My name is Paul Friedman, I founded The
Marriage Foundation
and we get an email like this
occasionally
and I'll be honest
it's very difficult for me personally
because I'm quite offended by
any man who thinks it's okay to hit a
woman.
Now having said that, I will do my best
to be objective about this
and give you some feedback that will
help you and help you in your marriage.
So
chances are great that
if it's the first time you don't have
any children
so the reason I say that is because
it's rare for a man to be married for a
while which you would have to be
to have children and then out of the
blue
start battering
his wife. It would be very rare.
So I'm not going to direct this response
to those of you who have children.
If that's the case then please write in
to The Marriage Foundation -- it's a free
service.
Our counselors, we don't charge
for that
and let's talk with you directly.
We'll write back to you directly.
Also I also want to recommend that you
subscribe to this channel so you could
learn more about marriage
even in the light of this. So you have
probably not
been married very long
or your husband has started drinking
or using some other substance and
he is losing his mind. I don't know how
else to put it. Now I have to tell you
that it is not our philosophy
to condemn a spouse.
This is very much outside of our
normal box typically because
we encourage working on the marriage
to make it a positive experience.
But in a case like this, you've got a
serious problem.
Your problem is that your husband
is not acting like a protector
and the subconscious mind
which carries so much information
but one of the things that the
subconscious mind
carries is information from the biology.
Your psychology is affected by your
biology
and men are designed
so to speak to be protectors of the
family.
So when they use that
strength that a man has because a man
is obviously stronger physically than a
woman,
and if he uses that strength, he's doing
the opposite of what he's supposed to do.
I don't know how long you've been
married.
I don't know how hard he hit you and I
don't know that it matters that much
unless he hits you by mistake but you're
really mad and so that's why you're
searching these videos.
But let's say he hit you intentionally
and I don't care what his
reason/excuses whether it was
to teach you a lesson. I've heard this
from men
or to show you
that he is stronger. These are not okay.
This is a serious problem. Also we
never ever tell a wife to confront her
husband.
In this case, we do.
You need to let him know that
he cannot do this. This is not acceptable.
You will call the police and I urge you
to call the police.
It is simply unacceptable. You cannot be
in a situation
like this where your husband
loses it and strikes you.
It's not okay. He has to understand
that there is no basis for this
whatsoever.
The basis of marriage is love.
The biology that impacts the mind
tells a woman to be a nurturer,
to be caring and tells the man
to be protective.
This is too far out of normal
for it to be okay. If you can get out of
this marriage
because it's a new marriage and you've
just discovered that he's
like this, you need to get out.
You need to get help first so that you
have a safety net and again this
is what we never tell people. We never
tell people discuss
what's going on in your marriage because
your marriage is supposed to be a safe
place but your marriage isn't.
So again, we step away from the
philosophy which is for
normal marriages that are just having an
issue a problem,
misinformation, disinformation that
is misguiding you and so that's why you
come to The Marriage Foundation.
This is different. Now all that being
said many years ago,
must be 20 years ago. I got a call
from a man. He was writing with his wife
in the car and he said, "Mr Friedman,
you were referred very highly
and I don't know if you can help us or
not
but before I get into what's going on, I
want to tell you
that we are a black couple. We're
African-American
and in our culture hitting
a woman is perfectly okay."
Well, I got to tell you I grew up. This may
be a little too revealing
but I grew up in a predominantly black
area, most of my friends growing up
were black, most of them. So I happen to
know
that's a load of crock, it's just
not true. It is not
culturally accepted in the black
community
it is not culturally accepted
anywhere because the biology
transcends the culture. And the biology
again
says very clearly
that the man is the protector. He doesn't
get to dominate
his wife. Can a wife be submissive?
Sure, it's perfectly okay
if she chooses to -- it's her choice.
Can a man be dominant? Sure
if they both like that. Why not,
it's okay. We're individuals. We can make
our choices
but, can a man strike a woman
thus striking fear into her heart? No,
never okay. There's no exceptions that I
can think of
at all. So I apologize
for being so strong about this.
But to me, this is
at the same level as beating children.
Now I didn't say don't spank your
children but beating children,
it's not okay. Anger is not okay in a
marriage
anyway. Beating is not okay. Now, is it
okay
we get the other side. Is it okay for a
woman to hit her husband?
No, it's not okay for that either.
Look, in a marriage, your marriage is
supposed to be about happiness. It's
supposed to be about
love. Hitting, yelling, arguing, fighting
these are not on the way to experiencing
happiness.
Are they? I think I've spoken enough
about this
topic. So
I'm going to leave you with that. By
the way, subscribe. This is not a typical
YouTube video
from The Marriage Foundation but this is
not a typical problem
that we get either.
You may comment. You may leave your
opinion. You may leave your question.
I'll get back to you and leave your like.
Be on my side on this, agree with me
that it's never okay for a man to hit a
woman.
Now if a man is watching this YouTube
and you want to argue
I'm closed. I'm not going to hear your
arguments.
They're going to be meaningless. Please
don't dislike
this video just because you don't get
your way. Don't try to make excuses for
battering your wife,
it doesn't fly. Okay but to the ladies, God