But my sons are an interesting pair.
You know, they're old now,
like I said.
When they were younger--
moms will back me up on this--
I thought since my sons were so
close in age, I thought they would
be similar in personality.
But no, right?
No.
They're so different.
Like my youngest son,
when he was small,
when he would mess up, I could just
look at him, say man, I'm really
disappointed in you today.
And that would crack his face,
make him want to cry.
My oldest son is from the devil.
(audience laughing)
I could catch him next to a burning
building with the gas tank
and the matches, and he would say,
"I don't know how that happened Dad."
(audience laughing)
I got you on video, man.
"That ain't me.
"Something wrong with your camera.
"Why you got a camera?
"Use your phone.
"That's old school.
"You got a camera?"
Man, maybe something
is wrong with my camera.
(audience laughing)
Because that's what kids will do.
They will break you down,
they will deny, they will deflect,
until all you can say to them
is two words.
And those two words are really,
seriously.
Really, seriously.
Really?
My youngest son, I remember he was
around 10 or 11.
All day, he's asking me to do
something for him.
All day, just keeps coming back
asking.
And I finally said, look,
I'm not going to do it.
So stop asking me.
All of a sudden,
here come the tears.
(crying)
That's OK.
That's all right.
You never do anything for me.
(audience laughing)
Really, seriously?
Never?
Really?
I remember you couldn't lift
your big head off the carpet
without some help.
Remember those days?
Had to turn you big head over so you
didn't suffocate on the size
of your own head?
(gasping)
"Thank you, Dad."
(audience laughing)
I remember you first starting
walking, and your legs weren't too
strong, and you were hanging
onto the edge of the table
like this.
And you reached out for some help.
And instead of grabbing
your outstretched hand,
I pushed the other one
off the table.
(audience laughing)
You learned a lot that day,
didn't you?
Never did anything for you.
And every guy here knows I did that
for real.
Every guy knows I really did push
his hand off the table.
And she was like, "why did you
"do that?"
I was like, he got to get strong,
baby.
He got to get strong.
This is Sparta.
(audience laughing)
And then, then they become
teenagers.
Yeah, look, the whole mood
of the room just changed.
We was having a great time,
you had to mention that.
You had to mention that.
Those of you who have had teenagers,
those of you who have teenagers,
you will back me up on this,
because you know this to be true.
Teenagers have ways of making parts
of your body
react in ways you didn't think they
would react.
My oldest son, the demon,
in his entire life,
I've only slapped him twice.
Both times were funny.
(audience laughing)
First time, we're arguing.
We're in the front room.
We're having a heated argument.
Heated argument.
Surprised me he had the nerve
to get my face like that.
So he decides he's made his point
and he can walk off.
Oh, oh no.
You don't finish this.
I finish this.
Right?
So I grabbed him, I pull him back.
He shakes off.
I step to him and say man,
you need to get it together.
And he says, "oooh."
(audience laughing)
And part of me said talk to him,
Lou, talk to him.
This is a teachable moment.
(audience laughing)
But my hands said, really?
(audience laughing)
Thank you for agreeing with me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
It freaked both of us
out because I had never hit him
before.
I mean, I had rushed him, pit him up
against the wall
and made his eyes get all big.
You still got to check him,
like I'm Dad, I'm Dad.
Then you go around the corner,
oh, I almost got beat up.
Woo.
(audience laughing)
He's bigger than I remember.
He's wearing my shoes, man.
I'm not going to ask for them back,
because he's angry in there.
They look good on him.
They look really good on him.
But I remember this like it was
yesterday.
I left his room, I was mad,
I was sad, I was a little bit happy.
I went to the front room.
I said to my girl, I said, hey baby.
I just um--
Uh.
Ooh.
I got to be delicate.
This is her first born.
Then I just say, hey baby, I just
slapped our son in the mouth, hard.
She looked at me and said,
"oh, really, seriously.
(audience laughing)
"He probably deserved it, the way
"he's been acting."
I was like, for real though?
(audience laughing)
She cosigned it.
(audience laughing)
I said I'll go back in there.
I'll be like a drive by on him.
Parentcide.
(audience laughing)
PWA in the house.
Parents With Attitude.
But I went back into his room,
I threw the phone on his bed,
and I said to him, I said,
Look man, look.
I realize that nothing like that
has ever happened
between us before.
So if you want to call the cops--
If you want to call
social services--
I'll tell you one thing.
When the cops get here, when
social services gets here,
and you tell her what you did,
I bet one of them
will smack you too.
(audience laughing)
And I looked at him,
and I said, oooh.
Give me my shoes back.
And I walked out the room.
Second time I slapped him was
a couple years later.
This time, we're in the front yard
having an argument.
And the level of disrespect
was off the charts.
And once again, my hand just
went really, pow.
He went-- and then took off running
down the street.
He got all the way down to the end
of the block, he turned around,
and he started cussing me out.
He's calling me every name
in the book.
And I was so tempted to run down
there and get him.
But I said no.
And I turned, I got in my car,
and I chased him for four blocks.
(audience laughing)
I was like say it again, say it again.
(audience laughing)
You better get on those stairs.
(audience laughing)
And I'm glad you guys laugh at that,
because sometimes I tell
those stories,
and people go the other way on me.
I was on this cruise ship,
and this lady comes up to me
after a show.
"Excuse me, excuse me.
"Can I tell you one thing
"about your show?"
No.
(audience laughing)
"I love the show.
"I just have one thing I want to say."
No.
Because it's not going to mean as
much to me as it means to you right
now.
And I don't want to hurt
your feelings like this.
Oh.
"Well I'm going to tell you anyway."
OK.
"I don't think you should tell
"those stories about hitting
"your son."
I was like, all right, cool.
Thanks for that.
Have a good cruise.
Hope to see you around.
Bye.
Walked off.
And I should've kept on walking.
Right?
I should've kept walking.
But I'm nosy.
I turned to look at her.
She's still standing there, kind
of holding herself, face is low.
And she looks like she's
about to cry.
Real talk.
She looks like she's about to cry.
And I learned from that moment
that I had with her, I learned
from that encounter
that I had with her, I learned that
I hate those kind of people.
(audience laughing)
Hate little sensitive people.
I told my mom I slapped my son.
You know she did?
She went off on me.
"Don't you slap my grandbaby."
Like you slapped me a couple times.
"Yeah, because I caught you
"with that gas tank and the matches
"behind that building."
(audience laughing)