[ Auto Attack theme ♪ ]
[Phreak] Welcome back. For those just joining us,
I am Phreak, alongside JJ Baberams. We are your casters for the day,
and we've got a nail-biter going on in the semifinal round of the third annual
Tales of Titans Winter Classic, presented by Noob Lube.
Knuckle oil for the novice gamer. Noob Lube. Get lubed, ya noob.
[JJ Baberams] Phreak nobody expected this. Underdog Sorcerer is giving top-ranked
Toxic Shock a run for their money.
More specifically that $100,000 dollar top prize.
Sorcerer is your classic ragtag bunch.
There's Ant Girl, one of the few female players on the tournament scene.
[Ant Girl] I've got top. Blake come with me.
Sauce, go mid with Dave.
[Phreak] DaveFu has really emerged as a premier support player.
[DaveFu] Rock-and-roll Ant Girl.
So cool to be working under a powerful woman.
[JJ Baberams] There's Kosmonaut whose... I don't know, he's Russian I guess.
[foreign language]
[Phreak] There's Sauce who speaks softly, but carries a big mouse.
[Sauce] Got him.
[JJ Baberams] Sorcerer's star carry is 17-year-old veteran WakeNBlake.
- He seems visibly nervous. - And he's got reason to be.
He's up against Toxic Shock, the best team in the world.
And they're led by two-time gamer of the year, Chad Pussy.
[Phreak] And here's Rocktopus flanking around the back right now.
They don't see him coming, and they're not even reacting in time.
He's getting in his hits for free.
[Ant Girl] Kosmonaut, guard the key. Blake, where are you?
I'm all alone out here. Come on.
[Phreak] Oh, it seems like WakeNBlake has frozen up.
[JJ Baberams] This is the most pressure some of these players have ever been under.
[Ant Girl] Blake!
[Phreak] There is no other way to put this. He is losing his [bleep].
[JJ Baberams] The pressure has really gotten to him. The Toxic Shock is not letting up.
[thumping heartbeat]
- [retching] - [crowd gasps]
[Phreak] That is a lot of puke.
[JJ Baberams] It looks like someone's pre-game meal was Arby's. [chuckles]
I'm receiving word Arby's a tournament sponsor. Our apologies to the Arby's corporation.
Arby's: We Have The Meats.
[babbling] T-Titans... Come on in... Ah.
Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, aah! [indistinct babble]
[yelling]
[audience gasps]
[JJ Baberams] And now he's beating off.
[ theme ♪ ]
- [screaming] - Hey, hey. Stop it! Just stop it!
[Squib] Hey, hey, hey! Yo! Sit down!
Should have used all that energy out there.
[sighs]
Now I've had some big losses in my life,
but that [bleep] out there was humiliating.
I mean that was so bad. However...
- Where was I going with this? - I don't understand what just happened.
Well there's no reason to dwell on it. Alright, he's dead.
- We gotta keep it moving. - What the [bleep]? Blake's dead?
I don't know. Anybody have his parent's number?
I do. I'll text them that their son is probably dead.
Look, this is all I'm saying,
when I retired from the NBA, and when I founded this team,
it was strictly just to make money.
I never thought that one day that I would care for you guys...
And I still don't care for you guys.
I just see the potential making so much [bleep] money on this platform.
So we gotta move forward. Alright, first things first.
Um...
- Girl, you're the new player coach. - Oh wow!
Thank you Mr. Squib. Look, I just want to say--
Sit down. Whatever. No one wants to hear all that.
OK, second thing is we need a replacement.
Anyway I gotta go have a meeting with the programmers.
They're making me an in-house barber shop... Why am I telling you?
Replacement fast! Yo, this is Squib. Don't [bleep] with me.
[distant laughing and mocking]
Sorry for the freak out of the century Team Dork-cerers.
This is a team meeting Chad.
Get your fedora and your dumb [bleep] sycophant of here.
It's a pork pie, not a fedora, you idiots!
[Bleep] you Team Horse-erer!
- Chad Pussy. - [multiple voices] Chad Pussy!
Oooh. Woooo!
- [foreign language] - [Bleep] him.
Look you guys, Squib is right. OK, we've got 12 weeks until the Spring Championships.
We need a new teammate fast.
[male] What about me?
Shut up Alt Trash. You're the alternate. If you played we wouldn't have an alternate.
Yes sir.
Well, all the other top players are assigned to other teams.
Not all of them. Die Fieri's a free agent.
Plus, I saw on Reddit, there's some unknown casual keeps finishing in the top five
- in the North American leaderboards. - [keyboard tapping]
Who the hell's BluesTraveler2112?
[keyboard tapping, long sigh]
[male] Another bunker's day.
I asked Steve I said, "Steve did you eat my Nutella,"
and Steve says, "No way, you dumb B."
- Only he didn't say B. - Uh-huh.
He says the b-word. [softly] Bitch.
- That's inappropriate isn't it? - That is total crap!
Thank you.
Huh?
I'm gonna go give Steve some harsh words. Thanks Greg.
You got it Evan.
- [boss] Greg my man! What's popping? - Hey boss. Not too much.
Oh, did you get that, um, Word doc that I put together about improving office morale?
Uh, yeah. It's dynamite. Look, I need you to fire Anna today, OK?
She's just not fitting in with the corporate culture.
Ooh gosh, I hate firing people. How about I just coach her on some areas
- where she can improve? - Sorry Greg, no dice.
You know how it works here at Coleman-Schweizer.
One strike and you're out.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
[door knocking] You wanted to see me?
I brought my parking pass like you asked.
Hey, Anna. Greg's gonna take care of you right now, OK?
[softly] She's so nice. Would you like a homemade pecan sandie?
[ somber ♪ ]
- [clears throat] - [vacuum cleaner running in distant]
- Hey Eduardo. - Oh. Hey. Almost done for the night.
- You're working late Greg? - Ah, yeah, yeah. Very late, again.
No worries. I got you covered. I'll lock elevator and set the alarm.
- Get a good nights sleep. - Thanks man. You're the best.
You... Oh, good night. - Good night.
[vacuum cleaner resumes]
[Greg softly] Yeah.
[somber ♪ continues]
[gameplay voice from monitor] 3-2-1. The tale begins.
♪
[gameplay voice from monitor] 3-2-1. The tale begins.
[gameplay, keyboard and mouse tapping]
[message chime]
That's strange.
And after I graduate high school I can focus on this team full-time.
[whispering] Guy's he's perfect.
- [soft indistinct chatter] - We have to go with him. We have to.
[indistinct whispering continues]
That's dope. Alright.
- Thanks Die Fieri. - We'll be in touch.
OK, one interview left. He should be here in 15.
[door bell]
- Greg Davidson. - Hi.
- Am I in the right place? - I don't know--
Are you lose BluesTraveler2112's dad?
Oh no, I am him. I'm sorry I'm late.
Traffic from Irvine up to L.A. was brutal.
- You're 15 minutes early. - A half hour early is on time on time.
On time is late. And late is dead.
Little HR humor. [clears throat]
- This is my résumé. - Great. OK. Come in.
I should say I'm not fluent in Spanish.
Uh... I habla... [indistinct talking]
As you can see, um... I graduated from Pepperdine.
Um... I've been human resources associate at Coleman-Schweizer for 6 years.
Uh... I'm a real people person. [chuckles]
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Um... may I ask what position is open in your firm?
We're Sorcerer. An eSports team.
- Beg your pardon? - Tales of Titans. We play it professionally.
- Is this one of those Ashton Kutcher's-- - Competitive video gaming is huge.
Like millions of people watch it.
How did you get to the top of the leaderboards?
[stammers] Well, I've always been good at video games,
and Tales of Titans was something that I could play in my downtime at work, you know?
My downtime at home, post divorce...
And pre-divorce...
may have contributed to the divorce.
You're already divorced? How [bleep] old are you?
Well, I am 33. 34 in April.
God!
Look at him. Dude's as old as old Han Solo.
I'll have I'll have Tommy Squib's assistant prep an offer for Die Fieri.
[both] Bye.
[mouse click, Phreak's voice heard] It's Sorcerer with a devastating counterattack.
The crowd is on their feet, going wild! Everyone on this team is definitely
- getting laid tonight-- - [boss] Hey Gregster.
- Hey. - I got another [clicks teeth]
I need you to take care of for me, OK buddy?
Ah man,
I don't have the stomach for another firing.
- Uh... who? - Eduardo the janitor.
Apparently he's been letting a hobo sleep in the offices.
[Greg] Well, I mean, well maybe the hobo got kicked out of his ex-wife's condo,
and was sick of sleeping in his Toyota Sienna.
[Bleep] Greg. Don't rationalize on behalf of a hobo. Just fire this [bleep].
- Eduardo! - Oh, no-no-no-no-no.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
[boss] OK, byee.
- Oh, so good to see you. - [Eduardo] Ow.
Greg's gonna take care of you right now, okay?
Thank you-- Ah!
- Good morning.
So what's up?
[Becca] What do you mean you signed with Toxic Shock?
They already have a full roster.
They're paying you not to play, just to keep you off the team. Okay.
You know what? Tell Chad Pussy he's a pussy!
- I take it, it didn't go great. - Chad poached Die Fieri.
We gotta go with our backup, BluesTraveler.
Look Becca, as a male feminist I trust your leadership,
but that guy's almost 40. What if he has type 2 diabetes or Alzheimer's
- or the black plague? - We don't have another choice, OK?
[Alt Trash] Guys I've been practicing.
[together] Shut up Alt Trash!
Fine. But if you're going to be team captain you're going to take the fall
when he has a heart attack or says something folksy and racist,
- or his bones melt or whatever. - [Becca sighs] .
[Greg weeping] Oh God.
- Oh my God. That is so bad. - [cell phone rings]
- [clears throat] This is Greg. - Uh, hi Greg. It's Becca from Team Sorcerer.
- Are you, crying? - No. U`h, yes...
Maybe. I-- I just. I just had a fire my best friend.
[Becca] OK, anyway we would love for you to come play for Team Sorcerer.
Starting stipend is 1K per week, plus bonuses for tournaments.
- What? That's more than I make. - Plus your own room, included.
A place to live...
that's not my office or a minivan filled with bottles of my own urine?
[Becca] OK. Yeah, maybe this was a mistake.
No, you know what? I'm in. And I am not giving you the runaround.
- Hey boss. - Hmm.
You know that expression "You can't fire me, because I quit?"
- Mhmm. - Well, you can't make me fire anyone else,
- because I'm firing myself. - You quit?
- Yes. - Say that next time. It's so much quicker.
So...
Do you want this door open or closed?
Closed please.
Quicker.
[Blues Traveler, "Run-Around" plays]
♪ But you ♪
♪ Why you wanna ♪ give me a run-around
♪ Is it a sure-fire way ♪ to speed things up
♪ When all it does is slow me down ♪
[music stops]
[door bell]
Let's play.
Also, am I good to park out front, or should I pull into the driveway?
Well, it's because the signs were a little confusing,
and I don't want to get a parking ticket right now.
[ theme ♪ ]