
and something I would never do on my own.
Sure.
Or anyone else. But.
But, yeah,
I think we would be really good at that.
We're a great team and
yeah, that is something I would like to
do with you. - Okay.